Electro Spark introduces her immediate family and starts talking about her first years of school of which weren't so good.
She also talks about Dirty McDirtson, her best childhood friend. She was bullied all the time but Dirty was always there for her. Despite one day aquiring his cutie mark before Electro had hers, he continued to stay her friend. Her Grandma, however, was getting a vision of the future. Something terrible was going to happen to Electro, but she didn't know what.
At eight years old, Dirty finally blew his top and was completely jealous of Electro. Due to his young age, he couldn't cope with it and tried to kill Electro in a power plant using electricity but only ended up knocking both of them unconscious. That was when Electro got her cutie mark - a Tesla coil.
After the incident with Dirty, Electro didn't want to stay in Canterlot anymore in order to avoid run-ins with Dirty so instead she moved to Ponyville where she began to make new friends like Shadow Flash, Hunter, and Golden Rod. She also met Kuroi Shiroi and Fire Sparkle along with Hunter's daughter Sheila, and a friend of Hunter's, Slash.
She continues to meet more characters like Light Spark, Sonic Blitz, and Bess who were helping Sheila recover from a sickness. Some ponies named Sparx, Pluto, and Fireblaze were bullying her at the hospital but another pony was trying to help called Snow Eyes. A pony named Tail Sword only made things worse. She found out that Hunter had ponio and it could kill him. Later, she met Mattias Nilsson who also tried to kill her and her friends, along with Derpy Hooves and Pinkie Pie. Her brother Thunder Shock came to visit as well. She also met Jette Black and Plasma bolt who were dating.
After a while of not seeing Shadow Flash, Electro reconnects with him. A pony named Carson was trying to cure Hunter's ponio. She got split into two ponies after she drank a potion that Kuroi made me. She got cider from the first time from Applejack and met Twilight Sparkle. She met Shadow Flame and Fire Heart who were siblings along with Star Swirl who had just opened a new store of which she bought many things using Thunder Shock's money. Another friend of her's, named Titanium Trance opened up a store called Ty's Tunes.
Soon, someone was in Ponyville. It was Dirty McDirtson. After talkign to him a while, she allowed him to apologize and they became friends once more. There were spirits called Aka and Ao who were possesing different ponies but she ran before they could posses her. During hearts and hooves day, there was a lot of commotion with a love potion.
She fought a Hydra with the help of Rai, Free Kick, Blue Thrush, and Sky Dasha, along with Hunter. It turned out fine until she found out that Hunter wasn't actually Sheila's father, he was her brother! They were being mean to each other so she tried electrocuting him, but instead fell off a cliff, fell unconscious, and then fall into a coma.
No.
Take your bad OCs elsewhere.
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judging by the comments and the likes dislikes....im not going to read this sorry
Your description is 500+ words... bigger than a chapter. You should shrink it so it only contains the main ideas of the history.
And your chapters are a bit short. You could make them bigger.
There were some spelling mistakes, also. You should get a proofreader or use an auto corrector.
Lastly, I read about your history... I liked it.
But that is because I really don't mind self insert OCs. When you make an OC history, you have to give the reader a reason why he would like to read about him.
I hope you can keep improving! And keep safe.
1342565 I concur. This is good advice to follow.
This fic isn't all that terrible, although the description was a bit long winded and that'll come across as a shock to a lot of people. I would suggest creating a 'prologue' of sorts and posting most of that info in there. You could even title it 'History' or something like that.
As for the story I found it to be, for the most part, well written. A few typos here and there, such as this part in the last paragraph in the first chapter. (My edits in red)
It's simple stuff and I would suggest finding an editor/prereader to quickly skim over things and correct all the little mistakes like this. There are a lot of people here willing to do so, and I find a good group to check out for that stuff is Looking for Editors.
Again, I've only read the first chapter but I found it enjoyable to read. It's not gonna be to everyone's taste being, from what I can tell, a story that only follows OC's. But I don't think it should be getting the hate it is either.
~AJIBP Mod of TWE~
HOLY SHIT, long ass description much?
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Hmm...your description seems longer than your first chapter.
So...how's it going? Time for me to give you my two cents.
Your description is...incredibly long and confusing. The point of the description is to catch the reader's eye by telling a few key points, not to summarize the entire story. After reading the description, it was like there was no point in reading the actual story because you spoiled everything. I'd suggest you change that right away. Like, RIGHT NOW. And another thing about your cover is that people don't like seeing Pony Creator as your cover pic. I personally hate when people judge like that, but that's just the way things are.
Second, and this has been touched on before, the chapters need to be longer. Not too long, but maybe at least one thousand words. I've told this advice many times before, and I'll say it again: you need to flesh out your characters, and doing that with five-hundred word chapters isn't going to do your OC justice. Wrote an OC fic myself, I know what I'm talking about.
No need for credits. We know you didn't make MLP, and we know who the voice actors are.
And while we're on the subject of characters, you've got...quite a few of them. Like...a lot of them. It seemed as though every chapter introduced four more characters into your ever-growing list of OCs. It's a lot of ponies to keep track of, and that's something readers don't want to do. Why should I care about the numerous random characters if they only appear in, like, two chapters? It's kinda tedious if you ask me.
There's also a few grammar problems here and there, but that's simple stuff that I won't get into. It wasn't the grammar issues that earned my frustration, it was the crazy plot. I understand you want your OC to have an exciting history, isn't that what every pony creator wants? But there's just so much to follow crammed into such tiny little space! Perhaps if you lengthened it out, it wouldn't be so tiring and difficult to read. I seriously hate saying this (LIKE, REALLY REALLY HATE THIS), but this is a site for authors and readers to scrounge out stories and see if they exceed their expectations. Read some good fanfics and see what makes them good, and try to incorporate them into your story. You're not only writing to please yourself, but for the thousands on this site as well. But for now, it falls pretty short of its mark.
Find someone to help you fix this up. Don't let the dislikes turn you away from the writing world. Instead, think of it as a challenge to get better. And if you do improve, you'll be so much better off in the long run.
Giving you my best unwept wishes
~Schlippy
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Your description makes me weep. It rambles like none other, is OBSCENELY long, and isn't even a synopsis, because it just flat out tells you every damn thing ever. Your OC makes me want to die before I've even met him, and I can tell at a glance that you put no thought into names, places, or plots. I hold no hope for the writing itself, but I'd never stick around to find out.
And since just the DESCRIPTION is that bad, I'd rather nail my own member to a burning log than read this story.
Normally, I'd feel bad about saying this, but in this case, I don't.
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"Find someone to help you fix this up. Don't let the dislikes turn you away from the writing world. Instead, think of it as a challenge to get better. And if you do improve, you'll be so much better off in the long run." <- From Schlippy comment.
There is no greater advice people can give you. Please take this at heart.
I think I hear a train coming...
Your story in a nutshell. I made the same mistake the first time. Shorten it a lot.
What is. I don't even.
Too many characters, really!
Hmm... Judging from the fact that I see many dislikes and many hatin' comments... I'm gonna read this.
My expectations: *List of stuff I am expecting just from what I know, and what most readers would know before reading your story.*
1) Self Insert OC
2) Fkin OC Mary Sue
3) Too much B.S. info on stuff we have no need of knowing.
4) Semi-Ok Grammar.
5) This fiction MIGHT get horrible halfway.
Let's see if you can beat THESE expectations... Be back after I've read.
For this story, there are two main points that need to be addressed:
1) Your description. It's been said before, but it is highly advised that chop it down to a reasonable length. Remember, the description should only give your readers a broad overview of what's going on. Your story itself should provide the actually detailed information. This will also help you increase your chapter lengths.
2) OC's. As the author of a HiE fanfiction, I'm going to tell you right now that incorporating an OC of any kind into a workable story is a challenge. I would highly suggest writing a few stories usually only canon characters before developing an OC to work into a storyline. It's difficult as anything, but if you pull it off, and you pull it off right, the results can be phenominal.
~Swirls
Description is 500+ words.
Your longest chapter is 1,798 words.
Have you read a real book? Like, a real book? One with a publishing company, a title page, a cover and everything?
Yeah, I thought not.
Everybody else has said what needs to be said already so I'll just leave this:
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1344409
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Dude, stop it. That's the second time I've seen you do that.
Hm... 1997? So we're going by standard Earth time? Ok.. I can deal.. Humid Oasis? It's an ok name... Abby Normal? That... doesn't sound like an OC name.. it sounds like someone got lazy trying to make up a HUMAN OC... Thunder Shock? Alright, although somewhat unoriginal, it is underused... Freezy Snowflake? Eh, a bit overused, but that's forgivable. There aren't too many ways to make up a snow related name for ponies.
Ok... triplets? Not bad.. Aqua Splash? Not bad! Pyro Flame? Ok... Ivy Blade? Eh... I don't think ponies would use the word 'Blade' in naming. It sounds too violent, and going by both canon and fanon, ponies aren't very violent by nature. If this isn't going by usual canon/fanon, please make it more clearer! Thank you for not wasting too much time on chip info* *This means useless info* He lives in Canterlot, eh? Alright..
"Anypony goofing around was considered almost considered a monster." Yea.. you repeated. Goofing around as a skill? Kay...
"They made fun of me sometimes[COMMA_INSERT] and called me nicknames like Sparky[COMMA_INSERT] but I know they were just playing like family." Yea... fix that. "That[COMMA_INSERT] however[COMMA_INSERT] changed on my first day of school." Again, fix it.
Pre-schooler? Cool. Starting at 3 years, eh? Hmm.. don't know why a teacher would get mad for using magic, when it SHOULD be a momentous occasion.. Meh, maybe it's for plot.
And here it is, where you mention the bullying. Not that I don't mind using that for character development, but it's very overused. Meh, oh well. It seems like there is a bit of discrimination against Unicorns.. And here we leave a cliffhanger after you mention a possible love-interest.
Overall, this fic is decent, at least, judging from this first chapter. A bit too many OC's man. You might wanna cut down a bit, like maybe denote 1-2 OC's. The story itself is... interesting. I'm the kind of guy who enjoys reading OC's, but only if they are well done. This seems like it COULD be well done, just from the first chapter. I'm going to continue on to the next chapter and see if I'm right..
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~Axel Nyan, TWE Official Reviewer.
1344226 Hory shet! Surprised to see you here. And of course, you're here with good advice and support.
1346623
Thank you.
It means a lot for me.
1346581
Pro-tip: A "cannon" fires off large metal balls, usually to destroy castle walls or ships. The word you're looking for is "canon." (And also "fanon," not "fannon")
Cheers.
1347992 Pro-tip taken, sorry 'bout that mistake, I get that confuzzled a lot.
1348105
No problem, sir.
1344409 And it's coming right for your cunt.
HOLY HOOTS!
How is this a description? I mean.. I think the writer put more effort into the description than her OWN story!