Interesting concept with plenty of potential for silliness. You have my attention

Hope this gets in featured. Epic prologue.

>>13478301347830

its featured your wish came true

Interesting story

"We doth most enjoy thine visits Twilight Sparkle!" This should actually be "do," not "doth"

"What shalt we do with her? Banish the criminal back to the moon?" This should be "shall," not "shalt"

In general the plural of early modern English verbs are identical to modern English, it's just the second person and third person singular that are different. Second person singular is generally -st, while third person singular is generally -th. "To be," "to have," and "to shall" (?) are, naturally, irregular:

I do, I shall, I have, I am

Thou dost, thou shalt, thou hast, thou art

He/she/it doth, he shall, he hath, he is

We do, we shall, we have, we are

Ye do, ye shall, ye have, ye are

They do, they shall, they have, they are

("Ye" can be replaced by "you." In early modern English, "ye/you" is plural, "thou" is singular).

I'm pretty sure you used "thine" correctly, though, which is more than can be said for my first bumbling attempts at early modern English,

Now, that's not fair for twilight. what did she do?

Interesting, I shall watch intensly

WHY DOES EVERYPONY HAVE TO MOVE IN WITH TWILIGHT? Sounds horrible.

Huh, featured at 260 views, 30 likes, and 7 comments. It wasn't even the bottom featured story.

Impressive. A little timing in your favor but to get so much in 3 hours is quite impressive.

I shall read this later.

>Filly Nightmare Moon living with Twilight

Deja vu...

>Pen Brush

>Pen Stroke

EDIT: DERP

Just pointing out the parallels. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, though.

EDIT: Didn't read the rest of the description, sorry. It's still a little uncanny, though.

>>13481181348118

For who? Twilight or the one who moves in?

>>13481971348197 The one who moves in, no way would I want to live with her, but for some reason, it doesn't sound so bad. Atleast she's nice... mostly.

This seems to be extremely common place of whenever Nightmare is turned into a filly.  Some crazy pony is wanting eternal night without actually thinking through the consequences of it happening.  I don't know about others, but freezing/starving to death is not the way I want to go.

I like it, keep going ^^

And truth to be told, i don't see to many parallels towards Past Sins so far.

> Nightmare Woon

Nope. I'll judge this book by its cover. Favourited SO HARD! I'll read it later.

I love the Past Sins reference... well the reference to the author writing it.

A good start, indeed. I especially loved this part in the first chapter.

Hey, Twilight let's go perform experiments on a child.

YAY!

...at least that's what I imagined it was like when I read it.

Now Die!

This sounds SO MUCH like Past Sins

>>13479411347941 Oh, fancy seeing you here.

>>13481181348118

That's a good question. Why not Fluttershy or Applejack?

Honestly up until the point you mentioned Past Sins the similarity didn't occur to me. I was reminded more of dark woona from moonstuck.

all the references to Past Sins... I, for one, like this story better.

beavers named Chuck? moon pies? Twist getting hit in the face? this story has everything! including... a surprisingly dark and foreboding ending to this chapter. you have my approval.

Ref to Past Sins?

But this one is hilarious and interesting!

GJ sir!

Fav and love!

In response to his

intrusion the cake expanded, grew

tentacles, produced three eyes of

caramel, and wrapped it's dripping

buttery tendrils around his throat.

I've seen enough hentai...

>>13485521348552

Huh. I never thought of it that way.

Image: http://www.lamebook.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/oh-my.jpeg

Oh dear, incoming adorablness! Set phasers to aww!

cause twilight knows dem ponies (and shes secretly very lonely inside, spike is just not enough anymore)

Image: http://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowkiss.png

A few typos and awkward phrasing at points.

Very amusing though.

Nice story!

If Cake Is a Lie can hurt Celestia, MoonPie Is a Lie can also hurt Luna and Nightmare Woon..

Nice concept! GJ!

Pinkie Pie, Mortal Combat

Penstroke's got nothing on this.

>>13486041348604

Honestly I think his story is better. Ol' Penny be a faaaaaaar better writer than me.

I just liked the concept and put my own spin on it. And of course had to include an eldritch abomination. Nothing is complete without an eldritch abomination.

Oh yeah, I definitely want more of this.

Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!

>>13486111348611 So i see. But Nyx i have mixed opinions in character development. Humor mixes well in your fic though something i look forward to.

Done reading, that was quite the laugh.

While there are some similarities it's definitely not Past Sins.

Anyway my only nitpick is that at certain points in the story things happen too quickly. It just felt like the story had holes.

Anyway other than that it was a good story and I happily await the next chapter.

Chaotic, messy, and jumps from point to point.

Sleepy, so I write poorly.

CUTSIE WOOTSIE!!!

>>13486611348661

Agreed, I do think that things could be passed slower though it feels like its going way too fast. That was part of what made Past Sins wonderful, it had good passing if you'll pardon the comparison, this would be wonderful if it went just a little slower.

Regardless:

Image: http://i547.photobucket.com/albums/hh476/SiaFel/Avatars/coolstory.gif

I like how you address the issue head on about similar sounding stories. I highly enjoyed Past Sins and can't wait to see where this goes.  I laughed at the Pen Stroke cameos.  

This is gonna to be so adoribly cute and funny I going die from it...isnt it? it cant be helped i guess

"Ah have to brush mah teeth twice a day or th' tooth fairy will come an' beat me." Applebloom replied.

Soooo many mental images, all of them hilarious.

>>13487161348716

Image: http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-ash4/276912_479541542065504_2105559558_q.jpg

Sorry, had to it. But in seriousness. Yes the story does have these problems, I'm going to try to make the next chapter less chaotic and flow better. I'll come back and fix the first chapter some other day.

>>13487961348796

Depends. Do you find rude, somewhat snarky fillies who would gladly bring about the end of the world at the drop of a hat cute?

Image: http://th03.deviantart.net/fs71/150/i/2012/079/d/9/nightmare_woon__by_greeny_nyte-d4tfe1p.png

>>13490001349000 Arnt all kids like that? anyway yes...yes I do

>>13481181348118

Because Twilight is pony Jesus

"Cutie mark crusaders beaver tossers! Yay!"

I have GOT to stop reading in class...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh man this is AWESOME! I can't wait to see more, Favorited in a heartbeat, and upvoted too. that picture you used for cover art is the epitome of D'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

>>13490841349084

Yes. Yes she is.

Image: http://i150.photobucket.com/albums/s101/darkone10/54257__safe_twilight-sparkle_jesus_jesus-christ.png

>>13479471347947

Just a quick couple additions/corrections from a certified Shakespeare geek.

The difference between thy & thine was mostly the same as the difference between modern "a" and "an", and this was also shown with my/mine in early modern English. Thy & my are used before words that begin with a consonant, thine/mine are used before words that begin with a vowel, or as the direct subject completion of "to be".

eg:

"This is my book, that is thy book. This book is mine, that book is thine."

"I read my book with mine eyes. Thou readest thy book with thine eyes."

(Perhaps not the best example. You will sometimes see "my eyes" rendered as "mine eyen", but "eyen" is an even older middle english construct that was archaic even by Shakespeare's day.)

Also, while thou is singular and you is plural, it was usually also used to show familiar versus formal, similar to modern French tu/vous, Spanish tu/Usted, or German du/Sie. You would use "thou" only for children, close friends and family members, and people you thought were inferior to yourself, and you would use "you/ye" for equals and your superiors, and usually strangers just to be safe. Princess Luna would have expected everypony to be calling her "you", and probably only Celestia would get away with thouing her.

[/pedantic]

>>13491511349151

She is.

I´d just wish you would delete or change some stuff in your second chapter cause those few points really kills the mood of enjoying the fic. Like the "Thank Faust." or Nightmare Moon leaving a RAINBOW trail when leaping into the sky to pounce a moon pie. Really? Nothing against the moon pie, that was cute/funny, expect the "for the love of Celestia" part, but a rainbow trail? How? With what? Last time i checked NMM didn´t had a rainbow tail. Did she fart it or what?

It´s just minor stuff but it takes the fun out of other stuff like NMM going all "What? That´s evil!" when threaten to get no moopies for a month if she doesn´t play with the CMC.

>>13479471347947

Luna talks in old english (Equish or whatever the language of Equestria is) Back in the days of knights and such, "shall" was "shalt".

Now... I was only about a quarter of the way through the chapter and I had to fave and like this. freaking EPIC.

>>13492111349211

I just went with the idea that the rainboom leaves a rainbow trail no matter who it is. There's really no canon to how the thing works other then it makes, well, a rainboom. So yeah I just went with a rainbow trail for humor.

Image: http://www.gamesprays.com/files/resource_media/preview/pinkamena-shrug-6647_preview.png

>>13480781348078 Trollluna strikes again

i will read this later

i lvoelovelovelovelove mini moons fics, in fact i wrote one

I love the "Thank Faust" line. I might have to use that one some time.

>>13492151349215

No, Luna talks in early modern English. Old English, or Anglo-Saxon, looks like rediculously mispelled Dutch or German, and uses letters and diacritics that don't exist in English anymore:

Fæder ūre þū þe eart on heofonum,

Sī þīn nama ġehālgod.

Tōbecume þīn rīċe,

ġewurþe þīn willa, on eorðan swā swā on heofonum.

Ūre ġedæġhwāmlīcan hlāf syle ūs tō dæġ,

and forgyf ūs ūre gyltas, swā swā wē forgyfað ūrum gyltendum.

And ne ġelǣd þū ūs on costnunge, ac ālȳs ūs of yfele.

Sōþlīċe

That's the Lord's Prayer in Old English. As you can see, this was not how Luna was talking.

(þ is pronounced like a th, by the way. It's called thorn. I þink we should use þorn in modern English, but þat's just me).

Knights and such back in þe day (okay, I'll stop...) would have spoken either Old English (until the 13th century or so) or Middle English (which was spoken until around the 16th century). Middle English is more readable than Old English, but still comes across as rediculously mispelled, and once more was not what Luna was speaking:

Oure fadir that art in heuenes,

halewid be thi name;

thi kyngdoom come to;

be thi wille don, in erthe as in heuene.

Yyue to vs this dai oure breed ouer othir substaunce,

and foryyue to vs oure dettis, as we foryyuen to oure dettouris;

and lede vs not in to temptacioun, but delyuere vs fro yuel. Amen.

Again, the above is the Lord's Prayer.

Early modern English is, as the name suggests, essentially modern English, and is quite readable to a modern English speaker who's made it through 8th grade English (specifically the Shakespeare parts, although the Bard himself actually comes into play at near the end of early-modern's run) (unlike OE, which is essentially another language).

Our father who art in Heaven

Hallowed be thy name

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who tresspass against us

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil

For thine is the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory

Forever and ever

Amen

(Incidentally, sorry if I come across as prosetylizing for Christianity here. I'm actually an atheist, it's just that the Lord's Prayer is a piece of text that's easy to find in old, middle, early-modern, and modern English, and is fairly well known, so it demonstrates the differences pretty well).

In early modern English, "Shalt" is only correct when using the second person singular: thou shalt. Otherwise, it's as I showed:

I shall

thou shalt

he/she/it shall

we shall

ye (or you) shall

they shall

So thou shalt not kill, if talking directly to a single person, but ye shall not kill (or you shall not kill) if talking directly to multiple people.

As I said, a good rule of thumb is -st for second person singular, -th for third person singular.

"Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?"

"Nay, but prithee, with frosting of white, and sprinkles 'pon its top."

This

Image: http://memeorama.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/dis-gon-b-gud.gif

I'm loving this story so far.  I'm a sucker for Nightmare Moon redemption stories.    I like that you just had it out front that she's really Nightmare Moon and everyone knows and that you're playing this with humor.

Twilight:  You stopped an assassination?

CMC:  Cutie Mark Crusaders Secret Service!  Yay!  

The way you portrayed Pokey made me have a flash back to high school when I read Ranma 1/2.  He reminded me of Kuno.  Was there any inspiration there from Ranma 1/2 or do you have no idea what I'm talking about?

>>13494811349481

I've never read it. I just wanted to make Pokey a crazy pony who thinks he's a knight.

>>13483711348371  How? It sounds nothing like Past Sins

This story is so cute, its evil...

What about Shining Armour? Doesn't Twilight love him?

...beaver?

>>13495211349521

I'll include him in some later chapter. Didn't feel a need for him in the first.

He won't like Nightmare (who would?).

>>13495261349526

Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m71abnVPuA1r50ouzo2_500.gif

Beaver.

>>13490841349084

>>13494001349400  Nowz we R talk in Intarnet Engliss a-cause we dun nede know othar languidge.  

>>13481181348118 Simple Twilight is easily the most mature and the faithful student of Celestia of course she would be the #1 person that people move into her home.

Except that one time...

Image: //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png

This prologue could benefit from a few scene-break lines to separate Penstroke Scribe's bits from the rest of the narrative.  The first sudden shift to him is jarring.

Other than that, this look promising.

>>13496621349662

Done.

What is it with you and tendrils?? anyway great story so far. I fav it

RIPPING OFF PAST SINS, INSTANT DOWNVOTE WITHOUT EVEN READING. Obviously not, but that's what came to my mind when i read the description. Curious what direction it will go in though, so consider the story stalked by me.

>>13492451349245 in nightmares case i think it would have been a Shadowboom and not a rainboom. it would make more sense.

Oh Pokey, Y U such a jerk?

>>13497891349789

Because  he was raised by beavers.

Foreshadowing is a tool. Many authors use it, as glue to hold together plot threads, as sandpaper to smoothe rough transitions.

You're using it as a flaming wrecking ball on a glass-covered gunpowder factory.

I can't wait for the pretty lights.

>>13498111349811

So. Is that good or bad?

You receive much praise from the tiny men who live in my head. We apprecite the story and politly request more... More... MOAR

>>13498111349811

Heh, well, apparently even the beavers don't like him.  I also couldn't imagine Celestia, Pinkie or Fluttershy being to thrilled with him either if he actually did kill a filly, even if at one point she was the evil.

>>13498311349831

Already plotting out the next chapter.

CMC beaver tossers. ROTFL.

>>13494001349400

Damn... Ok, I just got told. Still, I learned something, so thanks.

>Well, it's been pretty quite lately.

>been pretty quite

>quite

no

Anyways, the vocabulary choice is somewhat lacking, but it's a pretty good concept. I'll keep reading.

>>13499041349904

Le fixed.

And yeah, I don't have the largest of vocabularies. To the thesaurus!

>>13496471349647

I am kinda sad that you just left out the potentially cutest scene in the fic.

A embarrased Twilight coming along with a tiny, ill-mannered alicorn and needing to explain it to friends that disbelieve the little alicorn and pinching her cheeks.

>>13500001350000

Oh. The cheek pinching will still happen. That HAS to happen.

Twi's magic is purple.

Hmmm, I have never read past sins, so I don't get the reference and therefore critique is only based on what I see here.

*enters Critique mode*

It's a great concept with some funny spots and I did enjoy the read. The filly Nightmare getting shanghaied by the CMC, Moonpie addiction, and the battle between Sir Angel and Nightmare were great. But frankly, both Pokey and Colgate strike me as a bit too sadistic for ponies. I mean, okay, Colgate doing the drugging and such on Nightmare might be acceptable since no lasting harm, but impalement on his own horn... yeah, forget Screwball, somepony get Peirce a straitjacket. And Twilight just seems WAAAYYY too calm about it.

Candy-Cane Battle Axes are not recommended as weapons against lovecraftian horors.

However: beavers are acceptable as nature's most effective melee and thrown weapons.

From a technical standpoint, it feels a little messy. I recommend getting yourself a proof reader. There are quite a few misplaced or run-off words that make the reading painful. I know I tend to do this in my work as well since you focus so much on what you're portraying and not what is typed, so it might behoove you to have a second set of eyes look it over before you publish. ( I know I do)

Overall, the potential is there but could use some polish. Definitely worth a thumbs up, but not quite up for 'favorite' status 'yet'. This may change in future installments.  

>>13498311349831  YOU HAVE HOMUNCULI IN YOUR HEAD!!  *beats you in the head with a brick!*  I'LL KILL THEM 4 U!!!  

i lost my chizz at the tooth fairy beating apple bloom part.

will read

What did twilight do? Luna is the best princess!

Image: https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTL_BsaaS4pueKl_PqNz5j1Rik5DXsNUDsyOrpGoxbHI1nQDExV

Reading this purely for the epic Nightmare Woon shenanigans! (always loved that picture!)

I'm loving this.

>>13494911349491

I see.  Very similar character.  Kuno thinks he's a noble samurai who has deluded himself into thinking Ranma the main character is a evil sorcerer and he must defeat him in the name of justice.  Overall Ranma 1/2 isn't that great but does has some pretty slap stick humor.  (It gets real boring somewhere around vol 8-10 because at that point all the main characters have appeared and the whole series gets repetitive.  Not worth really reading all 38 volumes... which I unfortunately tortured myself with.)

Otherwise rocky start with the story but you do seem to have a good knack for slapstick humor which I'm very much enjoying.  Don't let people bug you about the sonic rainboom bit.  I agree with you it's not cannon that others can't do it and also they said "it's a old wisemare's tale." implying others have done it in the past.  

On a final funny note, I had literally just finished Past Sins (I know, I've been under a rock) when I saw your story on the featured bar.  If that's not a sign that you've got a good story started than just having it featured must be a good sign.  Good luck and I can't wait to read more.