zargein
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Being a first-time author is fine, welcome to the site. However, there are still some pretty clear and obvious mistakes that should not be too hard for you to catch and correct, as long as you have a desire to improve.
Your story's Long Description isn't a Long Description. It should cover everything the Short Description has, plus the kinks, plus some added details. At the very least, your Long Description shouldn't be shorter than your Short Description.
Using only italics for spoken dialogue is, in short, a horrible idea. Aside from the fact that italics are normally only reserved for inner thoughts, you also put sentences from different characters within the same paragraph (Something that is supposed to be against Fimfic's minimum grammar requirement). In some scenes, this becomes a complete guessing game at who the speaker is. Take this example:
This is pretty bad. It looks like one character should be speaking, yet it quickly becomes apparent that while the audiance was reading this, the speaker switched without them being told. Instead, your dialogue should be put within "quotation marks" and different characters' lines should be placed on different lines. Using the same example, this gives us:
This gives a very clear, not-context-sensitive indicator of who is actually speaking. Yes, this will split many of your larger paragraphs into smaller chunks. Yes, that's a good thing.
Of a 40 what? I think this is something you could catch on your own if you simply read your own chapter to look for errors. As-is, without knowing the unit of measurement, the reader is pretty much left guessing Anon's size.
Pretty much every incorrect and correct variation of "Anon's" is present in this story, which makes me feel like you at least have some idea of how it's supposed to work. However, like the example, "Anon's" is either not capitalized, or is missing the apostrophe, or both. Again, pretty easy to catch if you just reread your own story.
On a non-grammar note, I think you could benefit from telling a little more of the backstory, even if it's just turning that first paragraph into a its own prologue chapter. I can certainly understand wanting to skip to writing the fun fetish part, but trust me when I say that writing only the fetish scenes will become repetetive quickly. You don't need anything fancy, but I think it'll help to add a little extra background and detail for readers to enjoy.
Lastly, even though the storry is currently too new to show ratings, I hope you expect it to get downvoted to shit so you aren't too disappointed. It's a not-so-popular fetish like vore combined with poor English formatting and little else to its name. Just a fair warning.
Pretty good story man, the pacing was good and I can tell you put your heart and soul into it.
A few words of advice though
Any numbers should be spelled out.
For possessive nouns you should add ' so Pinkies becomes Pinkie's. But it's is it is and its is possessive.
The dialogue should be more spaced out. Rule of thumb, if a new character speaks, add a new paragraph.
Those are the only tips I have on the top of my head. This was an excellent story for your first time. I look forward to seeing more.
A little more advice. Don't be discouraged of the dislikes. Stories like this always draw in the troll dislikes. I just actually tip my hat to you I wouldn't have the guts to post a vore story as my first.
11218104
Thank for catching that ill try to improve for the next chapter.
Okay, yeah, that's a big improvement already. Still room for improvement, but nothing as major as last time.
Starting simple, "shur" is actually spelled "sure".
Another one, someone's name should always be Capitalized. Most of the time you do this correctly, but I can spot of a few instances of "anon", "twilight", "rarity", etc.
Next, the fairly common issue of "your" vs "you're", or rather, the complete non-use of "you're", even though in most cases, it's the correct one. They can look similar, but there is a fairly simple way to remember which is which, as long as you remember that "you're" uses an apostrophe because it's short for "you are"
Lastly, dialogue structure, again. Usually this is also correct, but in more than a few cases, it won't be.
That's Spike speaking both of those sentences, right? So you don't need the extra quotation marks between "mind." and "Heck"
This is a sequence between Anon and Twilight, both speaking one after the other. Because two different characters are speaking, this should be split up so that every line has only one speaking character at a time. See the reformatted dialogue below:
You've clearly gotten way better already, more and faster than I expected. Keep up the good work.
Pretty nice chapter again and better, but still room for improvement. Adding to the other guy's comment, with contractions don't forget the apostrophe. So dont is don't
There should be a comma between no and not to make "No, not that"
Mind your spelling, ment should have an a in it to be "meant" and there needs to be a "y" in the're to make they're
Good chapter though
11218106
Any numbers should be spelled out.
I'd like to add a caveat, exceptionally large numbers should be left as digits. Large being how many words it takes to write it out such as more than two or three words. You have to spell it out on a check but that looks terrible in a story.
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Me gustaron las historias
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Good job again. A lot of this now looks like mostly proper English, but it can use a little more polish. Take it as a good sign that, without any major issues to work with, all I have is a collection of small, relatively minor issues to point out now.
First, in general, punctuation within dialogue works just like normal sentences. Meaning, a majority of the time, you'll want any spoken line in quotation marks to end with some form of punctuation. For one example:
The word "alone" should, being the end of Twilight's spoken sentence, end with either a period or a comma. Usually it'll be a comma, so it can flow better into the "Character said" part of the line that often follows dialogue. As far as I'm concerned, a period can work too.
Okay now, have a list of all the typos.
The "his entire" part is given its own line starting after "face first," but they should be on the same line. As in, "face first, his entire"
"encrusted" is probably not a word you want to use here. That usually refers to an actual substance, often either a gross one, or a crusty one. You probably want something like "a buttplug with the image of" instead.
Lastly, as more of a personal preference thing, rather than any actual error, I think you should give the kinky scenes some slower pacing. Having a somewhat fast pace to normal events is fine enough, but kinks are hard to enjoy when the best parts are only a paragraph or two long. I think it'd be very good if next time, you try making the actual vore slower and longer. Usually, pacing in writing is all about the level of detail you put into descriptions. Simply stating one action after another will make for a fairly short read. However, describing every fine, teasing detail, leading your readers by the nose and by the ears to immerse each and all of their five senses as possible, using longer-than-normal words and phrases (but not too long) to add impact and flair to every motion and every delight, will suitably elongate any erotic situation to maximize the audience's enjoyment. You don't necessarily need to go extreme with descriptions, but in my opinion, it's both more fun to read and to write paragraphs with lots of descriptions and details.
11220236
I agree.
A word like adorned, emblazoned, or embellished would work.
Good addition though, I can't wait to see more
11220260
good idea
Oh yeah, and it's tongue/tonguing, not toung, tounge, or tounging. Not sure how I missed that on only the second read through.
Pretty good man. Just be sure to use apostrophe "s" when saying Applejack's, Twilight's, etc.
And sure is "sure" not "shure"
Only gonna downvote this and not even read it
Pretty good story. As for saving, i say yes, but also has her fun. Maybe transforms him into an item or an animal, has fun with him, maybe breast vore before the saving
You should probably put on the Non-Con tag since this is basically a rapefic
could do with more details but all in all, but not bad.
If you plan on more hobbyist writing, I recommend downloading Grammarly. Even the free version would help with a lot of these typos.
11220236
An excellent and comprehensive list.
11346475
Bruh, this was the first thing I ever wrote.. ever! I'm not getting Grammarly because I'm trying to improve on my own.
11346655
That helps, though. You learn what mistakes look like until you spot them on your own.