• Member Since 18th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 8th, 2012

Larmina872


I love writing stories about MLP and reading them. I promise my stories are clean and a little cheesy. I like sad stories that make you cry :).

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Fira, a farm pony that lives with her 'brother and sister', Venus and Midnight Cloud, is attacked by a old enemy that wasn't exactly gone. The curse that sits on her head makes her a friend and an enemy. First, will the other ponies trust her? And will she be able to make sure that Equestria is safe? You'll see when you read Hidden, the first book of the Hidden Chronicles!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 2 )

Time for a review! :pinkiehappy:

1) The correct spelling is "Prologue." You'd be surprised how many people will just skip this over or thumbs down for that one spelling error. Which is a shame, because the writing itself looks pretty solid.

2) Wall of text. You should put an extra space between each paragraph or indent the beginning of each paragraph. Bonus points for doing both. Otherwise, your story will be visually unappealing, and again, some people will skip it over or thumb it down for that.

3) Okay, this is supposed to be the end of her story. But then why is this called a prologue? More importantly, why is the climax in the prologue? What do we have to look forward to at the end now? While the action is interesting, the audience has no connection to the characters involved, at least not the one who seems to be doing all the work. On top of that, you end up having to just tell us about all the problems of Fira's life, which is nowhere near as interesting as seeing them happen. And aren't you going to show us all those trials and problems anyway? Kudos for trying something different, but it doesn't quite work for me.

4) Your character. Oh boy... alicorn princess, daughter of Shining and Cadance, and by extension related to Celestia, Luna, and Twilight, and apparently 'in' with all of Twilight's friends. On top of all that, she is also so powerful that she can cast a spell that effective strips all changelings everywhere of their powers, including Queen Chrysalis (who can even beat Celestia on a good day), while simultaneously banishing them from Equestria forever. With a broken horn. Oh, and she also has a crazy name, though it kind of fits considering who her mother is. Sorry, but this character reeks of Sue-ness. If you want to build her up to being so ridiculously over-powered, I might be interested. It looks like you're going to do that anyway. But presenting her like this at the very beginning is going to turn so many people off to your story.

5) I wouldn't call Chrysalis an alicorn, even though she does have wings and a horn. I consider alicorns to be a race of ponies and the changelings to be a different species entirely. Maybe that's just my opinion.

6) I noticed a few grammar and spelling errors, but nothing major. You can never proofread enough, I suppose.

Well, that's it for now. Hope it helps! :twilightsmile:

-EDIT-
7) Using a pic from a generator turns people off, too. I don't really know why, except that generator pics are generally associated with poor writing.

Thanks for pointing that out! I'm only starting 5th grade, so I basically can't write well :derpytongue2:. I planned on telling some of the ending, and then showing how she grew up in the rest of the chapters, you see? I'm not even close with done on the ending. Wait a few days and let me do the first few chapters. :scootangel:
On the grammar mistakes.... :twilightblush: Sorry!

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