Breakin' Wind 2: Electric Pootaloo
"It's CURTAINS for YOU, Fluttershy!"
Fluttershy squeaked in fright and buried her head under her hooves, crouching low to the floor and trembling. Rarity bore down upon her like the wrath of all things wrathful and wrathy, eyes blazing, horn limned in a magical aura. The large package strapped to the fashionista's back opened, and...
Several rolls of fabric floated out, hovering between the two ponies. One unrolled itself, revealing a pleated pale-yellow linen curtain with pink velvet trim all around the edges and a masterfully embroidered pattern of butterflies decorated with small, bright gems occupying the lower right corner.
"Well?" Rarity asked. "Do you like them?"
Fluttershy stood up, rearing on her hind legs and kicking her front hooves in the air. "Oh, yes, very much. Thank you, Rarity. These are sooo beautiful."
Rarity beamed, clapping her hooves. "I'm so glad you love them, darling! I'll just help you put these up, and—"
Derpy plummeted out of the sky, plowed through the floating curtain, flailing as it blinded her, and crashed into Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus gave a startled yelp as the two mares tumbled across the lawn, crashing into the front wall of Fluttershy's cottage.
"Oh goodness!" Rarity exclaimed, rushing over and disentangling the two ponies. "Are you alright?" Derpy started to reply, but stopped when she realized Rarity had been addressing neither her nor Fluttershy, but the curtain. Rarity exhaled a sigh of relief. "Oh, good. No damage. It just needs to be ironed again." She threw a stern glare at the gray pegasus. "Derpy! DO watch where you're going!"
"Sorry," Derpy said, bowing her head, ears flat. "I didn't mean to make a mess. I'm looking for Scootaloo."
"Um...doesn't Scootaloo live all the way on the other side of Ponyville?" Fluttershy asked, brushing dust off herself and ruffling her wings.
"Oopsie," Derpy said. "I need to find her really fast, I've got an important let—" she trailed off, wings flaring as her eyes rolled in panic. "Oh no! Where's that letter?"
Pinkie Pie popped out of a shrub, a scroll clamped in her teeth. "You mean this letter?" she asked. "You lost it over by Sugarcube Corner."
"Oh, there it is! Thanks, Pinkie Pie," Derpy said. "I've got to find Scootaloo and give her that letter before—"
"Isn't that the Royal Seal of Canterlot?" Rarity asked, tilting her head. "Whatever could the Palace want with Scootaloo?" She snatched it away from Pinkie with her magic and opened it.
Fluttershy trotted over to Rarity and read the letter over her shoulder. Her eyes widened. "It says the Commissar is coming to Ponyville," she said, voice softer than usual.
"Oooh, the Commissar!" Pinkie Pie said in an impressed tone. "Is he bringing all his funky friends?"
"Pinkie Pie, this is serious!" Rarity snapped. "I think we need to take this letter to Twilight Sparkle immediately."
"But I'm supposed to take it to Scootaloo," Derpy interjected.
"We'll make absolutely sure Scootaloo has this letter well before the Commissar arrives," Rarity assured her.
"With all his funky friends!" Pinkie added randomly.
"Well...okay then..."
* * * * *
"Fillies and gentlecolts, may I present for the very first time...PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle!"
The crowds of ponies cheered and chanted her name as the newest pony princess stretched her brand-new, beautiful purple wings and rose from the balcony...
"Twilight!" Spike called. "Wake up, ponies here to see you!"
Twilight groaned and lifted her face from the roll of parchment it was stuck to, then shambled blearily downstairs. As she did so, several of her friends filed into the library, along with the mailpony, Derpy Hooves. "What's up, everypony?" she asked drowsily.
"Oh, goodness...were you asleep?" Fluttershy asked.
"I guess I dozed off transcribing spells," Twilight admitted sheepishly. "I was having the most wonderful dream, too..."
"Was it the one where you turned into an alicorn and became a princess again? Because you really need to get over that," Pinkie said.
"Yeah, Twilight," Spike put in. "It's not like you're just randomly gonna grow wings and—"
Twilight idly bucked Spike into the storybook section. "So, what can I do for everypony?"
Rarity floated the important letter over to Twilight. "Scootaloo has received a very important letter from Canterlot!"
"Really?" Twilight asked. She tilted her head. "Wait, if it's Scootaloo's letter, why isn't she with you?"
"Well, actually, Scootaloo hasn't even seen the letter yet," Fluttershy said. "Derpy lost it at Sugarcube Corner."
"It says the Commissar is coming to Ponyville!" Rarity said.
"And all his funky friends!" Pinkie added.
"The Commissar?!" Twilight gasped. "Oh, this is bad..."
"Who's this Commissar?" Spike asked, tilting his head.
"The Commissar is an investigator from the Cutie Mark Registration Office," Twilight explained, pacing. "Whenever anypony gets a strange or unusual cutie mark, the Commissar is sent to interview that pony. If the Commissar finds cause to suspect there's a problem with the pony's cutie mark, then..." She trailed off, frowning anxiously.
"Then what?" Spike asked.
"Then they're stricken from the registry scrolls," Twilight said, ears flattening.
"And what does that mean?" Spike asked, eyes wide.
"It doesn't really mean anything to a pony's everyday life," Fluttershy said quietly.
"But it's...well...it's sort of a social stigma," Twilight said.
"Ponies have been ostracized for having their cutie marks stricken," Rarity explained. "It's simply the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING! that can happen to anypony."
"And Scootaloo's cutie mark, well..." Fluttershy said, ears drooping.
Twilight sighed. "The Commissar's probably not going to find a cutie mark for farting very..." She shook her head. "We've got to get that letter to Scootaloo right away. She needs to know about the Commissar."
"And all his funky friends!"
* * * * *
The mares found Scootaloo at the Cutie Mark Crusaders Clubhouse with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. Although Scootaloo had her cutie mark now and so was no longer technically a Crusader, she and the other fillies were still good friends, so she could always be found playing with her friends and joining in their insane schemes to discover their cutie marks.
Today, they were apparently trying to earn cutie marks in dancing. "Oh, hey everypony!" Apple Bloom called from where she was doing an exceptionally dorky disco dance. Scootaloo was breakdancing, and Sweetie Belle was doing the robot. "How d'y'all like our dancin'? Sweetie Belle does a mighty good robot!"
"Nevermind that now," Twilight said, passing the letter over to Scootaloo with her magic. "Scootaloo, this letter's just arrived for you from Canterlot. Now, don't be alarmed—"
The Crusaders gathered around to read the letter. "The Commissar? Who's—"
Twilight quickly explained the situation. Scootaloo looked pale and nervous. "—and so," the lavender mare finished, "he's coming to investigate your cutie mark."
"With all his funky friends!"
"Oh my gosh!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed. "Scootaloo, what if...what if this Commissar rejects your cutie mark?"
"This is bad," Apple Bloom said. "Diamond Tiara's already bullying Scootaloo over her fart mark, if this Commissar thing goes wrong, then—"
Scootaloo blew her bangs out of her eyes. "Who cares? I don't need anypony's approval except Rainbow Dash, and she thinks I'm awesome!"
"I don't know if 'awesome' is the right word," Sweetie muttered. "More like 'hilarious'..."
"Hilarious is as good as awesome if it's Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo said. "As for this Commissar and Diamond Tiara and anypony else who disses my cutie mark..." She scrunched up her face and thrust her butt into the air.
Apple Bloom paled. "SCOOTALOO, NOT IN THE CLUBHOU—"
Fluttershy, Rarity, Twilight, Derpy, Pinkie, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle found themselves planted like potatoes in the ground around the ruins of the clubhouse, their tails standing on end and sticking straight up. Scootaloo landed in their midst and laughed sheepishly. "Oops. Sorry about that..."
* * * * *
Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie waited with Scootaloo at the train station on the day the Commissar was due to arrive.
"It'll be okay, Scoots," Dash said. "Don't sweat it."
"Just relax, be honest, don't be afraid, and for the love of Celestia, don't fart," Twilight advised.
"But how will the Commissar and all his funky friends judge Scootaloo's cutie mark if she doesn't use her special talent?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"She has a point," Dash noted. "Besides, I'm sure Scootaloo's new trick will impress this chump!"
"Dash, this isn't a—wait, what new trick?" Twilight asked.
Scootaloo shuffled her hooves. "I...I'm not even sure I can do it again. I only got it to work once..."
"Yeah, but it was AWESOME!" Dash enthused. "I nearly peed myself when she did it, it was so funny!"
"I used to know a pegasus who peed herself when somepony did something funny!" Pinkie said. "Her name was Golden Showers, and—" The train pulled up, and Pinkie broke off. "Oh goodie! The Commissar is here! With all his funky friends!"
A small crowd of ponies disembarked from the train, half of them Ponyvilleans who were returning home from trips. The last passengers off the train were a group of four very eccentric equines.
At the front of the group was a dark grey unicorn mare with a neon orange mane and tail. Her mane was cut in a razor-straight pageboy style that reminded Twilight of a rounded helmet. She wore angular glasses, and her cutie mark was a computer with two floppy drives. Flanking her were a donkey with a scrubby goatee and a large, oily Jheri curl wig, and a white earth pony stallion with a cutie mark of an acoustic guitar; this pony was wearing a black bandit mask, cape, and sombrero cordobés.
Behind these three was a tall, broad-framed unicorn stallion wearing a stiff, high-collared blue jacket with gold corded ties across the breast and intricate brass pins on the collar, and a tall blue half-cylinder hat with a shallow, glossy black brim and a large gold badge attached to the front. His coat was silvery, his tail was deep royal blue streaked with gold, and he had a thick royal blue handlebar mustache and sideburns.
The unicorn mare looked all around. "Alles klar, Herr Commissar."
"Thank you, Amber Glow." The Commissar stepped out from behind his escort and led the group to Scootaloo, whom he fixed with a piercing, stern stare. "You are the recently-marked pegasus filly known as 'Scootaloo', correct?"
Scootaloo nodded up at him, suddenly nervous.
Twilight Sparkle took a step forward. "Herr Commissar," she greeted. "You remember me, right? I'm Twilight Sparkle."
"Ah, yes, the Princess' favorite student," the Commissar said, mustache twitching. "You squealed with childlish glee when I put a gold star sticker next to your cutie mark on the registry scroll."
Everypony snickered at Twilight, who blushed. "Aheh...yes, well. These are my friends Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash."
"Her funky friends!" Pinkie added.
"Pinkie, will you please cut that out?" Twilight hissed. Coughing, she added, "Herr Commissar, I haven't had the pleasure of meeting your entourage."
"Ah, yes, of course. My apologies." The Commissar gestured to each of his companions in turn. "This is Amber Glow, my executive assistant. This is my bodyguard, El Kabong, and this is Samule L. Jackass."
"Ooooh, the famous actor?!" Pinkie gushed. "I didn't recognize you with that funky wig!"
"Don't make a scene," the donkey said. "I don't wanna get mobbed."
"In any case," Amber Glow said, "ve are very busy ponies, zo if we might to be getting on mit zis, ja?"
"Yes, of course," the Commissar said. "Now, Scootaloo, if I might examine your flank, please."
Scootaloo dutifully presented her flank. The Commissar leaned in close, studying her cutie mark. He frowned. "Most bizarre."
"I haff never heard of ein pony findink her special talent is..." Amber Glow wrinkled her nose. "Passing vind."
"No joke?" Samule L. Jackass asked. "You mean this little filly's a grade-A farter? Now this I gotta see."
"I vould rather not a demonstration of this talent," Amber Glow opined.
The Commissar sighed. "No, no. To do a proper evaluation, we MUST..." he grimaced. "Witness the talent of the pony in question."
"Do the new trick, Scootaloo!" Rainbow Dash said.
"Trick?" Samule L. Jackass asked. "This filly can do...fart tricks?"
"I sure can!" Scootaloo boasted. "I've figured out at least thirty different fart tricks since I got my cutie mark!"
The Commissar raised an eyebrow at that. "How...impressive...I suppose..." He coughed. "Very well then. Please...ah...demonstrate."
Twilight facehoofed. "Oh, this is SO not going to end well..."
Scootaloo hunched down. Her entire body quivered with tension. Her tiny wings buzzed frantically. Her face scrunched up in an adorable expression of supreme concentration.
Suddenly, her rump shuddered violently. The train platform shook as a tremendous thunderclap erupted from the little filly's hindquarters. Then, impossibly, several lightning bolts—each an entirely different color—shot out of Scootaloo's butt, crackling as they disappeared into the clear blue sky.
Twilight's eye twitched.
Rainbow Dash cheered, laughing.
Pinkie's mane stood on end.
Amber Glow's jaw dropped. El Kabong just stared. Samule L. Jackass raised an eyebrow.
The Commissar stared at Scootaloo with wide-eyed shock. "I...I've never seen anything LIKE that before," he said. Coughing, he extended a hoof to Amber Glow, who wordlessly passed him a scroll. "Very well...you pass. But you only get a bronze star." He produced a sticker from somewhere and pasted it on the scroll next to Scootaloo's cutie mark. "Congratulations on your...err...special talent." He turned to his entourage. "Come, let us be off."
Scootaloo bounced up and down. "I passed!"
"You sure did!" Rainbow Dash laughed.
As the group returned to Ponyville, Pinkie Pie turned to Twilight, who looked like she was trying very hard not to plant her face in the dirt, and said:
"I told you he had funky friends."
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As the first viewer of this fic, allow me to say; HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHHAHA.
You should read my Farticus one. I was actually pointed out to this fic after writing that one.
moar El Kabong please
"Oooh, the Commissar!" Pinkie Pie said in an impressed tone. "Is he bringing all his funky friends?"
Don't turn around, Pinkie.
Scootaloo is a weapon of mass destruction
if anyone let a fire next to her she a time bomb
Holy crap, I LOVED this story.
You earn a
The Falco and other references were brilliant, as well.
2585080 with all their funky friends!
2643764
2643823 I think a meme is being born... WITH ALL ITS FUNKY FRIENDS!
Allcaps comments demanding updates/sequels will be deleted expeditiously and with prejudice. Repeat offenders will be commentbanned.
I don't think I've ever laughed that hard at a fanfic before... Take my favorite, you definitely deserve it.
2584244
Don't you mean gas destruction?
2925846
*ass destruction.
On another note:
Lost every shit I own here.
I can not be the only one who was thinking that scootaloo no longer has a plot hole after that...I mean owww
of course she does...
th05.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/160/2/3/sweetie_bot_by_zaiyaki-d52tewu.png
Huh.. No moar? :(
I bet that hurt...having lighting come out your butt ...I mean just ow
If this fic is any indication, I'll need to change my name to Golden Showers!
Bonus points for the Jackson reference.
Fillies and gentlecolts, we have a SONIC RAINPOO!
3366085 Hehehehe, thanks for the comments. They made me laugh when I'm in a grouchy mood because I seem to be coming down with something.
XD
Pinkie loves to say 'funky friends' a lot
'Jackass' Who the hell named that pony?
o-o ... XD Must be some pretty insane stuff if PINKIE is surprised...
I love the 'jackass' part
3367386 Samule L. Jackass is a running gag I'll be using as often as possible. He's a donkey, not a pony, and, well, obviously he's a caricature of Samuel L. Jackson. He'll be playing the Mare Wars version of Mace Windu if I ever get around to writing the prequels (or finishing Equisode VI for that matter.)
Oh, and it dismays me that absolutely nobody is getting the "all his funky friends" thing. Am I really the only person on this site who knows the lyrics to "Der Kommissar"?
Thanks for reading and commenting!
3367454 I see a lot of reference was put into this.
And I read when i'm bored [always] Call me a bookworm or egghead, I like it!
The Trans-Equestria Rail Service no longer requires coal or wood. They now employ clean-burning natural gas.
I laughed so HARD at this story!
Have a watch and an upvote. 
3577169 Thanks! Glad you liked it. :)
3954538 My what an interesting username you have.
When are you going to make: apple burp
Samule L. Jackass I lost it at that part!
...This is an absurd subject, well presented. While chapter 2 is a bit more OOC than chapter one, it's just... so ridiculous.
Have a like.
You broke me good sir... I just read Bump Bump sugarlump dump before this so... I'm literally broken right now...
This was funny, if a bit uncouth. Then again, I've always been a great fan of ribaldry. Something jumped out at me while reading this, though;
Is the bolded redundant, or does the character simply have odd speech patterns?
6184406 I believe that's a mistake I didn't catch in editing. Whoops!
Too bad there will never be an apple burp.
Oh, hey. My second most hated fetish.
Ole!!!
*kabong!*
Ah my head!