In this story, both Dashie and her father remember how it was when they were together. In a process of trying to help them out, Twilight accidentally teleports herself to Dashie's father's world as a filly. After taking care of her for about a week. Celestia and the others come to get her but this time give the option of Dashie's father coming back with her. Everypony looks at the human strange so they ask Discord for help in making him a pony. After tricking Discord, Dashie's father gets turned into a human with a cutie mark of his human version. Then he lives his little Dashie.
Chapters (12)
Hmm.. yes. The description is far shorter now.
Here is an additional hint: Don't make so many short chapters. Most people don't like that.
Also it isn't needed such long credits... we know who the creators of My Little Pony are.
If you want however to thank a user for ideas or something, don't make a separate chapter: you can simply put it into the author notes in the final chapter.
Good luck and keep safe!
EDIT - Removed the line about the space, since it's a coding bug.
Another quick thing: usually it's best to avoid two characters talking in the same paragraph.
Please consider it.
1342775 Well, fancy meeting you here.
This 'extra enter' is actually an html hard line break '<br>' inserted by the site when it splits the long description for the more/less button. Not sure why it does that, but it does. When the split happens at the right side of the screen, all is good and it looks fine. When the split happens in the middle or on the left (as it does here, and on my story), it looks like the author dropped an errant retern in the description. This is the case with every story on FiMfic, but some are more noticable than others. I sent an email to knighty about it, but I'm sure he has more pressing things to deal with than a very minor coding bug on this site.
cdn2.mamapop.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/themoreyouknow.jpg
And to the author:
I'll be back later when I have time to do a proper review of this story.
1342897
The more you know, indeed.
Just FYI:
I recall the rules stating that each chapter has to be at least 1000 words long.
edit:
Just read through the rules. The story has to be at least 1000 words upon upload, which you do exceed :3
1342926
"Stories must be at least 1000 words before submitting them to the site. Author's notes, lyrics, and other padding DO NOT count towards this minimum!"
Hmm, no. A story must be over 1000 words... not every chapter.
Remember that every story is approved by a mod before being made public.
Keep safe!
1342948
Please re-read my comment :)
1342958
Hum. Just saw your edit.
That's alright.
Hmmmm. Was a very interesting story, but I believe the sequel deserves a sequel. And I... am not the one to do it. Already have enough on my plate with my current fanfic. Anyways, I can see why people would thumbs down this, seeing how all the chapters are really short, but I quite enjoyed it. A pretty good sequel to the very first fanfic I ever read on this site.
1342986
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5284/My-Little-Dashie%3A-A-sequel
You wanted a sequel? I give you a sequel :) (Best MLD Sequel I've read. My apologies to the creator of this fic)
1343050Well I said sequel to the sequel, but this works too.
Wait a minute. This isn't the sequel where they're all inside wearing sweaters and drinking hot cocoa and chatting about parents is it?
1342775
I've got to agree with you. You took the words right outta my mouth.
1343051
Ah don't thin' so...
1343101No, it's not. I checked it out. And I can figure it's probably been featured at one point in time. There's even a sequel to that sequel. But yea, it's been featured, but the only reason I haven't seen it featured is because it came out half a year before I joined the site.
Alright, I'm back... Let's get started. First I'll warn you that I never did read "My Little Dashie", so I can't speak for consistency between the two stories. I really should read it sometime.
Story description: You just told me the entire story. There's nothing more to keep me here; no reason for me to read the actual story.
Forward: Not necessary. The title of the story explains almost everything here. Kudos to you, by the way, for seeking permission from Rob to write this sequel
, but it could probably be tacked on at the end of the story description.
Chapter 1: It's actualy pretty nicely written, but (there's always a 'but') it's short. Like, really short.
* First-person present tense: This style of writing is difficult at best and even many experienced writers have a difficult time pulling it off. It usually ends up reading very clunky and disjointed, especially when the focus character is reflecting on past events, forcing the narrative into a past tense as it is written in your story here. I would suggest writing it completely as first-person past in a manner that would read like a journal entry, it's typically much cleaner and reads more smoothly.
* Dialogue tags:
The period after 'Dashie' here should be a comma.
(American writing standards) or dropped completely (British/European writing standard).*Edited for my dumb mistake.*Word choices:
I have no idea what this means. This one may have been a typo, but there were a couple of other odd phrasings, but I can't find them now.
Chapter 2: Wow. Massively jarring POV change.
* Paragraph structure: New speaker, new paragraph. Every time. No exceptions. It becomes very difficult to follow who's saying what when the dialogue get mashed into a single paragraph.
Take the first paragraph of chapter 2, for example. This:
Should be structured something like this:
See how much easier that is to read?
Now then, the chapter is again very short. More description of what's going on and where we're at would help to expand chapter length.
Wait, what? How did we get here? Did she just wake up in this location... I'm confused. Like I said, more description is a good thing.
Okay, so the issues above are prevelent throughout the entire story. So, we'll just skip forward to Chapter 9 - Tricking the Trickster, and the amazing deus ex machina finally to the story (amazing was meant to be sarcastic, by the way).
This is just really over the top. To the point where even in a world of magic talking pony it feels unbelievable. There has to be a better plot device to be used in turning 'Dad' into a pony. Is there a reason the Celestia can't just do it herself? It would be good to explain that if there is. Maybe she just felt like screwing with Discord (Princess Trollestia, perhaps?).
Again, with the jarring POV changes:
It reads similar to when you miss a shift while driving. The gears make a terrible grinding noise and all your focus goes immediately to that. It knocks the reader right out of the story.
Last Chapter: Well, you wrapped everything up pretty well, but again, it's so damn short.
Credits: Again, like the foreward it's unnecessary. Especially this part:
Everyone is well aware that you are not Hasbro. This little snippet would be seen pretty much as an admission of guilt if this thing were ever brought up for a copyright infringment case (which would never ever ever in a million years happen).
Recap:
* The story isn't that bad, I think the fact that this has been done so many times before may be a big factor in the down-ratings. A quick Google search returned no fewer than 7 MLD sequels.
* Some formatting errors that run throughout the entire thing.
* Very short chapters, not enough description of what's happening.
* Puncuation of of dialogue tags, and using sentences that are not dialogue tags as such.
In its current form, I give it two out of five Pinkies.
My work here is done, if you have any specific question about anything I brought up, please feel free to PM me or reply to this comment.
NATOstrike ~ TWE Railroad Maintenance Engineer
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
*EDIT: Congratulations on making it to the folders of the TWE.
On.. The other hand, as long as fluttershy is happy, you got yourself a bomb :3
HERES THE THING. DON'T GIVE THE WHOLE STORY AWAY IN THE DESCRIPTION.
OH AND IT'S CAPSTOBER EVERYPONY !!!!
limewoody.files.wordpress.com/2006/04/aw_jeez_not_this_shit_again2.jpg
To be honest, I don't even have to read this. The badly worded summary and premise is more than enough for me. So, I will use a tasteful graphic to express my opinion:
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/423/untitle.JPG
1343786
CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!!!!
i.imgur.com/x0VPt.gif
Okay, so I haven't even read it yet, but I can feel this won't end well simply because of the description. I'm aware of the whole "don't judge a book by its cover," but I'll explain for a second. The description is a summary of the story, all while keep details as minimal as possible. You want to keep the reader in suspense: What happens to Twilight? Does Dashie's Dad actually get to go to Equestria? How will they do this? Your description most likely summarized every chapter, rather than just a small idea of the story. That's what a summary is; a short paragraph or two that give us an IDEA of what's going on, rather than throwing it all at us like this. Next time while writing a story, keep in mind to keep as much information that can be considered a spoiler as possible.
EDIT: Okay, I really don't see any point of writing a review, mainly due to the fact others beat me to it, and beating a dead horse (wow... I just realized how bad of a pun that is here...) is really pointless. So I see no need to waste my time when others already. Dark--AWAY!
Four fics in one day? You really must like being hated. Anyway, this is on its way to legendary status, and not in a good way. Anyway, here we go!
Potential Badfic Checklist (v2.1)
Pre-read
Picture of a badly-designed OC in PonyCreator - well, there isn't a picture, so I guess you get a pass
Utter hodgepodge of genre tags
Synopsis that is too long or explains the story - You just outlined the WHOLE FUCKING STORY. WHY SHOULD I READ IT?
Summary is full of gramatical errors - a few, but I'll give it a pass
Appeal for kindness or first fic excuse
Drawing attention to the writing rather than the story
Anywhere under 1300 words per chapter
In-story
Atrocious grammar - nothing worth blowing a gasket over
Absent spelling - Actually pretty good.
Boring sentence construction - Ehhh, yeah
Wonton cruelty to the common comma - This fic is in accordance with the Geneva Convention for Treatment of Grammatical Objects
Main character who makes me want to shoot him - Mopey as all hell, but not too bad.
Plot that has no business being set in Equestria - Meh
Wall-o-text syndrome - Yeah, there's a bit, and pretentious walls at that.
Insta-kills
Bloody hell, man. You know why they don't print books with only three words on each page? Because it would read like this.
Use of an unjustified alicorn
Unoriginal Human/Brony-in-Equestria - It's physcially impossible to get LESS original than the fifty-somthing-th sequel to SOMEONE ELSE'S STORY
Author insert or wish-fulfilment story
Canon ponies acting wildly out of character - doesn't matter, because...
ANY actual chapter having less than 600 words
Verdict: cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/22875508.jpg
Rating: 1.5/5 Pinkies
1344077 AWWWW YEEAAHHH!
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/263/866/403.gif
this might have been half decent if the chapters lasted moar than 10 sentences
really good story
static1.fjcdn.com/comments/Tl+DR+But+thumb+for+you+fellow+anon+_dc944a7a53f4addf4dc8908399233580.jpg
Thanks for telling me the entire story in the description!
Now I don't have to read your terrible story!
By the way, your description is riddled with mistakes!
Fix them!
1343403
Er, no.
What you are talking about is the difference between Logical (British) and Traditional (American) punctuation of dialogue. Good job on knowing there's a difference; most people don't. Your understanding of the difference could, however, do with some work.
You're correct in stating that the Traditional way of saying it would be "Oh, Dashie," I said as [...]. The method using Logical punctuation would be "Oh, Dashie", I said as [...]. Please note the comma after the quotation marks. However, this is irrelevant for one very important reason.
The preference for writing in fiction, for all English speaking audiences, is to use the Traditional version when it comes to punctuating dialogue. The only time you will ever encounter Logical punctuation on Fimfic is in comments like these and quotations, "such as the one I'm doing now", within stories.
That last one's because us Brits like to be inconsistent bastards. We also like irony, so have a
cdn2.mamapop.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/themoreyouknow.jpg
1344253
Dude, not to call you out or tell you to stop or anything, but provide some examples when critiquing. If the author wants to learn then having an example of where they screwed up is invaluable. You may also want to tone down some of your comments. Attack the fic rather than the author is one piece of advice I've always tried to live by.
1345105
Your lucky I beat you to it for the TWE review.
1345201
Thank you, that is very informative.
Love it.
1345201
I don't believe I made any comments about the author himself. My attacks are all directed at the, um, work. Besides, I fairly pointed out the things he did right.
And 90% of the time I do provide critiques, however there's
a) times when you can tell that it's either not wanted or won't help, and/or
b) not enough time in my day to go through all of this author's epics. To be brutally honest, there's authors more deserving of it. If you have the time, go for it, but the idea that you can't be told your work is poor is a HUGE personal pet peeve of mine.
1344253 I like your checklist a lot.
I'm especially glad that his fic didn't contain any
i.imgur.com/JXXQx.png
While I'm here, I may as well slap my review on this. I haven't had much time to write this, so this is a very short review on my part.
[THIS REVIEW MAY BE FILLED WITH NEGATIVE THINGS. Just warning you now.]
GRAMMAR: I took a VERY brief look through this and didn't find much on the grammatical side of errors, so that's pretty good!
LENGTH: The shortness. It burns.
I'm sure you've recieved hundreds of comments about how short your chapters are, but seriously, do something to lengthen them. Add some filler, put in additional details, or maybe even do some forecasting... but please, just lengthen the short chapters to at least 1000 words.
Secondly, you need to slow your go on the events. You can get a lot more out of your story by taking your time and introducing each event with its fair share of detail.
In order to provide an example, I have rewritten the first chapter.
ORIGINAL: It's been exactly a year now. Or exactly a day in Equestria. I've been trying to take everything slowly. My little Dashie was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I had already accepted that because of the very reason that it was true. There was nothing I could do about it. What I couldn't accept was how I felt. Fifteen years with her and then just like that she was gone. I thought I'd be able to handle the pain. I thought after time, my pain would heal. For a while I actually believed that. It took me an entire real to come to this realization but, the pain hadn't gone away. And I knew it wouldn't in the future either.
Since the day she left, I tried to leave everything as it was. Even though Princess Celestia had taken everything away my memories still lingered and I didn't want to lose them. I walk over to the table and see the photo album. That was one of the things I hadn't touched since that first day. It would cause me too much pain. But perhaps, maybe I needed pain. Maybe pain could get rid of pain. I sit down and open the book, revealing the pictures of my daughter that we had taken in our long yet brief time together. I flip through them but soon realize that the pain was only growing. I knew that letting her go was the best decision for her. I hated being so selfish but I just couldn't help myself from missing her. Dashie was the one who gave my life meaning. Before her, nothing else mattered. Just a boring old city in a boring old house.
I looked at a picture of right around the time I first found her. I'm not sure of the exact time but I can approximate. Her eyes, so innocent. Looking right into mine. I felt as though she was actually there, right in front of me. I began to touch the photo. I tried to imagine myself feeling her one more time. Nothing. I continued to look at the photo. "Oh, Dashie." I said as tears began to run down my cheeks. I closed the book. I couldn't take much more of that. I walked for my door. As usual, it would help. All I hope now is that the walk wouldn't fail me.
I begin to walk outside. Out in the open. It was one of those "What could go worse now?" moments and although I didn't say it, I believe I may have thought it because it then started to rain. It was going to be a long day.
REWRITTEN: It's been exactly a year now… or the equivalent of exactly one day in Equestria.
I've been trying to take everything slowly so I can give myself some recovery time. My little Dashie was gone… absolutely gone. Hardly a speck of evidence of our time together, aside from maybe a fleeting memory and the pictures I have treasured so dearly since my Dashie left me, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
As much as it has pained me so, I had already accepted that because of the very reason that it was true. There was simply absolutely nothing I could do about it. Nothing in my power could change the events that had transpired, yet I was thankful for that exact same thing, seeing as our time together had been so well-spent. Every second of her time with me has brought a tear to my eye, whether of sadness or of joy it has brought me to tears each time.
What I couldn't accept was how I felt. Fifteen whole years with her, then suddenly, swift as a bolt of lightning… she was gone. I thought I'd be able to handle the pain. I thought after time, my pain would heal. I wished it would. I prayed as hard as I could for the pain to subside, and for a time, I believed it would. It took me a year to come to this realization but, the pain hadn't gone away. And I knew it wouldn't in the future either. If anything, the pain had only strengthened through the time spent apart.
Every memory haunts me like a forlorn spirit wandering the physical plane, simply looking for a reason to exist. Each second I spent with her, lovingly caring for her, praying that it would last forever, had all brought me such wretched pain that I almost wished it would go away. I shook such abhorrent behavior from my head, not wishing for my last bits and pieces of her life to be drained away from me before my time was through. I would cherish each and every second I remembered of our time together. Cherish it like it was gold in the hands of a beggar.
Since the day she left, I tried to leave everything as it was… although I didn’t have much left to leave. Regardless of Princess Celestia having taken nearly everything away, my memories still lingered and I didn't want to lose them. At base minimum, she hadn’t robbed me of everything that could remind me of Dashie. I still had my photo album which was so caringly stocked with many moments of our time spent together. I walked over to the table and see the photo album strewn across it. That was one of the things I hadn't touched since that first day... that one, fateful day that the lamp guiding me through my darkness had been snatched away from me. It would cause me too much pain to look through it and remember. To remember every second spent with my precious Dashie. Yet… perhaps I needed pain. Maybe pain could get rid of pain, such in the same line of iron sharpening iron. I took a seat and opened the book gingerly, revealing the pictures of my daughter that we had taken in our long yet brief time together. I flip through them but soon realize that the pain was only growing and feasting upon those moments long past which I treasured so dearly. I knew that letting her go was the best decision for her, yet the sting that could rival that of a blade remained for each photo in that album. I hated being so selfish but I just couldn't help myself from missing her. Light of my life, light of my world. Dashie was the one who gave my life meaning. She brought purpose to my life and it feasted upon it, and now I couldn’t stand to be away from it. Before her, nothing else mattered. Just a boring old city in a boring old house on a boring old street with boring old possessions… but when she came into my life, I finally had something to put my effort into. I had purpose.
I looked at a picture of right around the time I first found her. I'm not sure of the exact time, but I can approximate. Her eyes, so innocent. Looking right into mine. I felt as though she was actually there, right in front of me. I began to touch the photo. I tried to imagine myself feeling her one more time. I almost found myself hoping that the photo Dashie would leap from its frame and into my arms. Nothing. I continued to look at the photo. "Oh, Dashie." I said as tears began to run down my cheeks. I closed the book. I couldn't take much more of that. I walked for my door. As usual, it would help. All I hope now is that the walk wouldn't fail me.
I begin to walk outside. Out in the open. It was one of those "What could go worse now?" moments and although I didn't say it, I believe I may have thought it because it then started to rain. It was going to be a long day.
Not a thousand words, but the idea is there. Lengthier can tell the story better.
POV: There are definitely a lot of POV shifts in this story, and some of them may be hard to follow. I can't give a direct example right now as I am low on time, so I can just say that having a paragraph with several perspective shifts included in that one paragraph can be very confusing. I would suggest putting a break inbetween each shift if necessary, or lengthening the speech of the character to a point of the shift no longer being a necessity.
This paragraph here's a great example:
"Can't you just let me go for once!" I yelled as I was being help by Applejack on one side and Pinkie on the other, as Applejack had told Pinkie it was part of the game they were playing. Fifteen minutes and twenty-four seconds had already passed which the equivalence would be a whole week in the real world. Twilight walked up to Rainbow Dash. "Rainbow, I think I finally found a way you can talk to your dad again!" Twilight said and then I stopped struggling. "D-dad?" I asked, curious about whatever she found out. "If I cast this spell on you, you should be able to go see your dad again!" Twilight continued. "Really? Oh please do it Twilight. I really want to see my dad again!" I yelled. Twilight looked concerned. "This is against Princess Celestia's direct orders. I don't know if I should." Twilight said looking down. All of a sudden, I could see spirit flow through her and she looked up at me "But you're one of my best friends. I have to do it." Twilight continued. I watched as Twilight's horn lit up and began to cast the spell.
It really fights back and forth between the characters, and I personally have a hard time following that. I really don't like having to picture it from multiple perspectives at once, so it's better to stick with one character until you either end the paragraph or do a perspective changer.
Example rewrite:
“Can’t you just let me go for once?!” I roared as I was held down by Applejack and Pinkie on opposing sides. Apparently, Applejack said it was a part of some sort of game they were playing, so she went right along with it.
In the time that had passed, which had been Fifteen minutes and twenty-four seconds in total, I knew that one week had gone by in the human world. I struggled to retain my tears until Twilight walked up and said, “Rainbow, I think I finally found a way for you to talk to your Dad again!”
I stopped struggling immediately, emotions flooding back into my mind. “D-dad?” I asked with curiosity and intent, struggling briefly at the hold. I stared at Twilight as she spoke, “If I cast this spell on you, then you should be able to see your Dad again!” She smiled briefly before taking on a look of concern. “But… this is against Princess Celestia’s direct orders. I don’t know if I should…” she trailed off and gained a sudden interest in her hooves.
Without warning, she righted herself and looked right at me, saying, “but.. you’re one of my best friends. This is something I have to do. ” She spoke softly, then her horn began to glow as she prepared the spell.
TONE: I'm going to directly put this on par with the prequel and say the tone is not hardly carried. There doesn't seem to be nearly enough emotion set into the words. In example, many paragraphs in the original MLD would fill your senses with teh same emotion intended by the writer due to descriptive words. I see a lacking thereof in this fic.
Example paragraph:
Nothing has been better since that one year anniversary of my little Dashie leaving. In fact, I walk by the forest in which Rainbow and I hugged each other with so much emotion everyday now. I know I don't want to but I have to get Dashie out of my head. For good. If not, I can never be happy. But even if I do, who's to say I'll be happy? Plus, even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I just can't get my little Dashie out of my head. She's my everything. I can't be without her. I walk up her room or at least what used to be her room. Still empty. Or was it? No, this time that I've gone in here. There was something very different yet familiar at the same time.
This could have a lot more emotion in it. I could be filled to the brim with sadness right now, so we need to express that sadness through the words.
EXAMPLE REWRITE:
Not a single thing has become easier or gone for the better since that one-year anniversary of my little Dashie’s departure. Even now, I walk through the forest, its leaves a decaying green and grass fading away, and fond memories of me and Dashie having such an emotional moment here. I walk by it each day, remembering your loving embrace under that grand tree, where we had made resolve of the situation and I thought we could be together forever. Just you and me, my little Dashie… that’s what I prayed.
Althought it may be hard, I feel as though I may need to get Dashie out of my head… for good. If not, I may never have the chance to be happy. I will always think back to you and our wonderful time together. All the moments we spent, you learning how to walk and talk, me learning more about you even though you had no memory of your origin, and boy do I remember that time you did the Sonic Rainboom. It was like a masterpiece being painted in front of me at supersonic speeds, being portrayed with every color of the visible spectrum. Then when we went back inside and we celebrated.. how much fun we had; It filled me with such joy.
It’s moments like that which make me miss you the most.
Even if I did forget Dashie, though, who would say I’d be happy? Who’s to say I could move on and live with happiness in my heart from that moment on?
Even if I wanted to, of course, I wouldn’t be able to.
You were my everything, Dashie. You put life and meaning back into my purposeless time. I will never let my memory of our time together fade past the veil of time. I can’t stand being without you in this cold, desolate world, with a Dashie shaped hole in my heart that will never be filled.
I occasionally walked into Dashie’s room just to reminisce, but this time something was different in this empty room… or was it empty at all? Something different, yet all too familiar, had presented itself.
AND THERE YA HAVE IT. There's my review. I hope you've found this review to contain the right amount of constructive and deconstructive criticism at the same time, and I hope you've learned a bit from it, or this will have all been for naught.
Ollie outie,
-HyperRandomness
1345203 I wouldn't have to read it anyways because the description tells you exactly what happens.
Which is also why this part scares me:
1345300
Hmm. That might be down to differences in our idea of what constitutes an attack. I'd regard things like this
as being borderline close. It was unnecessary and made certain assumptions about the author. I can understand that it was meant in a jokey tone, but you should also understand that some authors can become extremely prissy over any perceived slight. Giving them ammo's never a good idea.
As for
a) true
b) I didn't say that you can't call work poor if you want to. I would, however, suggest modifying it to 'I don't like it'. The later's far easier to defend.
1344253
I'm stealing this beautiful checklist for myself when editing.
Just a heads up :P.
1345430
I try to look out for those delicious treats. Somepony has to.
1345781
I think "this is bad" is pretty damned easy to defend in this case. Besides, I made the mistake of going on a badfic binge, and my "helpful" tank is drained.
1346200
No charge, just make sure you fix that damn typo. >.<
1346390 I must say, I'm rather fond of that joke.
1346200 If you have to use a checklist to make sure you didn't do any of those things... You might want to read a shit ton of novels before you continue writing. As well as all of these.
As per the standard /v/irgin farewell goes...
kill yourself
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/27418590.jpg
Well.. There goes the entire story. Right in the description. *eye twitch*
Very... very... short. I like this story, though.
I updated my 'review' of sorts, if anyone wants to see.
1345474
You know... I like the idea, but as with all the reviews up above, the length was short, the idea's been used so many times, etc etc. Not really what I like to see in a fanfic AT ALL.
But at any rate, you earned a... "like" from me. Just for the effort.
1344253
Austraeoh would like to have a word with you.
So would the Diary of John.
1346722
Diaries are a special case writing style, they get a pass. This also applied to Her Mother's Diary, which, so far, I'm really liking.
And with all due respect to the other, I'd still kill it. Incredibly short chapters REALLY get on my nerves. It gives me NO time to engage with the story before I get shoved right back out again at the end of the screen. Willing suspension of disbelief is different for every reader, but for me, that's pretty much a death blow. It's like being asked to get up and leave the theater every 10 minutes through Lord of the Rings—it doesn't matter how good the story is, I'm still going to hate it because I wasn't allowed to enjoy it.
i'm giving an all over comment for the whole thing, since i actually read it on fanfiction
i liked this. it was a bit confusing at times, but it was okay.
i still prefer My Little Dashie A Sequel though
Totally lovin' this.
ty500600's version is better. Still a pretty good fanfic though.