When fluttershy woke up she discovered that she was in a dark room chain up any time she tried to move her hooves the chains got tighter.
"Where are I. Fluttershy said as she felt herself shaking.
"Well hello there fluttershy I'm glad you finally woke up. Rainbow dash said as she walked over to a table.
" Um rainbow where are we and why am I chained up. Fluttershy asked with a little fear in her voice as she continued to shake.
"You are here because you are going to help me make rainbows. Rainbow dash said as she grabbed a shot that has green liquid in it.
" What's that for. Fluttershy asked as she continued to shake.
"Your questions are getting annoying. Rainbow dash said angerly as she started walking towards fluttershy.
Fluttershy" Please rainbow tell me what are you doing.
Fluttershy asked as tears were forming in her eyes.
Rainbow dash smiles evily as she jabbs the shot into fluttershys side.
Fluttershy starts to scream as her insides were burning all at once because of the green liquid.
Rainbow dash smiles evily as she watches fluttershy suffer.
"Please stop. Fluttershy whimperd as tears came rolling down her cheeks.
" Now let's get this started now shall we. Rainbow dash said while walking over to the table.
"Why are you doing this. Fluttershy asked as tears were rolling down her cheeks.
" Why because you dersve it that's why. Rainbow dash shouted.
"What did I ever do to you. Fluttershy asked as tears were rolling down her cheeks.
Rainbow dash laughs evily.
" This will be fun. Rainbow dash said as she picked up the chain saw.
"Please no. Fluttershy said as more tears were rolling down her cheeks.
Rainbow dash turns on the chain saw.
" First we have to get rid of those wings before I can do any damage. Rainbow dash said as she walked over to fluttershy.
"No please. Fluttershy said as more tears were rolling down her cheeks.
Rainbow dash cuts off one of fluttershys wings it falls to the ground.
" Please stop. Fluttershy whimperd as she saw her wing on the ground.
"Now time to get rid of that other wing.
Rainbow dash said picking up the chain saw again.
" Please have mercy. Fluttershy whimperd as rainbow dash started cutting off the second wing.
"There we go now I get get the fun started. Rainbow dash said as she looked at fluttershy.
"Please stop I'm begging you. Fluttershy whimperd as rainbow dash turned on the chain saw again.
Rainbow dash then cut open fluttershys chest.
" Now this is going to be awesome. Rainbow dash said as she grabbed a cup with some green liquid.
"Please stop. Fluttershy whimperd as rainbow dash poured the green liquid inside fluttershys chest.
Fluttershy started screaming bloody murder as the green liquid made fluttershys inside burn nonstop.
Rainbow dash smiled as she saw fluttershy suffer.
Then rainbow dash grabbed a knife and stabbed fluttershy in the heart.
Fluttershys coat turned a lifeless color and fluttershys eyes turned lifeless and fluttershy stopped breathing and stopped crying.
"This was super fun. Rainbow dash said as she smiled evily.
" Let's see who's next. Rainbow dash said as she threw fluttershys dead body in the grinder.
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Oh my fucking god. The summary is so fucking horrible. The shitty sentence structure and complete lack of subtlety actually made me laugh.
It doesn't even start with a goddamn capital letter.
Hiya! Yea, hi. Alright, so, this was a peculiar read indeed.
I don't want to be rude, but I do want to point out where this may have gone... south. As a writer to a fellow writer, I'm only trying to help.
I'm not touching on the story itself, the plot and characters aren't what I wanna mention, maybe some other time. For now, I'm sticking with the grammar and so on in this.
One; try adding things like capital letters at the beginning of every name (Example: Rainbow Dash or Fluttershy. Second, try ending your diologues with an end quotation mark (" - this thingy). And then make sure to add apostrophes (' - this thingy) where needed. (Example: Fluttershy's).
Next, try adding pronouns like She or He or They or any other fitting pronouns. Using the character's name over and over again gets the reader uninteresting and quite tired with the repetition.
Example:
Next, try finding synonyms (other words with the same meaning) to replace something or the other. Repitition is never fun to read and gets quite annoying, quite quickly. There are places where it can be used, and it usually adds a touch of flavour to the story, but here that doesn't apply, and it just comes off as bad writing.
Try adding more paragraphs, give more detail and add more depth to what you're saying. Give the reader some time to process what's happening, and let things flow a bit more smoothly, not abruptly forcing things onto the reader (though that is something a lot of good writers have to go through at one point, so I don't blame you). The stabbing thing should have had an entire para dedicated to it, and Dash's thoughts through it should have been made far clearer than it had been. Don't say something happened, trying adding something to that to make it less bland. Tell us in a more fancier tone, and add some flavour and depth to what you're telling the reader.
There are other things I can touch on, but I don't wanna bore you with all that. If you wish to request any help, hit me up, I'm always down to help. But if not interested, (which is perfectly fine) looking at the above mentioned, and trying to improve off of them, is going to help a lot in the long run - if you're willing to put in the effort, that is. I also wish to go into more detail on the above topic, if you ever want to.
Now I hope none of this comes off as hate, I don't want to say I loved this story or anything, but I don't want you to feel discouraged, as this looks to be your first piece of work. Everyone starts somewhere, alrght? You live and you learn.
Happy day ahead to you!
We don't dersve such good writing