A Long Journey Ahead
Today was a nice, snowy day in the Frozen North. Sid was screwing a knob on a large, gray machine that had a large antenna protruding from the front. Meanwhile, both Tinker and Tin stood behind, watching their boss, creator, and friend work tirelessly on his latest contraption.
“Ugh! I can’t believe I’ve spent all this manual labor on my latest contraption when I should be getting ready for a very important appointment later.” Sid complained.
“Can we help you, boss?” Tin asked.
“I’d love to let you guys do that. Really, I do, but I’ve almost got this done and I don’t intend to delay my progress right now. Sorry about that.”
Tin sighed while Tinker patted him on the back.
“Almost got it…” But just when Sid was about to finish, a purple and cyan flash of light popped out, revealing Twilight and her friends as they all crouched before him with stern glares in their eyes. “Oh, it’s you guys.”
“What? That’s it?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“Yeah, no time for a trap today. Nothing personal. You see, I’ve got a very important appointment later, so I need to take over the planet by 4:30. Which doesn’t give me much time for all the trapping and the fighting and the what-not.”
“Oh... Well, we’re never gonna let you do that! Even with that new invention!” Twilight said.
“Hmm…? O-oh, that! That’s just my ‘Send-You-To-The-Desert’ Contraption. It’s not going to help me take over the planet, though. It’s just going to send you guys to the desert, so that I can go on with my day. Possibly temporarily.”
Quick as a flash, Sid pressed the red button on the controller, causing the contraption to rotate itself towards the group and shoot a green laser at them. They tried to scatter away from it, but it kept pointing and shooting at them.
“I should’ve known better than to install that Mane-Six-Tracker before I--!”
But his sentence was soon interrupted when Twilight flew in front of him, prompting the invention to shoot both of them at the same time and transporting them away.
“Twilight!”
“Sid!”
“Oh, great! Now I’m in the middle of nowhere!”
“Well, maybe you should’ve thought of that before making that contraption in the first place!” Twilight shouted.
“Yeah, not one of my best ideas, but still. Now I’ll never be able to take over the planet before… my appointment.” Sid gasped.
Twilight was about to light up her horn, but Sid stopped her. “Wait, d-don’t leave me here! Please, this appointment is very important to me! And if this works, then I might give up evil completely! Don’t you want that?! A chance that’ll finally send me down the path of good forever?!”
Twilight sighed. “Fine.”
“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!”
“Okay, now hold on!” Her magic glitched as she tried to light it up again. “Huh?” She tried to make it work, but to no avail. “What just happened?”
“Oh… sorry for not telling you guys this, but my contraption has an ability-proof setting. Meaning that once you’re hit by it, it temporarily renders your abilities useless, including your magic and our flight.”
“What?!” Twilight yelled. “For how long?!”
“I dunno. Maybe a couple of hours at most.” Sid chuckled nervously.
“You mean to tell me that we’re stuck here for a couple of hours!”
“I said I was sorry, alright?! And besides, I’m sure the others are working hard enough to reverse the effects until then!”
Twilight face-hoofed. “Ugh! Well then, I guess we’re just gonna have to walk our way back home until then.”
“That’s fine by me!”
“Oh, this is bad! This is very bad!” Tinker panicked.
“This is all Sid’s fault!” Rainbow Dash shouted. “If he hadn't made that thing in the first place, none of this would’ve happened!”
“I agree with Rainbow Dash on that one.” Rarity chimed. “That Sid doesn’t even deserve to call himself a scientist, let alone an ‘evil’ one.”
“How dare you insult the boss like--!”
“Guys! We can blame Sid later. Right now, we need to find a way to rework his machine so we can get Twilight back.” Applejack said.
“And the boss! Don’t forget the boss!” Tin added.
“And your boss, too.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Now, where to start?”
“Well, we could use the blueprints for each of his contraptions that he left behind. C’mon, we’ll show you.”
Tinker and Tin walked through the lab while the others followed close behind. Tin eased open a large door that had a whole pile of blueprints falling from behind.
Tin chuckled nervously. “Did we forget to mention that Sid loves to make blueprints?”
Applejack sighed. “Then we better start lookin’ for the right blueprint for the… whatever its name is.”
And with that, everyone searched through the pile for the correct blueprint. This seemed like a gruesome journey, but they still kept a determined head anyway.
Back at the desert, Twilight and Sid kept walking down the straight, sandy path on their way back home. The heat from Celestia’s hot sun was enough to make them sweat up a storm, but they continued walking regardless. Things seemed silent for a while, but Sid, being the pest that he is, tried to open his mouth to fill up the silence.
“Unless it’s about something that could help us get back home, I don’t want to hear it.”
Sid quickly shut his mouth and dropped his arms in dejection. That feeling soon passed when his eyes soon spotted something. “Oh, oh, I think I have an idea on how to get back!” Sid ran in front of the fenced gate of a huge junkyard.
“Maybe we can use this pair of wheels and axle to help us roll our way back home! C’mon, help me climb up this fence!”
“Uh… no.”
“No? What do you mean ‘No’?!”
“Look at the sign.” Twilight pointed her hoof at the huge sign that read ‘No Trespassing’ on it in big red letters.
“Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding. You know what? I’ve finally realized something that I should’ve thought of a long time ago. Why I didn’t tell you all back then, I’m not sure. I just realized that the thing that’s been keeping me from succeeding this whole time isn’t that horrible accident that took away some of my morality and sanity, it isn’t my second, secret side job as a tax collector, it isn’t even that time that I got my foot caught between those two boulders over there, which is now healed thanks to said accident, see?” He explained, knocking on his leg.
“Then, what is it?!”
“It’s you and your friends!”
Twilight pulled back in shock before glowering at Sid with gritted teeth. “Excuse me, what?!”
“You heard me! You guys are what’s been holding me back this whole time!”
“W-well, then. Since it’s our fault that we’ve got you into this mess, why don’t you just go ahead and fix it yourself?!”
“Fine, then! And if this succeeds, then it will prove to you and the others that you are all the source of all my failures!”
“Be my guest!” Twilight pointed her hoof at the fence, letting Sid go on with his plan.
Sid tried to climb up the fence, but the heat from the metal made his hands burn up, causing him to yelp in pain and fall down.
“How’d that go?” Twilight mocked.
“I’m not done yet.” And so, with a deep breath, Sid climbed up the fence once more, completely ignoring the blisters in his hands. “Almost there, and… made it. Now all I have to do is-”
A zap of electricity went off, causing Sid to yowl and Twilight to cringe.
Back at the Frozen North, the group grabbed some tools and got to work. Rewiring and dismantling the ‘Send-You-To-The-Desert’ contraption while Tinker scanned his robotic eyes through the correct blueprint.
“Okay. First, we gotta carefully take out the configuration disc and reconnect it into the--”
“Uh… In ponish, please?!” Rainbow Dash said.
“Fine. Carefully take out the round, flat, shiny object and place it in the slot.”
Pinkie Pie soon dove inside the machine and dug her way through some nuts and bolts, causing Tinker’s jaw plate to drop. “Ooo! I think I found something!” She then steadily took out the disc. Why Sid would add a disc there is anyone’s guess. “Is this it?”
“Actually, yes. Now find the slot and place it in.”
“Hmm…” Pinkie stretched her head and foreleg in, out, and around the machine until she spotted a flat, rectangular hole that looked like the right size for the disc. Beaming to herself at how quickly she found it, she cautiously put it in and watched a small, green bulb light up.
“I got it in!”
“Good. Now, all we need is to-”
“Ugh! This is taking forever! We need to hurry up if we want to save them… mostly Twilight.”
“If we want to save them, we need to follow these blueprints perfectly in order to reverse-engineer it, okay?!”
“Fine.”
“Um… Sorry to interrupt, but where does this piece go?” Fluttershy held up a cylinder tube with a gear around it.
“That goes in the empty spot between two large gears from where you are.”
“Thanks.”
"Okay, okay, I guess I deserve that, but did you really have to let me go through all those bear traps?" Sid complained.
"Well, I never would've done it if you hadn't blamed me and my friends for your own failures!" Twilight shouted. "Ugh! You know what I think?! I think we should've just sent you to Tartarus a long time ago!"
"Oh yeah?! Well, if that's the case, then you can find your own way back home! I'm going it alone! And I don't care if I ever see you again, you jerk!"
That comment was the final straw for the purple alicorn princess. So much that her eyes were getting so wet to the point where she couldn't help but unleash a whole river of tears. This is where Sid's eyes widened as he quickly took notice of what he started and tried to reach out to her. But she galloped away and hid behind a large rock to sob.
"Twilight, I--"
"Just go away and leave me alone."
Sid dropped his arms and trudged away as his antennae drooped. Despite all the times he tried to temporarily defeat them, he, deep down, thought of them as more frenemies than true enemies and his only true friends, besides Tinker and Tin, that he slowly grew to care for, albeit in his own weird way. Seeing himself hurt at least one of them emotionally made him realize how much of a monster he became that he didn't want to be, but was forced to due to the horrible, corrupting accident that took over some of his mind and heart for a long time. What is wrong with him?
Luckily, that same incident wasn't going on for the others as they were still toiling with his machine in order to reverse-engineer it. Tinker was still reading the blueprints while Tin and the others put some of the previously dismantled parts back together.
"I hope this works, Tinker," Fluttershy said. "I'm really worried about Twilight."
"I'm worried about Sid," Tin added. "What if we can't save them?"
"Don't ever say that, alright?" Applejack bade. "We'll save them no matter what."
"Applejack's right," Tinker chimed. "Besides, we're almost done with this contraption. We just need a few more parts like... the small ball to the antenna and a few nuts and bolts."
"You mean like these?" Pinkie Pie held up a small, green ball and some grey nuts and bolts in her mane and tail.
"Yes. Perfect. Now put them all in each of their respective places."
Which Pinkie Pie quickly did. Now, after closing the hatch, they all stepped back and gazed at the now finished invention.
"Great! Now all we need is the remote to turn it on. Has anyone seen the remote?" Tinker asked.
"I thought Sid had it with him." Tin answered.
"No, I saw him drop it somewhere before he and Twilight got zapped. I just don't know where."
"You mean we have to search the entire lab in order to find it?! Oh, c'mon!" Rainbow Dash complained.
Applejack sighed. "Well, we better start looking if we're gonna save them. Let's get to it!"
And with that, the group spread out of the room in search of the remote.
Back to the vacant desert, where a western pony dashed through the road while carrying a cart full of goods. The pony was busy humming a tune to himself. Unbeknownst to him, the cart's wheels soon ran over something big while he was humming, causing him to skid to a halt.
"Huh?" The pony turned around to see that what he accidentally hit was none other than a groaning Sid laying on the middle of the road while his body was completely covered with wheel marks.
"Ow...! About time."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, it's fine."
"So... what're you doin' layin' around here? Don't you have somewhere to be?"
"Well, I need to get to Ponyville for an appointment, but--"
"Oh... mind if I take you there?"
"No thanks. I don't care about that anymore. Just run me over again, or leave me here for other carts to hit me 'cause that's what I want right now."
"Why?"
"Why?! All I ever do is ruin others and cause trouble! That's all I ever do! It's all my fault!"
"Hey, don't say that. I'm sure you've done somethings right."
"No, I haven't. It's always been my fault. I deserve to be stranded here forever! I'm more than just a failure. I'm a monster. I'm a no-good monster!" Sid started crying as he curled himself up on the road. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
The pony chuckled nervously before slowly backing away in discomfort. Now, Sid was all alone, crying and sobbing while repeating his 'I'm sorry' mantra to himself. Suddenly, a large shadow loomed over him, causing him to cease his bawling and gaze at what or who it is.
From what he saw, a tall silhouette with spread-out wings and a pointy horn stood over him. With its head completely blocking the sun.
"Twilight? Is that you?"
The silhouette soon cleared itself to reveal that it was Twilight, seemingly with a stern frown on her face.
"Oh. Look, if you're here to tell me that you're ready to go back home now, just go ahead and leave me here. I don't deserve to go with you." Sid went back to curling up when Twilight extended her hoof out to him.
"Huh? Why? How could you-? Haven't I caused you enough pain and-?"
"Just grab it," Twilight said.
Sid contemplated for a bit before taking her hoof and getting up from the road.
"Oh, Twilight. You're an angel. I know I can be irritating and unpleasant. And I know that I tend to go on and on and-"
"Sid...? That's enough."
"Right. I'm sorry." Sid sighed.
"Look, let's just find our way back home, okay?"
"Okay."
Right behind them was the cart pony who shed some tears after watching the duo's reconciliation. He soon sniffed and wiped his eyes as they both glanced at each other.
"Sorry. It's just that I love seein' friends get back together after a fight, especially friends of the Princess of Friendship."
"Uh... we're not exactly friends, per say," They both said.
"Oh, well, anyways. I've still gotta transport these goods to the countryside and I was wonderin' if you two could use a ride back home along the way."
"A ride? Oh, don't mind if we-" But Sid's sentence was soon interrupted when Twilight's horn started glowing again, causing both of them to pull back and her wings to start fluttering again.
"Wow. Looks like those couple of hours are up." Sid said.
"Yeah. Thanks for the offer, but we won't need it now that I have my magic back."
"Oh, it's okay. Well, see ya'll around, pardners." And with that, the western pony dashed off with his cart while both Twilight and Sid grabbed each other together.
"Okay, now hang on!" Both of them disappeared in a purple flash.
Meanwhile, the lab was filled with flipped furniture, broken glasses, and destroyed equipment, but Pinkie Pie soon popped her head out of the bottom of the couch with a huge smile on her face.
"I've found something!"
"Is it the remote?" Applejack asked.
"You got it!"
"Finally!" Rainbow Dash sighed.
"Now all we have to do is press the button and we'll be able to-"
Suddenly, the same flash of light came into the lab as the duo reappeared in front of them.
"Or... maybe not," Fluttershy said.
"Twilight!" The rest of the heroes dashed over to their friend with tears in their eyes as they all wrapped their forelegs around her in a big hug.
"I've missed you guys so much!"
"Boss!" Tinker and Tin did the same, but with oil instead of tears while Sid softly hugged them back.
"My word, darling! What happened?!" Rarity asked.
"Did Sid do anything bad to you?!" Rainbow Dash added.
"And why does he have tire marks on his chest?!" Fluttershy continued.
Twilight sighed. "It's a long story. Don't worry, I'm fine. Let's just go back to Ponyville so we can give him some space, okay?"
"Uh... Okay?" Rainbow Dash flew with the others as they left the lab and shut the door behind them.
"So, Sid? Are you ready to go back to-?"
"Actually, no, Tin. I'm kinda taking a very long break from doing that," Sid replied. He then checked his watch and jerked his eyes. "Wow! I've still got more time before my appointment. So, let's get this place cleaned up. How you guys made such a mess in here is not what's on my mind right now."
And so, Sid limped through the lab while shrieking at the pain of the marks on his body. After everything that's happened lately, it looks like he's finally starting to renounce his evil ways, but not completely, though.
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Nice job! The story was fun, with a nice Disney-like atmosphere, with some good drama once Sid got upset. Grammar was good, outside of some stray capitalizations after the ends of quotes.
10864002
Thanks.
This was a good effort. A simple, but effective story. I admit I was unfamiliar with your OC, but it didn't make things too hard to follow.
I think the story just has a problem of tone. I see that it tries to balance humour and drama, but I think it's a bit lacking in jokes, and the dramatic moments are a bit forced, maybe? It's like the characters are acting in a way to make the story "dramatic", but they aren't very motivated. Overall, it felt a bit dry, but it's not a bad effort at all.
Alright, I'd recommend that you put a little tag at the beginning of your story's blurb that says, "This story is the sequel to Day to Day Shopping" because this was really confusing to come into without any context! While it's not directly continuing from DtDS, it is definitely part of the same story.
Now, as for the story itself... I have to admit, I enjoyed the part where Sid almost word for word quotes Doofenschmirtz. Also, Sid realizing he actually likes the main six was a nice touch and (probably) something character arc-ish. Whatever the "appointment" thing is, I appreciate that it got set up before whenever it's actually going to happen.
I'm not a terribly big fan of the mane 6 in this fic, just because I feel like they're underutilized. I mean, Fluttershy doesn't even show up, and the rest get just a couple lines as they do whatever it is that Sid's henchmen tell them to.
Regardless, the story reads pretty clearly (aside from a few instances where lines come without said tags), and seem put together. I would recommend toning down the thesaurus use though.
Before I go, I just wanna talk about your author's note. Please, do not apologize for your story. If you think it's so bad that you have to say "Sorry, this story kind of isn't good," then why are you posting it? It's clear you put a lot of hard work into this thing; you tried your best! Don't let your own self doubt disincentivize other people from reading your stuff!
10866012
10865972
Thank you for reading my fic.
10866052
I just wanna reiterate what Merallakos said: don't apologise. If the story has "melodrama" and "unpleasantness", it's because that's you felt the story needs. Besides, reading your story was not at all unpleasant. Don't worry about it.
10866012
Also, what about Twilight? She's the one whose been with Sid throughout this whole fic.
10865972
Also, what do you mean by lacking in jokes? And the motivation for the drama is Sid himself. How do I make the drama less dry, though?
10866505
Keep in mind that jokes and humour are not an objective thing. Personal taste can vary a lot, and what can look like enough humour for some might be lacking for some others, and excessive for other others. But I think many moments in the story could be made lighter and more dynamic by delivering a punchline, like when Sid gets zapped in the fence, and when the rest of the group is trying to put the machine back together. Just read stories that make you laugh, and look at how the gags are constructed.
Also, when I talk about motivation, it's a little more complex than that. Yes, Sid's actions are what drives the story forward, but certain things the characters do seem like they come out of nowhere. Example: just after the scene with the fence, Twilight gets hurt by what Sid says, but, to me, I don't think she'd be that thin skinned to be so hurt; she'd have a more "buzz off" demeanour, maybe get annoyed, but not run off crying; unless she has a deeper, more emotional relationship with Sid which was shown in prior stories. The story suggests that they're "frenemies", and that kinda confirms that her reaction is a bit over the top. I know you have to create drama, but, sometimes, that's actually harder than it seems at first. (I speak from personal experience)
10867943
Thanks. One more thing. Do you think Sid deserves all the abuse and punishment he got throughout the story because of his behavior and actions?
Reviewed as Requested: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/955135/story-reviews-2
Its pretty nice I think.
Was Spike there too?
10893476
I'm not sure.
Buahaha! Behold my almighty power that shall destroy your story! JK. Here's a review.
Review here.