Okay, yeah, that's a big improvement already. Still room for improvement, but nothing as major as last time.
Starting simple, "shur" is actually spelled "sure".
Another one, someone's name should always be Capitalized. Most of the time you do this correctly, but I can spot of a few instances of "anon", "twilight", "rarity", etc.
Next, the fairly common issue of "your" vs "you're", or rather, the complete non-use of "you're", even though in most cases, it's the correct one. They can look similar, but there is a fairly simple way to remember which is which, as long as you remember that "you're" uses an apostrophe because it's short for "you are"
Any case where using "you are" makes sense will also automatically mean that "you're" is the correct choice. For example: "you are not coming out" makes sense, so "you're not coming out" will too.
If "you are" doesn't make sense, "your" is automatically correct instead. For example, "Rarity didn't enchant you are clothes" doesn't make sense. Anon is assuredly not a pile of clothes. Therefore, "Rarity didn't enchant your clothes" is correct.
Lastly, dialogue structure, again. Usually this is also correct, but in more than a few cases, it won't be.
"Shur I rode Twilight all over the place for years before i got my wings and she never seemed to mind.""Heck sometimes the ponies around here even ride eachother... Dont ask me why."
That's Spike speaking both of those sentences, right? So you don't need the extra quotation marks between "mind." and "Heck"
"Well for the first test I would eat you and then.." "NOPE." Anon stated flatly. "Dont worry I wont keep you in there and if there is any danger I can teleport you out." "NO!" he shouted. "How about for fifty bits?" Twilight asked trying to encourage Anon. "NOPE!, there is no way Im.."
This is a sequence between Anon and Twilight, both speaking one after the other. Because two different characters are speaking, this should be split up so that every line has only one speaking character at a time. See the reformatted dialogue below:
"Well for the first test I would eat you and then.."
"NOPE." Anon stated flatly.
"Dont worry I wont keep you in there and if there is any danger I can teleport you out."
"NO!" he shouted.
"How about for fifty bits?" Twilight asked trying to encourage Anon.
"NOPE!, there is no way Im.."
You've clearly gotten way better already, more and faster than I expected. Keep up the good work.
Pretty nice chapter again and better, but still room for improvement. Adding to the other guy's comment, with contractions don't forget the apostrophe. So dont is don't
Twilight then interupted "No not that I mean how did you make it through her body unscathed?"she asked. "Oh that, I have no idea, guess I just got lucky."Anon stated wondering where she was going with all this. "Well let me take a look at you." Twilight's horn then lit up and Anon found himself enveloped in her magic hovering above the workbench. "No signs of magical protection, and I know rarity didn't enchant your clothes." She then set Anon back down on the workbench. "Tell you what, Ill give you thirty bits to let me run a couple tests on you and if they help me develop this new ward spell im working on Ill give you another thirty." "What kind of tests are we talking about?" He asked not liking where this was going. "Well for the first test I would eat you and then.." "NOPE." Anon stated flatly. "Dont worry I wont keep you in there and if there is any danger I can teleport you out." "NO!" he shouted. "How about for fifty bits?" Twilight asked trying to encourage Anon. "NOPE!, there is no way Im.."
There should be a comma between no and not to make "No, not that"
"Of course the're ponies, the're ment to be ridden."
Mind your spelling, ment should have an a in it to be "meant" and there needs to be a "y" in the're to make they're
Okay, yeah, that's a big improvement already. Still room for improvement, but nothing as major as last time.
Starting simple, "shur" is actually spelled "sure".
Another one, someone's name should always be Capitalized. Most of the time you do this correctly, but I can spot of a few instances of "anon", "twilight", "rarity", etc.
Next, the fairly common issue of "your" vs "you're", or rather, the complete non-use of "you're", even though in most cases, it's the correct one. They can look similar, but there is a fairly simple way to remember which is which, as long as you remember that "you're" uses an apostrophe because it's short for "you are"
Lastly, dialogue structure, again. Usually this is also correct, but in more than a few cases, it won't be.
That's Spike speaking both of those sentences, right? So you don't need the extra quotation marks between "mind." and "Heck"
This is a sequence between Anon and Twilight, both speaking one after the other. Because two different characters are speaking, this should be split up so that every line has only one speaking character at a time. See the reformatted dialogue below:
You've clearly gotten way better already, more and faster than I expected. Keep up the good work.
Pretty nice chapter again and better, but still room for improvement. Adding to the other guy's comment, with contractions don't forget the apostrophe. So dont is don't
There should be a comma between no and not to make "No, not that"
Mind your spelling, ment should have an a in it to be "meant" and there needs to be a "y" in the're to make they're
Good chapter though
Likeπππ
If you plan on more hobbyist writing, I recommend downloading Grammarly. Even the free version would help with a lot of these typos.
11346475
Bruh, this was the first thing I ever wrote.. ever! I'm not getting Grammarly because I'm trying to improve on my own.