Hi, my name is Heroic412227, but you can call me Heroic. I'm still learning how to be the best writer I can be.
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This story is a sequel to Day-to-Day Shopping
After one of Sid's "contraptions" sends both him and Twilight off to the middle of nowhere, they both embark on a long, exhausting, tension-filled, and humorous journey filled with twists and turns to return back to Ponyville without magic or technology.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Mane Six and Sid's minions have to work together to reverse-engineer the contraption in order to bring the two back.
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Nice job! The story was fun, with a nice Disney-like atmosphere, with some good drama once Sid got upset. Grammar was good, outside of some stray capitalizations after the ends of quotes.
10864002
Thanks.
This was a good effort. A simple, but effective story. I admit I was unfamiliar with your OC, but it didn't make things too hard to follow.
I think the story just has a problem of tone. I see that it tries to balance humour and drama, but I think it's a bit lacking in jokes, and the dramatic moments are a bit forced, maybe? It's like the characters are acting in a way to make the story "dramatic", but they aren't very motivated. Overall, it felt a bit dry, but it's not a bad effort at all.
Alright, I'd recommend that you put a little tag at the beginning of your story's blurb that says, "This story is the sequel to Day to Day Shopping" because this was really confusing to come into without any context! While it's not directly continuing from DtDS, it is definitely part of the same story.
Now, as for the story itself... I have to admit, I enjoyed the part where Sid almost word for word quotes Doofenschmirtz. Also, Sid realizing he actually likes the main six was a nice touch and (probably) something character arc-ish. Whatever the "appointment" thing is, I appreciate that it got set up before whenever it's actually going to happen.
I'm not a terribly big fan of the mane 6 in this fic, just because I feel like they're underutilized. I mean, Fluttershy doesn't even show up, and the rest get just a couple lines as they do whatever it is that Sid's henchmen tell them to.
Regardless, the story reads pretty clearly (aside from a few instances where lines come without said tags), and seem put together. I would recommend toning down the thesaurus use though.
Before I go, I just wanna talk about your author's note. Please, do not apologize for your story. If you think it's so bad that you have to say "Sorry, this story kind of isn't good," then why are you posting it? It's clear you put a lot of hard work into this thing; you tried your best! Don't let your own self doubt disincentivize other people from reading your stuff!
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10865972
Thank you for reading my fic.
10866052
I just wanna reiterate what Merallakos said: don't apologise. If the story has "melodrama" and "unpleasantness", it's because that's you felt the story needs. Besides, reading your story was not at all unpleasant. Don't worry about it.
10866012
Also, what about Twilight? She's the one whose been with Sid throughout this whole fic.
10865972
Also, what do you mean by lacking in jokes? And the motivation for the drama is Sid himself. How do I make the drama less dry, though?
10866505
Keep in mind that jokes and humour are not an objective thing. Personal taste can vary a lot, and what can look like enough humour for some might be lacking for some others, and excessive for other others. But I think many moments in the story could be made lighter and more dynamic by delivering a punchline, like when Sid gets zapped in the fence, and when the rest of the group is trying to put the machine back together. Just read stories that make you laugh, and look at how the gags are constructed.
Also, when I talk about motivation, it's a little more complex than that. Yes, Sid's actions are what drives the story forward, but certain things the characters do seem like they come out of nowhere. Example: just after the scene with the fence, Twilight gets hurt by what Sid says, but, to me, I don't think she'd be that thin skinned to be so hurt; she'd have a more "buzz off" demeanour, maybe get annoyed, but not run off crying; unless she has a deeper, more emotional relationship with Sid which was shown in prior stories. The story suggests that they're "frenemies", and that kinda confirms that her reaction is a bit over the top. I know you have to create drama, but, sometimes, that's actually harder than it seems at first. (I speak from personal experience)
10867943
Thanks. One more thing. Do you think Sid deserves all the abuse and punishment he got throughout the story because of his behavior and actions?
Reviewed as Requested: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/955135/story-reviews-2
Its pretty nice I think.
Was Spike there too?
10893476
I'm not sure.
Buahaha! Behold my almighty power that shall destroy your story! JK. Here's a review.
Review here.