Mindscapers

Pinkie Pie has been infected by a strange flower that’s messing with her head. Her friends must journey into her brain to figure out what’s going on and put a stop to it once and for all.

Can the group save their friend before it’s too late?

Proofreader: Pseudobob Delightus

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 16 )

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Dr Freaky

Dr Freaky #1 · Feb 26th, 2022 · 3 · ·

It was alright and definitely not bad, but I am not the best when it comes to writing advice. It felt like it was a bigger story premise then the story length would allow but I am sure that you could pull it off if you tweaked it a bit.

Solid Punch

Solid Punch #2 · Feb 27th, 2022 · 2 · ·

Idea was good, but realization is kinda meh. Not bad, not good, not much. I think it needs more plot and shenanigans. And length.

Soft Shake

Soft Shake #3 · Apr 5th, 2022 · 2 · ·

I agree with Solid Punch and Dr Freaky. It's alright and the premise is great, it just seems a little hollow. I think maybe what it needs is some extra personality in the narration, or entertaining banter between the characters, that sort of thing. If you're looking for advice I think I'd say that you should try and be more confident and self-indulgent in your writing, have a little more fun with it.

Flora Blossom

Flora Blossom #4 · May 31st, 2022 · 2 · ·

Not sure if I should be amazed. But I am now. Sure it was a bit short but that's what one shots are. :3 Short and not long... Well, at least this person did improved a lot while I was playing reviews all day long. :3

PioneerofImagination

PioneerofImagination #5 · Jun 3rd, 2022 · 2 · ·

This certainly wasn’t normal, even for Pinkie Pie!

And that's saying a lot.

I'm… exhausted…" Rainbow Dash muttered.

That's a first.

Heroic412227

Heroic412227 #6 · Jun 3rd, 2022 · 1 · ·

11202845
Thanks, but I don't know exactly how to do that, though. Can you help me?

Soft Shake

Soft Shake #7 · Jun 4th, 2022 · 2 · ·

11261187
Happy to try, but I'm still a learning writer myself so take my advice with a grain of salt! (I know you probably mean help in general for future writing, but I'm still going to focus on this fic as an example because that's easier with the intention to help in the long run)

So for this story the character stuff is there at least a bit, but there could've been more. Maybe it would have benefited from throwing in something a bit more unexpected. For example, Rainbow Dash is super determined and impulsive here like we know her to be, Fluttershy is overwhelmed because of course she would be, Pinkie's mind is littered with sweets and weirdness as expected and so on, but there's nothing really memorable about it because its all stuff we already know and generally agree upon about the characters.

Now that doesn't mean you should actively stray from the canon or anything, but its better to use it as a starting point rather than a destination. Perhaps delve into your personal interpretation of the characters (particularly the characters you want to focus on like in this case Pinkie Pie) a bit more. Something that is somewhat unique to you. Interpret-able from the prompt (the show), but not universal. (I would give examples but I've tried and realized I get too carried away with them and worry it would confuse my point.)

Otherwise, reading it again, I think for the "extra personality in the narration" I was talking about maybe it would help to narrow down your tone. Like for example, the genres "adventure" and "random" are indeed genres in their own right but they don't really say anything about tone. For instance, is the aim to be mostly comedic and silly or more dramatic, action-packed? I couldn't really pinpoint that while reading it. So I guess my advice for that would be to decide and stick to your tone and write with that in mind. (Even if its multiple, it helps to have control over specifically which scenes are what vibe.) In the same vein, know what you want your readers to feel while reading it. That'll always help with voice and lasting impression.

But the best advice I can give you for finding a voice, tone, and just anything involving writing at all (which you've probably heard before), is to read good stuff. All the advice in the world will never beat learning by example when it comes to writing. So just read a whole lot of good stuff, and keep writing of course. Even if you're not actively trying to get better, your writing will probably still improve the more you read.

Hope this helps! (Also hope this is what you meant by help!) Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk more writing words cuz I love doing so!