Forever a Changeling
by Scootaloo-009, a.k.a. Mechsrule1
My Little Pony and related names, images, and scenarios are property of Hasbro Inc.
Chapter 1
It was her favorite thing in the world. Her heart was beating rapidly. She was breathing heavily and loved it. The wind in her mane, the warm sun on her face, working her wings just right, it was just wonderful.
Rainbow Dash smiled broadly. She loved flying and she took every opportunity to stay in the air. Sometimes she had a destination, but today she was just flying for the sake of flying.
Below her stretched an endless field of apple trees. She spotted a tiny orange figure in amongst the foliage. She angled her wings accordingly and began swooping down towards her friend.
“Hey, Applejack,” she greeted when she was close enough.
“Howdy, Rainbow,” her farmer friend replied.
“How are things here today?”
“Alright. Say, Ah know we ain’t scheduled for rain till the weekend but could yah drop a little on the southern field? It’s really dry.”
“Sure,” Rainbow Dash agreed. She flew off and began gathering all the clouds nearby. There weren’t that many nearby so it was a small collection. She moved it to where Applejack had moved to and gave it a good kick. The downpour lasted only a minute.
When it was over, Rainbow Dash flew down to Applejack.
“How was that?”
“Great, thanks.”
“Any time.”
“If yah ain’t busy yah might want tah go see Fluttershy. She was fussin’ about somethin’ this mornin’”
“Good idea. I’ll see you around,” Rainbow Dash said, flying off.
“Hold up, bahfore yah go,” Applejack called. She pulled an apple out of a nearby basket and tossed it to her friend.
“Thanks!”
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“Fluttershy.”
“So much to clean...”
“Fluttershy?”
“I’ve got to make sure all the animals are fed.”
“Fluttershy?”
“And water the plants. Oh, there’s just so much to do!”
“Fluttershy!”
The yellow pegasus dropped the watering can she was holding and looked around. “Oh, Rainbow Dash... I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”
“What’s got you so busy?”
“My parents are coming by for a visit,” Fluttershy explained, retrieving the watering can.
“Why is that such a big deal?” Rainbow Dash asked. “You didn’t tell them you’re an item with somepony and now you have to come up with a convoluted plan to avoid admitting you lied but without telling that pony either, did you? Or they’re actually former wonderbolts who hate the fact you live on the ground? Or maybe they just pick on you.”
“What?”
“Come on, Fluttershy, if they’re anything like they were back when we were in flight school, it’ll be fine.”
“I just don’t want them to be disappointed. They weren’t exactly excited when I told them I was living here.”
“That’s because you’re so close to the Everfree Forest. Fluttershy, it’ll be fine.”
“I guess you’re right,” Fluttershy agreed. “What’s that?”
Rainbow dash turned and saw two wisps of green smoke flying towards them. The two wisps condensed before them into two scrolls.
“Huh,” Rainbow Dash said, picking one up. “It’s from Twilight.”
“She wants us all to meet by the town hall,” Fluttershy read out loud.
“I wonder what this is all about.”
“We probably shouldn’t keep her waiting.”
“Yeah. With the number of disasters we have here every other week it’s probably something bad,” Rainbow Dash stated.
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Seven good friends were gathered in the center of Ponyville. It wasn’t an unusual sight, they did hang out quite often. It was a partly cloudy day and Equestria seemed quite calm for a change.
Twilight Sparkle looked around and saw all her friends were present. “I see you got my messages.”
“You said it was urgent. I hope I didn’t take too long getting here,” Fluttershy said.
“That was pretty neat, getting a letter from Spike,” Rainbow Dash said.
“I thought you only sent things to Princess Celestia,” Rarity added.
Spike, the only non-pony present smiled. “It’s a new trick I learned. So far it’s only worked with you girls. I tried sending messages to ponies I don’t really know and it didn’t work. It probably only works with my friends.”
“Why don’t you just ask somepony?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“There aren’t any dragon experts I know of and no books either. That’s why I’m writing everything we learn down so any ponies who come after can read about what we learned,” Twilight said, putting a hoof over Spike.
“So what’s this all about, Twah?” Applejack asked.
Twilight pulled out a scroll with her magic. “Princess Celestia is concerned some changelings might still be in the area, so she’s having court mages go to all the towns and search them. Since I live here, she asked me to do it.”
“But how do we check everypony?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“In the letter she described a spell that will knock out any nearby changelings and force them to drop their disguise. I’ll cast it over Ponyville then we just have to look around. They should be out for a few hours so we have plenty of time to look all over,” Twilight explained.
“What about everypony else?” Fluttershy asked.
“You might feel a slight tingle but it only harms changelings,” Twilight replied.
“Alright, let’s see some magic!” Rainbow Dash cheered.
Twilight nodded. At once her horn began glowing it’s familiar magenta. The glow intensified. From the unicorn, a wave of similarly colored energy cascaded out. It bathed the whole town in light. The various ponies walking about stopped and stared at the display, confused.
A dull pain started in Rainbow Dash’s head. As the spell continued it got worse and worse. She began rubbing her forehead with one hoof.
“Are yah okay, Sugarcube?” Applejack asked, noticing her distress.
“I-” Rainbow Dash said. Her mouth felt like it was full of cotton candy but without the taste. “Marhud” she groaned. Her vision swam then faded to black.
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Rainbow Dash was awake but she didn’t want to open her eyes. Her head hurt a bit and her entire body ached. She could hear distant voices but she couldn’t make heads or tails of what they were saying. She hoped the pain in her head would go away if she just stayed quiet for a while and light seemed to make it worse, but it didn’t abate at all.
Finally she got bored and opened her eyes. The first thing she noticed was she was vertical, somehow being held to a wall. She looked around and saw she was in a featureless room with her friends. The only thing in the room besides them was a table. There was one chair that Twilight was currently sitting in, facing away from her.
Fluttershy was off in one corner sobbing while Rarity tried to comfort her. Pinkie Pie was staring at Rainbow Dash but she couldn’t read what the earth pony was feeling. Applejack was looking at her too but the anger was obvious. Twilight was reading a book like she almost always was. Applejack nudged Twilight and pointed. Twilight saw Rainbow Dash was awake and slammed the book shut.
“Uh.. what’s going on?” Rainbow Dash asked.
Twilight strode up to her and got within an inch of Rainbow Dash’s face. “Where is Rainbow Dash?”
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For those unfamiliar with my writing style, here is a brief explanation of how my dividers work.
When you see this:
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It means the following takes place in the present.
When you see this:
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It means the following takes place in the past or in a dream.
If you like this story, you should check out some of my other works:
The Seven Tribes, a rather long fanfic that, like many stories, tries to explain the past.
Samurai Applejack, a drastically different kind of story. It’s rated mature for violence and some suggestive lines.
Night of the Werepony, what I consider to be my worst story, but it’s my most popular. It’s just one chapter long.
My tumblr, an alternate universe mixing MLP and Cyborg 009.
1325663
Bannable offense.
1325664 What did he say?
1325687 All he commented was 'First!'
What is with the dislikes? It's a decent story. Bit overused idea but it's not like Black and Red alicorn OC or Brony in Equestria.
1325664
Who said what?
Well, I had a few problems with this.
1. Applejack's accent. When we read Applejack's lines, we know that it's Applejack speaking, so we're already reading it in her accent. You don't have to write her accent in. I wouldn't have had a problem with it, though, if you hadn't over-written it. "Twah?" "Bahfore?" Really?
2. The "one of the mane 6 is really a changeling" thing is a little overused at this point.
However, besides from this, it's an OK story. I'll read further chapters if you decide to continue this, but I won't favorite it.
The stuff I have to put up with to join the TWE. Anyways, my beard and I have read the chapter and have some advice:
First, and most important: EMOTION! Show it, a lot. Dialogues feel bland, boring and uninteresting. Feels like I'm reading through a menu in a restaurant. And that's bad. My beard implies that if something reads like a menu you should be able to ask some of it to eat, which I think it's not the case.
There are some punctuation issues here and there, but nothing way too horrible.
Most of the story, like three quarters of it, is mostly random scenes that just stretch the story too much and tells nothing about the premise of the fic. And that only makes the interest grab his suitcase and call a taxi.
One of the thinks that made my beard try to punch the screen was the "Finally she got bored and opened her eyes" part. Seriously, it makes no sense! She kept her eyes close not because the sight of her eyelids was amazing, but becayse the pain (as you mentioned) didn't allow her to open them.
Anyways, considering the one issue with the spell in the season finale that disrupted every single changeling, it didn't affect RD here. Why? There must be explanations. If you are to mess with canon, you need a hell of a lot of stuff to back your theories up. And you have non here.
I can't judge with the Choo Choo thing, and I don't consider this SO bad. However, I have the feeling that both AJ and FS's scenes were put there in order to make the story long enough to submit. It's not like it's going to be important in the long run (I don't trust that those scenes will become Chekhov's guns of any kind), and a simpler and shorter scene would've worked better.
Good day,
Simon o'Sullivan, bearded reviewer.
This is relevant to my interests... let's see where this will go
1325891
I for one, don't mind the long chat strings, I'm even prone to writing them myself. The dialogue sounds normal, which is often used to try and give a sense of normalcy to make RD's big unveil more shocking. Same with all the random scenes, normalcy to make the unveil more shocking.
I do like this fic, and am interested to see where it goes.
1326287
It's called juxtaposition, and it's the same reason Half Life opened with ten minutes of you going to work on a normal day before the place explodes.
Decent idea, but the execution has... quite a bit to be desired.
The introduction with Applejack then Fluttershy could stand to be either expanded upon to, as 1326287 says, create a sense of RD having a normal day before the reveal, or deleated, start with the reveal, then go back in time to show--as stated in the description--RD had no idea she was a Changeling. As the introduction is now, I feel like it's a waste of space, and I speed-read through most of it (something I very rarely do, and almost exclusively to stuff I've already read before).
Also, RD's reaction to finding herself stuck to a wall really should be extensively explored, and I imagine she would be a bit more violent about finding herself trapped with AJ glaring at her and FS crying, at least until TS asks that question. At this point, I think it's really important it is shown that she is still RD (or thinks she is) somewhere in the part after she awakes from the effect of TS's spell--the sooner, the better.
1326317
What fun that was. So the term 'juxtaposition' actually applies to entire segments of the story? I thought it only applied to things like: "X was a nice bully." Ie, words or phrases that contradict. I guess you really do learn something new every day :D
As of this minute, "Forever a Changeling" is featured on FimFiction. Congrats :P
1326382
Yay! This is the 2nd time one of my stories has been featured. The last one was up for almost an hour.
faving this.
... Yeah, sure, this looks interesting... Continue...
Before even reading, and without an image because I'm lazy,
FOREVER A DRONE.
Is it me in my insecurity or is there a lot more "I'm a changeling" stories lately?
Aaaand I read it. Dear Christ, the bit at the end about the dividers makes this feel like an episode of Doctor Who. And the dialogue reminds me of me. That's not a good sign.
1326287
I have to agree to certain point. However, I still consider the amount of them a bit excessive. Maybe if there was only one scene would've been fine. I'm a writer myself and I don't shrink to admit that the first paragraph of a story is the hardest to write, and something like a scene of day-to-day life is the most reasonable option.
I still consider that the dialogues are heavily lacking emotions, and though it's true the fact about normalcy, I have to disagree with your concept of normalcy. For example, Pinkie Pie being giggly and hyperactive is normalcy. Actions that ponies do everyday are normalcy. The fact that the ponies speak without a single trace of emotion attached to it... seems like we have cybermen speaking; emotionless, plain and boring dialogue. I just think that some spice of gestures and emotions to go with the dialogue would vastly improve it.
Even though the story is slightly interesting (though the premise is slightly overused as I've noticed), I don't consider that a bad sign, but it's indeed a challenge for the writer here. He must stand and say "I can do it better. I can do it memorable. I can make a story that will become the epythome of the "pony was really a changeling all along" concept!". And then he must do his best, and then do even better. And while it's an average start, the future chapters will dictate how this will do.
*clears throat* *large inhale*
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOWWW!!!!!!!!!!
1325814 That's bizarre, overused, you say? This is only the second 'Mane 6 is actually a Changeling' fic I've ever seen. The first being 'Whoe we Are.' D'you got links to the others?
Wow, I must say that you are truly talented if you could make me favorite a 1000word story at the first chapter. Excellent work, my dear Author!
1326524
There are a few. My favourites are the changeling Twilights which thankfully are more numerable. I'm on my phone so I'll have to name them off the top of my head.
First and best IMO is "Mirror's Image"
Next is "Want me, Need me, Love me"
"Coronation" is promising.
"Changing Perspective"
"Changing"
"The Vampony Chronicals" has one part with changeling!maneSix. But I won't spoil it.
"Right" is short and sweet.
-placeholder while I find moar-
Here are some non mane six ones:
"Life, lies and love"
"Mendacity" is pure gold
"Scootaling"
Also this genre is no more common than alicorn!ManeSix.
1325777 HOLY, good to know... I might of tried that one day if I ever made it first.
I kinda wanna see a story where one of them is a changeling, but instead of embracing them in hug or something, it pulls out a silenced uzi and guns them all down before walking away.
1326524 Want Me, Need Me, Love Me, Mirror's Image, The Three Sisters, Changelings, Changelings Everywhere, even though it's more of a parody of these types of stories, Scootaling, and plenty of others. However, even though it is kind of overused, it doesn't stop these types of stories from being good, as some of the stories I mentioned came from my favorites list.
Actually I'm really interested in seeing that each of the Mane 6 go through the "I'm a changeling?!?!?!" process. If done right, they will each have fascinating reactions to this premiss.
1326595 Scootaloo isn't Mane 6, so that can't be used in your argument.
I can't remember the one where Bon-bon is a Changeling, but I think her Shae name was Mendax.
1326554 I think Alicorn Mane 6 is more common, and I should know, seeing that I made fun of it in a fic I wrote. I think Mendacity's the one with Bon-bon, right? Is that it? I can't remember.
1326565 The Rarity one that I can think of is the one I already named, but that one's actually a riddle in and of itself. The changeling had always been there, and actually was the Element that they represented. It wasn't Applejack, she couldn't have lied about being one. It wasn't Pinkie Pie nor Dash, though I can't remember the exact reasons, though I believe it was due to an extenuating circumstance. Twilight wasn't it just for the reason that the Princess would have known. Fluttershy couldn't be the changeling because the love she got from her animals was fairly small, if consistent. The changeling was Rarity, but it never named her in the fic. You had to find that out yourself.
Also, Scootabuse is for bitches. I prefer Applebeating.
Now this is intressting, Can't wait till the next chapter
1326717
Yep, and Chrysalis should go bite iron >:)
There's another like it too, but can't seem to find it among the ~29 pages of favourites I have. Basically it has stalker Twilight in it's sequel. Need I say moar?
EDIT: One of them's "Life, lies and love"
wut
wanting moar!
Seems Interesting enough. Cant wait for the next chapter!
1326761 Yes, that's exactly what I said.
I had named 'Who we Are.'
I like this first chapter, it's a little short and not a lot of build up, so I presume things will get more intense and interesting as the story progresses, in short...
manscreed.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/im-listening.jpg
... Urg, just. Urg.
Most of that chapter was completely and utterly pointless. Gave no development to the plot or the characters in anyway. Pretty boring conversations about... things and well too fast. Come on, couldn't you have given us a bit more build up?
It's good, but there is one thing that I - personally - would REALLY like to see more of:
Detail. There isn't enough of it. I want to be able to see what Rainbow is seeing. I want to be able to feel Fluttershy's despair. I want to be able to hear the stern inflections of Twilight's voice.
Most of the story's dialogue is fine, but I think more detail would really draw the reader into the story more. I'm not talking Background Pony level of detail, but a bit more would do the story good.
Also, it doesn't mind that this is another Mane 6 as a changeling story, they're my personal favorite plot device, so whenever a new one come around, it's always worth a read!
Anyway, good job on the story, hope to see more of it!
WANT MORE!
Ermagerd maherd
It's like the Bermuda Triangle of Equastria or something.
First thought was, "Well this went to Clopville really fast."
Good premise, will keep this in my "read later" for now.
Now for some criticism (I hope you do not mind):
The dialog scenes could use some rework. They have a somewhat "talking heads" feeling to them.
Maybe best I give you an example:
Just a tip, any time you have to explain your markup in detail for the reader to get it, you're doing it wrong. Time cues go in narration, not markup. You're not writing a script, you're writing prose.
I'm wondering if AJ's apple is going to be a plot device...
actually that was not bad a all, glad i gave it a shot though the beginning seems...orkward (as a amateur i however can not put my finger on what exactly makes it odd.) no mistake i feel i am going to enjoy this.
Dialog a little boring in the first chapter, but great story regardless. Will favorite and keep reading.
Needs explanation for why she gathered them before casting. Perhaps to respond to prevent panic and restrain captives if the spell found anything?