Hidden, Book 1

by Larmina872

Prologue

Hidden
Book 1

Prologue
I screamed as my horn was broken off of my body. Queen Crysalis dropped me on the hard stone, flying down to me. "Fira, you can't beat me. Equestria is mine forever!" The Changling Queen shouted to her army.
With wobbly kness, I stood up, wincing at my headache from losing my horn. "No. You are not winning. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are the leaders of Equestria. You won't ever win, not while i'm here!" I screamed, a sudden power surging from my tail to my hooves and then back up to my head. My broken horn glowed orange, and I glanced at Venus and Twilight. "Help me.." I said weakly as my strength grew slowly, and Queen Crysalis charged her own magic at me.

The purple and green mares charged forward by my side, both of them knowing that I had only seconds before Crysalis vaporized me, unless I got to her first. They used their magic to make a large energy blast that they sent at Crysalis to slow her down. My magic was still charging, the pain searing through my head growing. I tried to ignore it, but the pain was just to
much. "This will have to do.." I thought to myself, wincing as I sent the blast of orange energy at Crysalis, and the courtyard turning as bright as the sun.

As I stood up, I saw Crysalis across the floor, whimpering in pain. I almost felt sorry for her. Almost. I had a grim look on my face as I dragged my body over to the black Changling. But she was no longer a changling with wings. Her wings and horns were crumbling off, as if she was a stale cookie that had been thrown away and was now decaying.

"No, no no! Princess Fira, you will never win! I'll curse you all! None of your children will ever be safe!" She yelled as she crumbled. I shook my head. "I put a protective spell on everyone in the room. You can't ever harm anyone, ever again. I played your game, now you have to play mine." I said coldly, almost wanting to snatch the words out of the air before they reached anyone's ears. I was a nice pony, but I didn't know if anyone in the room thought me that way. Only a few ponies were awake now, my Aunt Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. They watched me with wide eyes as I watched Crysalis disappear.
I watched outside of the castle windows, and the changlings in the streets of Canterlot were now disappaiting, just like their Queen. My grim features stayed. I let my magic run free, orange glowing sparkles floating to Crysalis. "I, Princess Flamiana Mi Amorae, daughter of Princess Mi Amorae Cadenza and Shining Armor, banish you to a faraway land where nopony lives, and it freezes like here in the dead middle of winter all year long. You will never be able to return to Equestria. The same goes for your changling army. But I will be kind. I am giving you warm clothes to stay warm. But you must suffer for your actions. You will not be changlings anymore, and I am taking your powers and wings." I said.

A brilliant light surrounded all of Equestria, the changlings losing their wings and becoming regular ponies. So did Crysalis. She was a black Earth Pony now, her green eyes not looking so evil anymore. She whimpered as she put her head down. "I'll come back. You don't know what you have done to your Equestria. I'll destroy you all, every colt, mare and filly!" She cried as she disappeared.
I looked behind me and saw all the ponies that had been in the courtyard staring at me. Midnight Cloud came forward, flying to me. "You did it!" He said, glancing at my horn. "Oh." He said, stepping away. He knew that I needed to be with my real family for now, not my pretend big brother.
The other ponies just stared at me, surprised that I was even alive. Venus, the green pony that was suppost to be my sister, took Midnight Cloud away so I could be alone.
Cadance and Shining Armor came up to me, nuzzling me. They were suppost to be my parents. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have been in that mess. I pushed them away and went to Aunt Celestia. Celestia looked at them with sadness in her eyes, and almost ashame. "Everypony, please go home. Everything is fine now. I want every guard in Equestria clearing out the changlings and repairing Canterlot." She said, nudging me and pointing to a ledge that led to her private suite in the castle.

I flew up to the room, my headache still pounding and throbbing. "I can't forgive them. It's their fault. It isn't your fault, it isn't Aunt Twily's fault, it's their fault. I want to go back to the forest, just like before, with Venus and Midnight Cloud. At least they cared enough to acually take care of me, and they didn't just give me away because I was in trouble. They taught me things I needed. Those excuses for parents didn't teach me that spell to banish someone! The only ponies I can trust are you, Aunt Luna, Aunt Twily, Midnight, Venus, and Twily's friends. I can't trust them because I don't know them. You at least paid us visits. Before I came here, I had no idea who I was, because I didn't know who I was. I thought I did, a forest pony with parents that gave me and my siblings up. Not a princess that had a curse over her head." I said suddenly as Celestia followed after me.

Celestia came over to me with a crown of blood red and orange flowers, placing it on my head. "I know its hard to forget, but you can still forgive. I didn't want you to leave, even a young filly can learn how to defend herself. I was upset when you left, and so were your parents. They wanted to protect you, not hurt you. The important thing is that you are okay now, and Crysalis is gone. She will never bother us again. Midnight and Venus taught you well." She said, smiling at me.
Her multi-colored mane reminded me of my old one, before I had to cut it off to save Venus. I didn't regret anything. My orange-amber eyes glittered with tears as I thought of my parents being upset and sending me off with their best knight and his sister, who happened to be a unicorn nurse to heal me if I ever got sick. They had missed me over the years, right? I looked up at Celestia.

"Thank you. I think I should go talk to them. I guess. I'm afraid Rarity will want to make me a dress, Pinkie want to throw me a party, Applejack make me a apple pie, Fluttershy give my a pet butterfly, and Rainbow Dash teach me how to do a Sonic Rainboom." I said, giggling at their gifts.

Celestia nodded. "But before Pinkie's party, I want to give you an early gift." She said, touching her horn to my forehead. My golden horn became whole again, and I looked up at her, to see her panting with concentration. "I'm fine. Just hadn't had to do this spell in a while." Celestia said, the end of her horn sending a spark to mine, my horn sending a spark through my entire body, as if I was being hit by lightning.

I felt the magic race through me as I looked up at Celestia. She smiled and touched her horn to me again. I was put into a glittering red gown, with a beautiful maroon crown planted behind my new horn.

We flew from her suite back to the courtyard. Every other pony had gone home, muttering curses underneath their breath.

You see, I am not a regular pony. You can already see that. This isn't the end of my story. Only part of it. My story has a beginning and middle too.

Do you want to hear it?

Comments

[Scribblestick]

Time for a review!

1) The correct spelling is "Prologue." You'd be surprised how many people will just skip this over or thumbs down for that one spelling error. Which is a shame, because the writing itself looks pretty solid.

2) Wall of text. You should put an extra space between each paragraph or indent the beginning of each paragraph. Bonus points for doing both. Otherwise, your story will be visually unappealing, and again, some people will skip it over or thumb it down for that.

3) Okay, this is supposed to be the end of her story. But then why is this called a prologue? More importantly, why is the climax in the prologue? What do we have to look forward to at the end now? While the action is interesting, the audience has no connection to the characters involved, at least not the one who seems to be doing all the work. On top of that, you end up having to just tell us about all the problems of Fira's life, which is nowhere near as interesting as seeing them happen. And aren't you going to show us all those trials and problems anyway? Kudos for trying something different, but it doesn't quite work for me.

4) Your character. Oh boy... alicorn princess, daughter of Shining and Cadance, and by extension related to Celestia, Luna, and Twilight, and apparently 'in' with all of Twilight's friends. On top of all that, she is also so powerful that she can cast a spell that effective strips all changelings everywhere of their powers, including Queen Chrysalis (who can even beat Celestia on a good day), while simultaneously banishing them from Equestria forever. With a broken horn. Oh, and she also has a crazy name, though it kind of fits considering who her mother is. Sorry, but this character reeks of Sue-ness. If you want to build her up to being so ridiculously over-powered, I might be interested. It looks like you're going to do that anyway. But presenting her like this at the very beginning is going to turn so many people off to your story.

5) I wouldn't call Chrysalis an alicorn, even though she does have wings and a horn. I consider alicorns to be a race of ponies and the changelings to be a different species entirely. Maybe that's just my opinion.

6) I noticed a few grammar and spelling errors, but nothing major. You can never proofread enough, I suppose.

Well, that's it for now. Hope it helps!

-EDIT-
7) Using a pic from a generator turns people off, too. I don't really know why, except that generator pics are generally associated with poor writing.

[Larmina872]

Thanks for pointing that out! I'm only starting 5th grade, so I basically can't write well . I planned on telling some of the ending, and then showing how she grew up in the rest of the chapters, you see? I'm not even close with done on the ending. Wait a few days and let me do the first few chapters.
On the grammar mistakes.... Sorry!