Accidental Love

FriendsForever

FriendsForever #1 · May 22nd, 2023 · 4 · ·

Reply

Her brother, why incest?

Raccoon Writer

Raccoon Writer #2 · May 22nd, 2023 · 7 · ·

Reply

I do not say this because this is incest, as while I may abhor incest I know there is a market for it. I say this because there is a standard when it comes to writting clop/lemon/whateverthefuckyouwannacallit. The standard is to know what you are trying to describe. The way this is written makes it sound like was written by a thirteen-year-old with little to no experience/knowledge with sexual dialouge other than shitty hub scripts or perhaps some c-tier H-Manga.

For example, this:

“Oh Shiny, your cock belongs to this mare now, this little naughty mare”

sounds like it came straight from a hub video.

Another example, this:

She pressed her lips on to his as she made a loud moan. The fat thickness smacked her womb.

makes it sound like his damn phallus is bloated. Is it fat or thick?

Then you have THIS:

“Shiny, your cock is so big, I’ve had enough with rules and regulations, give me foals now!” she screamed. “If you can give that whore Flurry Heart, you can give thrice as many to me, aww yea”.

Did Twilight suddenly become every generic porn actress known to mankind?

But this...this is where it really, really takes the cake.

He shot a loud, thick gurthy blast of seed that made Twilight scream at the force to her loins. His eyeballs went out of control as the warm pleasure branded his brain with love. The semen came out of her and drenched her hind legs, the bed they were on, the television, and the closet stained with unholy essence. It overfilled her that her grin felt strained across the ends of her mouth. They both slept covered in semen, with wacked out facial expression on their faces.

From start to finish, this is exactly how a thirteen-year-old would describe an 'intense orgasm'.

Please, I beg of you, learn how to describe sexual intercourse outside of 'shitty hub logic'.

Jade Ring

Jade Ring #3 · May 22nd, 2023 · 11 · 1 ·

Reply

Ah, this takes me back to the old days of fanfiction.net. A whole bunch of dumb kids trying to write porn despite barely knowing anything at all.

Keep at it. You'll get better. Everybody starts somewhere.

AC97

AC97 #4 · May 23rd, 2023 · 3 · ·

Reply

11590600
11590665

Also, for a couple of the SFW parts, to give them their due...

Shining Armor looked down on the table and gave out a deep breath of carbon dioxide.

Because "carbon dioxide" just had to be specified, I suppose...?

“So why cheat on your wife for?” said Twilight while she scratched her chin. “It seems weird to break off with a bombshell like her with a filly born too”.
Shining Armor looked down with a gaze that would split atoms.
“Its because she has become enthralled In her work at The Crystal Empire and we have barely any time to get together, and she refuses to accept anything less, and I believe she might be cheating on me”.
Twilight Sparkle sighed, “why would she want to cheat on you for?”
“I didn’t believe it at first, but it is apparent now that she was just using me to get more power and be closer to Celestia too”. He lowered his head and rested it on his hoof. “She was actually a agent of Sombra the whole time, but I haven’t the proof to show for it except for what I saw her speaking to one night behind a magic mirror”.
Twilight opened her mouth and let out a big grunt at the ramifications of these claims.
“No way, I don’t believe you, this can’t be”.
Shining Armor contained his mane with a pass of his hoof through its strands. To tell this to a random stranger whom he went out with made things even more awkward.
“I know this was sudden, but I feel so betrayed that I went ahead and wet my mojo again to see if I can find somepony who wasn’t going after me for power or status, but it seems that my reputation precedes me ”.
Twilight grasped his hoof and clenched it tight.
“I understand completely, no pony else except you could understand, let me show you why I’m here in the first place”.

That's nonsensical on every level (using Shining Armor to get closer to Celestia when she's a Princess to begin with, her adoptive niece, whereas Shining Armor is a Prince by marriage, and if anything that reasoning would make more sense the other way around, and even assuming there's an AU tag [there isn't], there's just no sensible explanation for this.) You can't just drop this and expect someone to just nigh-instantly go with it, especially without a damned shred of proof. It's baffling whether it's the truth or a lie.

As for the Sombra part, it speaks for itself.

Raccoon Writer

Raccoon Writer #5 · May 23rd, 2023 · 3 · 1 ·

Reply

11590665
Honestly I would have been less critical if this was the authors first or even second fic....but if you look, the guy/gal/person/void has over a hundred written and published stories. This one is just the most recent.

Obscurinati

Obscurinati #6 · May 23rd, 2023 · · 2 ·

Reply

11590600
11590665
Well, at least it's not a fking bird.

Raccoon Writer

Raccoon Writer #7 · May 23rd, 2023 · 2 · 1 ·

Reply

11591019
No. Just Incest. Personally I don't like it, but if that's your jam that's your business. I don't care what gets someone off, I only care that it's written at least moderately well. This is not. That was the point of my comment.

Obscurinati

Obscurinati #8 · May 23rd, 2023 · 1 · ·

Reply

11591020
Eh, I've seen far worse.

LocalMedicMain

LocalMedicMain #9 · May 23rd, 2023 · 6 · ·

Reply

I do not mean to shit on you, but my friend, how... Like how... I want to know what goes in your brain when your writing because honestly this made no sense. I came into this story with very low expectations, yet... Somehow you went even lower.

Shining Armor looked down on the table and gave out a deep breath of carbon dioxide.

Like what this supposed to mean? You could have just said "shining armour looked down at the table and sighed deeply" and be done with it! This little sentence stuck in my head like glue. I felt as though that detail would be important, but it wasn't!

And I won't even try to open the can of worms that was the sex scene, but I'll say this, that transition was a sentence, a non sensical one at that! You could have just said something along the lines of teleportation or even just add a time skip!.

Overall, I feel like I opened a can of red bull and drank goddamned carbonated piss. The only thing this story is good at is giving my English teacher an heart attack. Maybe I'll criticize you less if this wasn't your 181^st STORY

PrincePegacornV

PrincePegacornV #10 · May 23rd, 2023 · 1 · ·

Reply

This fic reminds me of the episode of the three CMCs doing their talent show, only to be awarded the "funniest" award at the end, when they were trying for a musical number.
That said, this fic is a JOKE, right? Right?