Being a first-time author is fine, welcome to the site. However, there are still some pretty clear and obvious mistakes that should not be too hard for you to catch and correct, as long as you have a desire to improve.
Your story's Long Description isn't a Long Description. It should cover everything the Short Description has, plus the kinks, plus some added details. At the very least, your Long Description shouldn't be shorter than your Short Description.
Using only italics for spoken dialogue is, in short, a horrible idea. Aside from the fact that italics are normally only reserved for inner thoughts, you also put sentences from different characters within the same paragraph (Something that is supposed to be against Fimfic's minimum grammar requirement). In some scenes, this becomes a complete guessing game at who the speaker is. Take this example:
Oh thank Celestia, Im not dead. Of course not silly why would you be dead?
This is pretty bad. It looks like one character should be speaking, yet it quickly becomes apparent that while the audiance was reading this, the speaker switched without them being told. Instead, your dialogue should be put within "quotation marks" and different characters' lines should be placed on different lines. Using the same example, this gives us:
"Oh thank Celestia, Im not dead."
"Of course not silly why would you be dead?"
This gives a very clear, not-context-sensitive indicator of who is actually speaking. Yes, this will split many of your larger paragraphs into smaller chunks. Yes, that's a good thing.
However being the size of a 40 made...
Of a 40 what? I think this is something you could catch on your own if you simply read your own chapter to look for errors. As-is, without knowing the unit of measurement, the reader is pretty much left guessing Anon's size.
As anons pants and underwear...
Pretty much every incorrect and correct variation of "Anon's" is present in this story, which makes me feel like you at least have some idea of how it's supposed to work. However, like the example, "Anon's" is either not capitalized, or is missing the apostrophe, or both. Again, pretty easy to catch if you just reread your own story.
On a non-grammar note, I think you could benefit from telling a little more of the backstory, even if it's just turning that first paragraph into a its own prologue chapter. I can certainly understand wanting to skip to writing the fun fetish part, but trust me when I say that writing only the fetish scenes will become repetetive quickly. You don't need anything fancy, but I think it'll help to add a little extra background and detail for readers to enjoy.
Lastly, even though the storry is currently too new to show ratings, I hope you expect it to get downvoted to shit so you aren't too disappointed. It's a not-so-popular fetish like vore combined with poor English formatting and little else to its name. Just a fair warning.
Pretty good story man, the pacing was good and I can tell you put your heart and soul into it.
A few words of advice though
Any numbers should be spelled out.
For possessive nouns you should add ' so Pinkies becomes Pinkie's. But it's is it is and its is possessive.
The dialogue should be more spaced out. Rule of thumb, if a new character speaks, add a new paragraph.
Those are the only tips I have on the top of my head. This was an excellent story for your first time. I look forward to seeing more.
A little more advice. Don't be discouraged of the dislikes. Stories like this always draw in the troll dislikes. I just actually tip my hat to you I wouldn't have the guts to post a vore story as my first.
I'd like to add a caveat, exceptionally large numbers should be left as digits. Large being how many words it takes to write it out such as more than two or three words. You have to spell it out on a check but that looks terrible in a story.
Being a first-time author is fine, welcome to the site. However, there are still some pretty clear and obvious mistakes that should not be too hard for you to catch and correct, as long as you have a desire to improve.
Your story's Long Description isn't a Long Description. It should cover everything the Short Description has, plus the kinks, plus some added details. At the very least, your Long Description shouldn't be shorter than your Short Description.
Using only italics for spoken dialogue is, in short, a horrible idea. Aside from the fact that italics are normally only reserved for inner thoughts, you also put sentences from different characters within the same paragraph (Something that is supposed to be against Fimfic's minimum grammar requirement). In some scenes, this becomes a complete guessing game at who the speaker is. Take this example:
This is pretty bad. It looks like one character should be speaking, yet it quickly becomes apparent that while the audiance was reading this, the speaker switched without them being told. Instead, your dialogue should be put within "quotation marks" and different characters' lines should be placed on different lines. Using the same example, this gives us:
This gives a very clear, not-context-sensitive indicator of who is actually speaking. Yes, this will split many of your larger paragraphs into smaller chunks. Yes, that's a good thing.
Of a 40 what? I think this is something you could catch on your own if you simply read your own chapter to look for errors. As-is, without knowing the unit of measurement, the reader is pretty much left guessing Anon's size.
Pretty much every incorrect and correct variation of "Anon's" is present in this story, which makes me feel like you at least have some idea of how it's supposed to work. However, like the example, "Anon's" is either not capitalized, or is missing the apostrophe, or both. Again, pretty easy to catch if you just reread your own story.
On a non-grammar note, I think you could benefit from telling a little more of the backstory, even if it's just turning that first paragraph into a its own prologue chapter. I can certainly understand wanting to skip to writing the fun fetish part, but trust me when I say that writing only the fetish scenes will become repetetive quickly. You don't need anything fancy, but I think it'll help to add a little extra background and detail for readers to enjoy.
Lastly, even though the storry is currently too new to show ratings, I hope you expect it to get downvoted to shit so you aren't too disappointed. It's a not-so-popular fetish like vore combined with poor English formatting and little else to its name. Just a fair warning.
Pretty good story man, the pacing was good and I can tell you put your heart and soul into it.
A few words of advice though
Any numbers should be spelled out.
For possessive nouns you should add ' so Pinkies becomes Pinkie's. But it's is it is and its is possessive.
The dialogue should be more spaced out. Rule of thumb, if a new character speaks, add a new paragraph.
Those are the only tips I have on the top of my head. This was an excellent story for your first time. I look forward to seeing more.
A little more advice. Don't be discouraged of the dislikes. Stories like this always draw in the troll dislikes. I just actually tip my hat to you I wouldn't have the guts to post a vore story as my first.
11218104
Thank for catching that ill try to improve for the next chapter.
11218106
Any numbers should be spelled out.
I'd like to add a caveat, exceptionally large numbers should be left as digits. Large being how many words it takes to write it out such as more than two or three words. You have to spell it out on a check but that looks terrible in a story.
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