Octavia moves to Ponyville, meets Vinyl Scratch and gets a record from her, then things start to unfold. If you read it please review it.
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- Member Since 24th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Jan 23rd, 2018
Spot Light
I'm just a Brony who wants their story read and reviewed
Spot Light
Joined 24th Dec, 2011 ·
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thank you that was ever so beautiful and touched my
thank you
116470 Thank You. I've been waiting for some brony to say that
This was adorable, i cant wait to read the sequel
Okay well didn't actually finish it because we all know how it's going to end but I want to give a few words of advice. First, Those lines when their talking could do with a little emotion like '"Ok, see you then." Vinyl left. "We will see each other tonight. And there I'll get payback on you for giving me that record." Octavia said with disdain.' Or '"Yes, I own this store." Vinyl said with pride' If only to give us that connection. Second, it was, from what I read, too quick. I mean one minute they don't know each other nek minute their friends, sure you possible could form friendships that fast but I don't think so. Third, it read funny. Like there was something you were trying to say but just couldn't get there. So yeah theres my critic, it was alright but could be better. So keep up the good work.
FF
476852 I have been waiting to do what you said But I have a lot on my plate right now
476852 One more thing about being too fast, Have you read other Octavia/Vinyl ficts? What I did was follow a common formula that others use.
Assuming english is not your first language, not too bad, but the spelling errors made for a rough read.
Exampe:
'I think I oh you one' should be 'I think I owe you one'
Pleaser, is said Please, with an r. You probly wanted Pleasure. Such as to pleasure your loved one.
497429I am offended by the first thing you said. And I'll fix the other stuff
Constructive critisism is just that. I was not trying to insult but point out the feel of the style. The flow and word usage is similar to other RL friends, and writers I know. Your idea was a fresh one, and could be done to alot greater length. If you had the drive, I can see this going for another 3-4k words.
Keep trying, you have some good ideas.
500045I even planed this out on paper before I wrote it I relay don't know what to add.
500690
Well for starters, you can have them go on a date and talk about their pasts. Delve more into Vinyl being an Albino, Octavia's feelings of being alone (if you did this in your followup Meet the Parents, i have yet to read it). Perhaps go into the reasons for Vinyl choosing her blue coloration, instead of other colors. Elaborate on why Octavia seems to be so easily vindictive over something so insignificant.
Things like that can really start the creative juices flowing...or not. *shrugs* just some ideas for futur stories maybe?
501074 I will be explaining that Meeting the Parents, I just haven't gotten to that yet. and it won't happen until chapter 3 of that story and right now I am working on chapter 2 right now.
D'AWWWWW!!!!!
I understand that this was an earlier piece in contrast to your other stories, but there were some grammatical issues here and there. Plus, it felt a tad rushed in certain places. I did like it though. Especially Vinyl's comment about Pinkie being over the top and "Pinkie Pie's Random Moments". That got a laugh out of me.
880896thank you. I am working on a sequel. I thought I fixed all the grammatical issues.
884380 I still spotted some (pun intended). It seems to me you struggle with descriptions. Please don't be offended.javascript:smilie('
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884663 I even had this proof read. I know my descriptions arn't the best. Say why don't you read Meeting the Parants. It's the sequel.
884691 Already have.
I just don't remember commenting on it or not. Guess that's what happens when you stay up all night reading stories. 
884793 LOL
I'm sorry but this story was just way to rushed
2296112 I went through this several times and I don't know what it needs.
If you ask for a review, then by God, I'll give you one.
I enjoyed the story; it has an interesting concept, flows well, and contains my favorite ship. However, the constant grammar slip-ups killed the mood a little, the story was rushed, and the characters didn't quite seem in-character. Vinyl seemed to formal and Octavia was more laid-back then they seem like they should be. Also, I feel like a good deal of explenation was left out; what happened in the ten minutes it took for them to get ready to leave the club? How did the characters sound, act, what did they do while speaking? All of these things, while they may seem mundain and boring, are important to a story. Writing a story is about painting a picture in the readrers mind, and they can't do that if there isn't enough detail about what's happening.
This is a good story, one that would be improved with something as small as a spell-check. It holds so much potential to be a great story, it just needs some refining from you, the writer. All it takes, like anything else, is practice, prctice, practice! Also what you could do is have people read your story before you publish it, be it someone you know in the real world or online here. Such as myself, I'm always more than happy to help someone who asks me.
I hope I'm not being to harsh, by no means is this story a bad story, I simply see room for improvement that could give an even greater story.
2713809 Well Keep in mind about Octavia and Vinyl they can be however I want and second I do have a sequel I'm trying to finish up though I am stuck.
2719405
You're 23,000+ words deep and you're stuck? The nice side of me wants to say, "I can help you" and dive right into it, but I'm a little stuck myself at the moment. If you want, I can finish up what I'm doing (I'm almost done) and offer some assistance if you like. Just hit me up and I'll be glad to help.
And fair point, by the way. Never thought of that.
2720059 I know funny right. It's just I can't seem to come up with what I want Octavia to say to her mother in the end