A man who doesn't write half of his stories half as often as he should like, and writes less than half of them half as well as they deserve.
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Writers and Reviewers Institute for Technical Excellence302 stories ·46 members
"Sis, I know you always told me that the farm is our home and that we all belong there, but you also told me you had to leave to find that out. I hope you can understand. I'm tired of ponies telling me that I'll find out who I am if I wait. What kind of boring self am I ever going to find by just sitting around doing normal stuff?"
—
Cover image by Icaron, used with permission.
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Howdy there, folks. I could use your help with something: after having read the first two chapters of this, do you think it's humorous enough for the Comedy tag, or no? Personally, I feel like I've got the bare minimum when it comes to the amount of humor that naturally comes along with the main characters I've chosen, but I'd like to hear what you think.
Also, was the switch to omniscient in the last part of chapter 2 too jarring, or did you feel that it worked well? I don't really intend to change it either way, but if it didn't work out I won't do the same thing next time I shift perspective to just covering a single character.
where the side walk ends cover =D
I adore the picture...
anyway, wow, this is very well written! I did really enjoy it, interesting premise, awesome job!
as for your questions, I definitely chuckled at some parts. Whether or not you wish to add the tag is up to you.
and I didn't find it all that jarring. It flowed well. Not really a terrible need to change it at all.
I'll be following this...
Good job! Could use some more interaction between the characters, but very good!
1204887 Heehee, yes, I had to have it.
1204975 It seems I really made the right choice in going for that picture, huh? Thank you for the kind words and your opinions.
1205055 I hear you. It's the whole 'each scene is mostly taken up by a single conversation that's lengthy, but still just one conversation' thing, right? I'll work on that. Thank you for your input.
...
I don't know. I have to read more before I can make a judgement.
1207840 That's valid. There'll be more within the week, hopefully.
Okay. I read the first two chapters. I honestly don't see the CMC leaving Ponyville in order to try and get their cutie marks. However, this does have some promise. What happens between the CMC and Trixie will decide a lot.
Ooooooh dear.
I don't know what to think about what is about to happen.
If it turns out well, I can see the CMC getting there cutie marks just being around Trixie. If it turns out bad...poor Trixie.
Im scared of what they may do.
They're going to build a stage for her, aren't they? Applebloom will build it, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo will paint it.
Seems interesting, definitely well written.
trucking forward.
This is has so much potential, please continue this.
1346500>>1346609 Thank you very much for the kind words. More is coming, but first I need to finish editing what's here already. It would have been done sooner, but then — and I hate myself a bit for saying this — Borderlands happened. Also a number of Graphic Design, C++, and QBasic projects, but mostly Borderlands. Tonight I'll be finishing up the last of my projects, though, so if nobody offers to play Borderlands with me, then I'll definitely get a good deal (if not all) of the editing done. Chapter four's about 20–25% finished, and I might be able to work on that some as well.
Oh, and thanks for the favorite.
And so starts Trixie adventures with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Just what did Sweetie Belle's horn come in contact with?
1491529
Fun stuff.
This cant end well.
1204887 I know!
daw
Well, hell yes. I knew I faved this story for a reason. Glad to see you're resuming. I thought how you got the CMC to stay with trixie was very believable and even clever.
Still watching and reading.
2122339
Heh, good to hear you say that. I was a bit worried about how I executed it, to be honest. Happy it didn't seem phoned in or anything to you.
Nice chapter.
I'm certainly liking the notion of CMC and Trixie interactions, it's not something I can recall ever seeing happen before. It's good how you have her - still snooty, but approachable at the same time. If only ye updated more frequently
awww, I loved their letters to the families
way cute
By the FAQs definition of categories, this would lean more to slice-of-life than adventure. Oh, the technicalities!
Anyway, your story's review will be up soon, and IMO, the dislikes it's garnered and reasons behind them are highly questionable
2620188
If only I were able to use both tags at once… Adventure elements will play more and more heavily into it as the story goes on, but it'll probably still wind up feeling like a Slice of Life by the end. The fact is, though, that the CMC are going on a quest, and will wind up exploring and affecting a good many places in Equestria. Although, wow. Just looked at the Slice of Life definition, and it does seem to fit more perfectly than I thought. It's not exactly the same as my own definition, though, I guess. Like, by this definition, "It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door" would probably fall under Slice of Life as well, and that just doesn't seem right. I think I'll stick with Adventure. The big difference is just that my story won't have all that much hard action in it, but as we don't have a separate "Action" tag, I just have to stick with what I've got and damn the connotations.
But thank you very much for the kind words (and the favorite, of course). I'm looking forward to the review.
This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critic Society.
Story Title: To Glimpse a Wider World
Author: Burraku_Pansa
Reviewed By: Blankscape
It is obviously plain to say the fan fiction is written because some people are clearly not satisfied with what has been presented on a story. Most would write about certain events transpiring one way or another, resulting in alternate universes. Others would fancy doing cross-overs from other works of fiction. Even fewer are those who would pluck the characters out from the canon and insert them into a story-verse of their own making. However, this work entitled ‘To Glimpse a Wider World’ by Burraku_Pansa fits none of those descriptions, but counts itself amongst the very few stories that can be considered as canon with surprisingly excellent execution to boot.
Full Review
Score: 9/10
2622856
This is the most flattering thing I've ever read about my own work, easily. It means an awful lot to me, Blank. Thank you.
2622930
It's what it deserves, and good luck with future chapters and your other writing endeavors
Greetings and thanks for trusting on WRITE to help improve your story. I'm Simon o'Sullivan; my beard and I will comment through the story. Without further ado, let's start.
I really have little to say about the story. It has room for improvement, but only a little, for it's quite good the way it is. The premise seems solid and promising enough, keeping the reader looking forward for the next chapter.
There are a few things I notice in the story, though that called my attention Allow me to quote them.
This, though technically correct, sounds a bit odd. You portray her arrogance well, but I think that part should be rephrased in order to avoid repeating the name so soon, you could say, for example:
"In case such ravishing show didn't make it obvious enough, you stand before the Great and Powerful Trixie!"
It also makes it a bit more showy, though it's your opinion if she would make such an effort to introduce herself to three fillies that's obvious aren't a paying audience.
This is a simple mistake, jut delete one of the "was" and you're done.
One of my problems with the story, which didn't make it less enjoyable, was Rainbow Dash's behavior with all that was happening. The fact that she gives so little importance to the fact that the girls simply left home without telling anypony. I understand she's a strong mare and all, and that probably this was written before that episode where she basically takes Scootaloo under her wing, And yet, the fact that she behaves that way feels slightly odd.
The other part that called my attention was Sweetie Belle giving a "human" name in her letter. I would've understand it if this was a humanized fic, but here it comes a bit out of place.
Other than that, the idea's pretty nice, and I'll keep an eye on it. Keep up the good work!
Simon o'Sullivan and Beard; WRITE's Manly Reviewers of Manly Fics.
2666060
Dang, I'd been hoping for more consistent stuff I could work on in future chapters. Thanks all the same, Simon, and I'm very happy you liked it.
Just a small headcanon I work into my stories whenever I get the chance: ponies have true names that are only really used in official documents, when being ultra-polite, or for emphasis in situations where they're making some adamant declaration about themselves or someone else is commanding/scolding them and whathaveyou ("Bethany Faith Apple, y'all better get yer tush down here this instant!"). I can see how it'd be jarring, given how it's almost entirely unsupported by canon ("Pinkamena Diane Pie"), but I like it too much.
I follow you perfectly, thanks to the italics, but those thought sections technically need the close/open singlequotes.
You changed narration? I didn't notice. Guess it works, then.
2683009
It can be a bit too easy for me to lose a single quote here and there in all the italicization code. Thanks for catching that.
you did a pretty good job at getting the crusaders.
Their speech, their actions, the way their messed up minds work, it was pretty spot on
Also nice to see Trixie being more than just an one dimensional character. That is always nice in my book, so I'll now have to recommend this story when it updates again
This is impressive. So glad I read this - totally getting added to my favorites! I cant wait to see this updated.
Quite nice, here. Looks like the CMC are a bit in over their head... as usual. Hopes this updates soon.
3052753
It might not, to be honest. After what's been posted, the story's going to have shifted to a slightly different format. One difference is chapter length; the next chapter alone will be longer than all of what's been posted combined. On top of not being used to writing such long entries, I've been very busy, both with other projects and with work/college, and it's all had a pretty big impact on my output. I'm happy you like what's here, but the wait for more could be a bit on the lengthy side.
3052911 Well, that's all right.
Got a ton more to catch up on. As long as you're working on it. ;)
3053007
That I am. And hey, I say this only slightly of self-interest, but mostly because you seem to be looking forward to more: you're not actually tracking the story.
3053125 Any intention of continuing this one? It'd be awesome if you did. I was really wrapped up in it.
5507349
Plenty of intention, yes. My plans have this as the first in a small web of related stories—I've sort of been skipping around in that web, writing other (as of yet unpublished) stories before coming back to work more on this. Happy to hear you liked it so far, though.
5508134 I do hope they come out soon-ish. If the comments section is anything to go by, it's been a year since the last update and I'd be kinda sad if I had to wait a whole 'nother year to read this.
there is a a god, and his name is Burraku_Pansa
THANK YOU!
Wow, it has been a while for this... Glad to see it back in action
Excellent to see a new chapter (or two in my case, I can be so bloody blind sometimes). Another story back on its hooves.
Very nice. I like what we are seeing of this Trixie, partially because it's in a different color from the others I've seen. But also it's just fun. It sounds like she and Twilight could talk shop, assuming they didn't sneer at each other's preferred shops.
I like how you are developing Trixie. Have you read the IDW comics with her in it? Now we just have to see how she and Scootaloo interact together.
I am curious how the mane six are doing now, and how soon they will get the letters. Don't make them the focus, just don't forget all about them.