It’s the Canterlot High School musical production of The Little Mermaid! Everyone is excited, if not nervous on how three reforming sirens are taking part.
For Sunset Shimmer, casted as the red headed mermaid, it seems like an otherwise relaxful endeavor while she focuses on her growing feelings for one of her best friends. That is, until she gets messages that will make her see just how much she has in common with said little mermaid.
Crossover story based on picture(s) by my friend Zarxnos
Current cover art by LunaKirby https://www.deviantart.com/mslunakirby/art/Commission-Little-Mermaid-Sunset-Shimmer-880526509
A story about discovering love, finding your voice, facing you fears, and learning to stand on your own two feet...🦶
Special thanks to ArielFan90 and ExplosionMare for pre-reading and other technical issues.
And to this and the eventual dramatic readings sponsors;
Admiral Typhoon, Saita the Kirin, Fanura Joy, Peppermint Papa QWERTY841, & Arielfan90
I'll admit, I did not see that twist coming!
Aria wanted to play Sunset's role, but was worried she'd turn into a font.
So if thus isn't done, why is this marked Complete? And I don't care what your "reasons" are.
Putting pictures directly in the story never looks good.
That said, Sunset does fit Ariel's role to a T. Adagio, to a lesser extent, also does with Ursula's.
But Twilight, either version, fails miserably to fit into Eric's role. I don't see how you got she did.
Honestly, only Sunset and Adagio as who they play, make any sense at all. The rest don't make much sense. Even by Equestria Girls standards.
awesome story mate keep it up i hope you write the whole the little mermaid 1 story soon
10696716
-because I’m a derp >.>
Thanks for telling me ^^’ changed it
-like I said, this is kind of more an experimental writing thing that takes a few risk. May not go over well and get me more down than upvotes, but I still appreciate the feedback for me to try and make the risks pay off as well as I can ❤️
-yeah, when I requested Z make the foot art, I was thinking of all the parallels with Ariel and Sunset ^.^
Adagio kind of came more as a second thought, but I agree with how she fits
And how do you know Flash won’t be Eric? :p
okay, Sci-Twi will be Eric in TLM segments. And I tried to write it as FlashShimer (if only to make Z’s job easier) but you’ll soon see the reason for it will be made more clear as the story progresses I couldn’t have it any other way
Hope to see you for the continuation of this
I love this so far!!
If I were you, though, I would look at some of your spelling and some sentence fragments that you left in the story. A few words are missing letters and some sentences sound like they’re missing words.
10697008
Every time no mater how hard I try 😞
What I’d kill for the world greatest editor
Love the story so far! Do you think perhaps Puppy Spike could be part of the play or just have a scene or two including him?
10697091
I can help you edit some things if you want
10697868
Yay 😁
Well atm having a little technical trouble with Google docs :/ but I’ll keep you and your comment in mind, although feel free, if you can/want, try pointing (copy paste) some issues you see
10697975
Will do!
- glup should be “gulp”
- The highlighted sentence is incomplete. A good way to fix this is to say “she came” instead of “coming”
- “Begging” and the rest of the sentence could all be a part of the previous sentence followed by a comma
- “we” should be capitalized
- The “Her” at the beginning doesn’t make any sense for a description sentence. What would be better is if you said “She had...”
- This sentence is incomplete. Adding “appeared” in place of the first comma should fix it. Also, the “It” is missing a “t”
- “If” should be lowercased
- The 2nd highlighted section doesn’t need a comma
-“you’ll” should be capitalized
-“and” should have an ellipses (...) after it to show a pause
-I would take out this bolded section because it makes the sentence too lengthy and the detail isn’t necessary
- Should be “With”
- There should be an ellipses after “role”
- This part should have dashes in between each phrase to make the words sound more rushed (ex. magical-horse-that-can-fly-and-shoot-lasers)
- The last bolded part doesn’t make any sense. A good way to rephrase it is to say “more in how” or “by how”
- The “and” needs a dash (—) afterwards
- “Maters” is missing a “t”
- Take out “with”
- A period would be more fitting here than the ellipses
10699287
Sweet :)
I’ll insert your suggested edits later and send you the next chapter to be released DM shortly after
10699366
Sounds great! :)
10699366
It’s me trying to make it sound less like exposition
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
Thanks for crediting me! Can’t wait for the next chapters
Mort will have vengeance
Chapter 3 Notes from the Pre-readers!
Proud to say notes from the pre-readers are back!
🦫 🪵 🦫 🪵
“And he tripped, underwater! I mean, who dose that?! This script is very unrealistic.” *burns it*
🔥
That all for today. Let me know if you’d like to be a pre-reader!
awesome chapter mate keep it up can't wait for the next chapter
Love the artwork!!
Also, in the credits, you put my name down as “ExplosiveMare” by accident instead of “ExplosionMare”.
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🤯
Men, unless we get another pre-read with a bang, I’ll just leave it here and work on it next time ^^’ 💜
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Thank you for taking the time to comment and say that!! ❤️ 😭 🤗
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
Chapter 4 Notes from the Pre-readers!
It was super effective! :3
Didn’t like this as it asks too many questions, so simply deleted it.
Overall thoughts;
And this is how the grotto destruction scene in this story came to be.
That’s it for this round, if you’d be interested in becoming a proof reader, send me a dm. See you next time 👍
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
10773435
Thanks 😊
Even if you’re the only one commenting 😣 I’ll do my best to keep them coming 🌟
This is a very nice story. I appreciate how you interweave the two stories together.
Interestingly, those three regions are relatively close to each other. Syria and Mesopotamia both lie within the fertile crescent, and Syria and Greece are connected by the Mediterranean Sea. In fact, the Greek alphabet is actually derived from Phoenician letters. The Phoenicians were a group of maritime city-states who lived along the east coast of the Mediterranean in places like Syria, along the time of ancient and classical Greece.
Keep up the good work. I'm excited for the next chapter.
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Ah! This is why research is key!! Could of sworn Syrian is in Asia, but yeah >.>
And thanks ❤️
Awesome picture!
Notes from the pre-readers chapter 6
A bit behind and forgot to do these before changes, but here ya go!
“Aren’t you supposed to still be feeling bad for planning my birthday party during a hurricane?”
This sounds a bit rude of Explosion: Twilight to say unless Shining truly knew about the hurricane beforehand.
Me: eh, yeah. Kind of was the idea. Hope it translates well later.
“You’d think she lived in the ocean her whole life. *Thankfully, I was able to spruce her up nicely!”
Spotty8ee: seems a bit uppitty a thing for Cadence’s personality. Maybe something more like, ‘Thankfully it wasn’t hard to fine a pretty face under all that sand,’ or something.
I agreed, and changed it to what it is now.
Then, out of the blue, his sister found some girl on the *beach who looked like this mystery girl and, hell, decided to help her?
Explosive: Is Sunset’s appearance relevant to this description? If it is, there should be at least one more sentence that provided that, whether is about Twilights perception of Sunset or someone else’s.
Second day date notes from the pre-readers
Also, thanks to Explosion for suggesting I get rid of self harm tags
‘Sunset,’ Twilight though. Not thinking about how beautiful the name was! Rather how they had found that out.
I think it would be better if Sunset’s name wasn’t discovered until the mention of the charades. That way, it would be a surprise.
Gah!” Twilight cried, hand to her head as her mind started to drift towards when *Shining and Cadence found them asleep curled up together on the study floor with a copy of the ugly duckling in their laps.
Probably unnecessary to say they were in the book fort again.
Not as if my very soul or being ‘*I told you so’ is on the line or anything.’
This dosnt make a lot of sense. I think saying something along the lines of ‘spiting Celestia or proving her wrong would sound better.
Meanwhile, the duo pulled out of the castle courtyard, then onto the road, Sunset staring at the green pastures and fields, the people, and even got a bit too curious on how the contraption they were riding in work without water to push against.
This could be separated into 2 sentences.
using human contraptions, and all kinds of buildings that emitted smells that made Sunset’s mouth drool.
What are the buildings supposed to smell like, or are they bakeries/perfume shops/ect.
Sunset grinned, took Twilight’s hand, and lead her to the ground, where the *two girls soon threw themselves into a laughter fit.
How would Sunset be able to laugh without working vocal cords? She might be able to exhale funny as if she was laughing, but she probably isn’t capable of full on laughter.
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter
im sorry to hear you lost your irl sister
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No, the sister was an online fandom one, but much appreciated, thanks 🫂
I’m sorry for your loss
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter happy bday mate my birthday is on the 13th of may as well
Happy Birthday and Happy Star Wars Day!
I’m working on the grammar editing right now
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Good girl! 👍
*gives you cake*
🎂
10801316
helps a lot 
Thanks 🙏
You honestly keep me from going crazy when I post these 😓
Although feel free to be more detailed about what you loved about each chapter too
10801731
i will
10801729
*noms cake cause I just finished the editing*
I genuinely keep reading it as 'Sunset Shimmer discovers feet' and then remember it's not M
10803198
I mean, I don’t blame you :3
But stick to the end and you may not be disappointed
awesome chapter mate keep it up cant wait for the next chapter im glad sunset clam her down that the life of musicals
Not gonna lie, when Pinkie slapped Twilight with the fish I couldn't stop laughing for a good couple of minutes.
I'm a little surprised there isn't a Dazzlings tag. Why isn't there one?
10806015
... I should probably add one ^^’
I really like the story be I was just wondering could you possibly tell the whole story including the events that happened up to the point this story is at?!
And so the fish slap returns. Princess Twilight bringing Sunset's parents is honestly kinda a b***h move. If Sunset doesn't want to see her parents, she shouldn't have to see them.
Having read the original Hans Christian Anderson version of TLM and seen the anime before Disney got their grubby hands on it, it always annoyed me that they "Disney-villained" the sea-witch. Ah well.