Jubilee is a sweet pony, even though she comes from a wealthy family in Canterlot. When she is sent to Ponyville to prepare the festival for Nightmare Night, she gains friends, and maybe even more than that. As she gets used to Ponyville, she finds that an evil mare, Sweet Nightmare, has taken 12 mares from Canterlot and plan to steal their youth with her magic. When Jubilee has lost all hope of love, will she be able to save the mares? Or will she have to make a choice to save herself, or the happiness of Equestria? Does she win over her love and save the mares? Or will she perish, leaving the rest of Equestria in distrought and distruction?
Chapters (2)
Word of advice: Don't sum up the entire plot in the summary. As it is right now, I know everything that happens and therefore have no interest to read it. It also isn't a very interesting summary either.
I would suggest shortening it and make it more mysterious. You want to people to wonder what's going to happen. Basically sum up that Jubilee is coming, her crush falls for someone else, and twelve mares get captured and need to be rescued. Leave the rest out, which means everyone will wonder: Do they save the twelve mares? Does Jubilee get the guy? What else will happen?
Other than that it sounds like an interesting premise.
Not a bad story! Some room for improvement, but I enjoyed most of it
Ordinarily, I would say that Princess Luna would be OOC if she was friends with a regular pony, but you seemed to have pulled it off quite well. Many congratulations for piquing my interest! A few things I picked up on, though:
'Trixy' should be 'Trixie'
'street called Sugarcube Corner.' Sugarcube Corner is the shop, silly!
'Halloween' is called 'Nightmare Night' in Equestria, and you might want to watch MLP: Luna Eclipsed if you haven't already.
Keep up the good work!
1109289 Oh, and that. It kinda kills the story if you give away the plot in the synopsis.
Well since I just read the summary I don't need to read the story since you basically just gave away everything that was going to happen. Leave some kind ofcliffhanger thing to make people want to find out what's going to happen next.
Thanks you guys! This is my first story, and I was a bit confused. I thought the big description was going to the mods so they would approve it. Thanks so much. I have another story coming out too, its about Princess Starshine, Luna and Celestia's younger sister.