Your Antagonist
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derpy mature... instafav. will read later.
Muffins are indeed evil.
Double rape
None of the fic makes sense.
The ending makes the premise, Luna giving Derpy a concussion, and Derpy's thoughts while eating Luna out, all nonsensical.
There was NO real reason for the stallion involved to be Shining Armor.
Luna and Derpy are basically evil to have forced an infidelity between a loving couple.
Also, this needs a dark tag because Shining Armor was technically raped.
(The sex was hot though, if a lot of repetitious wording and a bit rushed.)
IMO it would have been better if it had Luna knock her out with magic, had this take place well before the wedding or use a generic guard (possibly a "punishment" for the guard who let Derpy slip through), had implied more hesitance on Derpy and the guard's parts (more dubcon), and it would have been funnier if the package was addressed to the guard himself from Derpy and Luna.
1255082
Technically kidnapping and dubcon on Derpy and rape on Shining. Although the ending made Derpy fully consensual... and a rapist.
Gentlemen, I have a WING-BONER
I can't decide whether to hate you for making it seem like Derpy was going to be raped or to applaud you for the genius that is screwing with Shining Armor. But its a good read either way... except for that first part.
gental men may you excuse me fim.413chan.net/fim/src/130214726296-fluttershy-for-ero-g.gif
Grrrrrr..... *cadance
1255148 Yeah, I apologize for the quality of the story, and you're right about it being rushed. I only had two days to do this, and it was kind of requested by one of friends. Normally I'd pick a more sensible pairing, and give myself upwards of at least a week to flow and revise my way through the story, but like I said: time constraints and not really my choice of characters. Still, I apologize. I normally hold myself to a higher standard, and I don't believe this one does my reputation any favors. I'll do better next time.
1257752
Ah well if it was a request fic... But that doesn't mean you can't upgrade it if you want. It's not really the pairing that is the main problem anyway.
Hmm, it's just that I love fetish roleplay as well as the intensity of implied dub or non consensual as long as it turns out to be consensual roleplay in the end.
Also there are too few "serious clop" Derpy/Ditzy fics.
Overall the fic has really high potential, but just the logic and moral issues hold it back.
I would love to see a "director's cut" version with more believability, more fetish roleplay, and a longer clop scene.
Just a suggestion, but the easiest way to solve all the major issues would be to simply swap Luna with Cadance, now that I think about it. Could even be reasoned that Cadance is motivated to get Derpy laid.
I liked this very much, pretty awesome, keep it up!
loved the warning, always love the warnings. seriously, the warnings are the funniest things I've read all day. made me laugh. now for the story. see you tomorrow...
1257794 Hmm... I'll try another serious Derpy fic in the future after I'm done with my short career in indulging my foalcon fetishes, and I'll make sure to keep your pointers in mind. Thanks for your criticism, I will be better.
29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg
Man, if this is mediocre compared to Antagonist's usual content, I better get reading! Cheers, friends!
People should stop taking an obviously non-serious fic so seriously. I mean, this was pure sexy comedy and parody, and nothing more. It is what it is, and for what it is it is very much good. It is silly, sexy, and funny. It put a smile on my face.
I think that this had a lot of potential to turn into a love triangle where Sining Amour eventually leaves Cadence for Derpy
1257752 And yet its rating ratio is still way better than "Refining Coarse Minerals"s. Strange how that goes.
1282825 nay, nay, nay, don't be mistaken, Coarse Minerals was sabotaged from the moment it was posted to the front page. I shit you not, three minutes after it was posted it received an influx of down votes by folks who were offended by it being foalcon
1282854 If the other three ASS stories (sorry, still can't get past that acronym) are any indication, that's about as bad as it will get. None of them have as many downvotes as Coarse Minerals, and they're all far higher in the upvotes, so once again, not feeding the trolls seems to be the way to go. (I also think it's nice that "You're Supposed to Be Quiet..." has the fewest downvotes of them, but that's just the Spikebloom fan in me.
)
YES! muffins are deliciously evil!
And luna and derpy is some of the best stories. I was already hoping they would hook up during this story.
Nice job
1255082>>1257794
Yeah, not what I was expecting, this really does need the dark tag.
lmfao, that ending. XD
This story is nothing but pure genius!
Dat warning
>brain turned to mush
>brain matter slowly leaking out of ears
>starts to smell muffins
>eats muffin
>become zombie
>muffinzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
DERPLUNA FTW!
!
Viking Hooves out
Hmm...
FINALLY! SOMEPONY GETS IT!
Man that shit was fucking hawt!
I don't know why, but I laughed hard at this.
Also for some reason, my mind conjured up an image of Luna screaming "MORE CONVICTION!" like Peter O' Toole in Caligula.
This is the most adorable cover art I've ever seen.
Couple of issues you might want to address
Duplicated words, there. The second also seems to be missing a word.
Missing punctuation at the end of these.
Aside from those minor issues, this was pretty good. Kinda felt bad for Derpy there, but apparently she was alright with it, so now I just feel kinda bad for Shining. Of course, this was a comedy, not a soap opera, so it's all cool. Pretty funny, pretty hot, and all around pretty good.
good read
Dat ending was amazing!