Writing Comedy, Adventure and Slice Of Life. Desperately trying to keep up with all the crazy stories my brain comes up with.
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The Equestrian Architecturial Association sends an inspector to make sure Twilight's School Of Friendship is up to code. The school reacts with the appropriate amount of panicked hysteria.
An entry into HapHazred's A Change Of Pace contest.
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Ha, this was great. We never did learn why Ocellus was at the school, though I’m going to guess it’s because the Hive doesn’t have much of a library yet.
I mean after what just happened and the episode best night ever you will think people will fix the pillars making sure it doesn't fall
Dang it Harmony you're not really helping the situation oh yeah I figure it out already that's the tree of Harmony which that is pretty interesting to see that
“Only one reason to find out!” Silverstream bounced over to the indicated door, pulling it wide open. There was a loud roar along with a wave of seawater and several large black and pink tentacles reaching out from the door.
“Hi Callie! Sorry for bothering you!” Silverstream slammed the door shut again on the tentacles, turning back to the group. “False alarm, it’s just Callie.”
Well then that was pretty random but actually really funny lol
Ohh flash back from season 2 lol
Oh wow this was an interesting take on off the tree of Harmony's character which I've always wanted to see how she interacts with other creatures anyway so Harmony was trying to impress the building inspector but things were starting to go wrong and she starts panic but then suddenly she meet up with the other kids one by one which that makes it more nervous racking for her which that is really interesting that she's developing more emotion this time now anyway because of her freak out the school starting to fall apart because she's part of the school as well because of the root crystal under the caves and very interesting that she felt lonely because she's in the everfree forest so that's why she wants to be there with other creatures to interact with them poor thing but anyway with all this happening the kids and Harmony came together and fix the school with the power of magic a friendship but it looks like the school inspector was basically looking at safety regulations not the building because apparently throughout season 1 through 9 there's been a lot of monsters and destruction so many times but they said they can figure out to rebuild the buildings and everything so that was something anyway this was a pretty fun story and again very interesting take on the tree of Harmony and cool to see the young 6 😊
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Thank you for the comments and I'm glad you liked the story.
Although could you put the last comment in spoiler tags, please? It's... basically a tl:dr summary of the entire fic.
10511076
Oh ok got it 😅
10511087
Thanks, and thank you again for the comments.
10511116
No problem 😊
I have to admit, you pegged Gallus right square here.
10511269
I admit I've never seen a full episode of the last two seasons and mostly know the Young Six from fanfics and fancomics.
So I'm not sure if that says something about my writing skill or his character.
Just from his design and what I've seen from comics Gallus is one of my favorite characters though, so that might have contributed.
That was fun; thanks for writing. :)
Ah, Ponyville. Always nice to see a good story about Harmony and the students. All in all, this really does feel like it could be a proper episode. Well done.
10511395
Glad you liked it, and thank you. I did my best to try and make the antics 'look' a lot like a typical episode.
So this school's managed to become more cool than Hogwarts. That's actually pretty impressive...and yet feels very fitting for me.
Also, I liked how you had Smolder not be doing any of the obvious things you would've expected with her when she turned up. Not only does that shake things up, it's more creative that way, especially when it's still not out of character for her to do.
I was honestly surprised there weren't more listed examples of claims labeled as just "CMC."
10511478
Yeah, the whole tea party joke is great but also a little overused, and really only actually a small part of her character.
Cheerilee knows better than most ponies how to keep the Crusaders' destruction away from her school... most of the time at least.
Tree Twilight seems to have a new personality...
Any more stories coming soon?
10511573
So I was pleasantly surprised by the sandbag-punching, and that just made me appreciate the shake-up all the more. 
I admit, though, the first thing I expected was more that she had been sneaking down to the catacombs so to snack on all the crystal down there, not the tea parties.
10511617
There was actually a post-credit scene I scrapped where Twilight asks Spike why he's licking the walls.
The only thing you got wrong was Gallus talking about his "relatives" possibly taking some of the furniture. Gallus is famously an orphan, as revealed in 8-14 "The Hearths Warming Club" and thus that seems very unlikely. Other than that, it's some great characterization for characters who you've never actually seen in full and the fact that when everyone was reacting to Sandbar's profoundly boring revelation I could identify each of the six speakers without you revealing them anymore than Yona using her own name speaks a great deal about your talent.
10511706
Thank you very much. I did check through the wiki pages to prepare.
I missed the part about Gallus being an orphan; I just remembered something about him being accompanied by Grandpa Gruff in the first episodes.
So Harmony's emulated Twilight too well, ended up freaking out and made the school demolish itself as it became one of her bodies? That's one hell of a weakness to exploit in the future. I was hoping the poor inspector didn't get crushed by the rubble.
It seems like becoming more equine has it's upsides and downsides.
10511803
Yeah maybe too well now she got that freak out Twilight of less than zero party pooped trivial pursuit and he's okay he was just talking to Harmony and the kids in the end
10511717
If only Gilda or Gabby can take care of him they would treat him better than Grandpa Groff
10512387
I meant getting crushed and then coming out of the rubble like it is a Ponyville Tuesday.
10512407
Ohh ok cool
10512407
The inspector was in the catacombs at the time. That's what the first half of the chapter/break was about.
10511578
New in more than one way. She didn't have awareness for thousands of years. Became sentient, incorporated herself in to 2 buildings(The Castle and the School), had her original body blown up, had to grow another body and now one of her buildings is being judged? She's been very busy then last few years so a lot of her personality which she barely had time to developed has been altered by stress!
you could say through the power of friendship, twilight corrupted tree of harmony with her twlighting
Wonderful
A smart building like this sounds amazing for a completely different kind of fic.
Awesome. Just... awesome.
Ah, the Student 6 finale we should have gotten.
Although it's only... uhh... let's see... about 300 words per script page... about 23 pages then... an animated show's treatment should be about 30... so like 3/4 of the length needed? Needs a 'B' plot. And maybe a tag.
Point is it reads like an episode of the show.
Now some nit-picks:
Should read 'in case' etc.
Also, tongue-in-cheek, "Slinky" is a brand name, and oddly not one owned by Hasbro, and so needs either sub-quotes or a (tm). Or you could call it a helical spring toy, though that's more a Spongebob brand of humor. :P
10513603
Actually, 23 pages at a minute per page plus commercials puts this just a haaaaaaair over the 22 minutes.
SLINKIES!
10513817
A minute per page for live action: I'd seen 0.5 minutes per page for animation... but that's with all the stage directions written out, so I estimated. May have over-shot.
10513603
Fixed. And I'm glad that it reads like an episode, that was the intention.
As for the length, blame HapHazred. I don't think what I wrote would quite last for 23 minutes, but that's what he calculated.
I did spend a good bit of it on descriptions of relatively short scenes and gags.
10511294 I'm just glad you didn't base your angle on Twilight Sparkle based on my writing, or the ending would be far weirder.
Twilight returned to her castle to find Twilight browsing the castle library shelves, quietly murmuring to herself while flickering every so often, and giving off a sharp scent of ozone.
"She's been like that for a few days," said Ocellus. "It started right after the building inspector left, and she won't say anything about it."
Princess Twilight Sparkle (the flesh-and-blood version) took a deep breath, counted to ten, and let it out. "Building inspector?"
A few minutes later, after a detailed (but not too detailed) description of what had recently happened while Twilight (the real one) was gone, Ocellus was looking ever-so-slightly more nervous, since Princess Twilight and 'Harmony' Twilight were looking more similar by the minute. The springing bits of mane were particularly interesting, and a good thing to concentrate on rather than the amount of magic that would be released if an alicorn were to perhaps theoretically explode from internal pressure.
Gallus should have been the one to explain this. Even Yona could have done a better job. She's going to break, and it will be my fault.
"Me?" asked Twilight cautiously. "I know you don't want to say anything to the students about what is troubling you... that is you-me... What do--"
"Harmony," said Ocellus.
"Right." Twilight took another breath. "Harmony? Can you tell me what's wrong? Why are you acting this way? Is it my fault?"
"No," said Harmony in a very small voice. She turned around with her head hanging low. "It's just... I saw a way to fix the problem with Baseline Standard, and while the students were busy, we... um... Well... It worked, or at least had a contributing effect. And everything turned out well at the end, so... But it brought up another problem. Well, not a problem, per se. You see, we..." Harmony leaned close to Twilight's ear and whispered something.
"Oh," said Twilight.
Then after some time, "I see."
And just when Ocellus could not restrain her curiosity, Twilight gave a short nod. "That's... unexpected, but... how many seeds?"
"Twenty or thirty," said Harmony. "It's hard to tell at this stage."
"Oh, that's wonderful," gushed Twilight, who promptly engulfed Harmony in a cautious hug. "I've been wanting to establish schools of friendship all over Equestria. I just had no idea how you pollinated until now."
10514333
So we have Golden Oaks trying to pollinate through her in your Substitute AU, we have the School Treehouse Of Harmony pollinating as her in this one.
If you're not careful you'll end up with more of your AU Twilights being shipped by trees than you have Twilights being shipped by her fellow alicorn princesses.
10514112
As you can see from my replies, there is some debate. A full script for an animated series would have a lot of stage directions and so would be longer. This is closer to a treatment, though, and the breakdown on that can vary quite widely. Just my gut feeling that you'd probably be around 4 minutes under, just enough for a random B-plot, but that's not exactly authoratative.
10514333
That's one way to build new schools. But unless she can self-pollinate (a distinct possibility, but not all trees can) you'd need some other tree to cross-pollinate with. Presumably the result would not be magical or sentient, but with a little cultivation it might be school-shaped.
Now, assume the resulting cross-breeds aren't sterile, how can we apply selective breeding to create optimally school-shaped crystal trees? I'm thinking we need pony Gregor Mendel on this. Anyone got a good ponysona name for him?
This was a fantastic story. Very episodic feel to it. Pacing felt a bit rushed on it, but a lot of episodes tended to have that feel so I can overlook that. Good job!
Theme.
Sin count: 1
Has anyone EVER managed to get a slinky to do the thing all the way down, instead of making it down just 2 steps at most before sliding forward or twisting/bending to the side and rolling the rest of the way?
CMC, lol.
Nice! I was sorta expecting that ending, but you really went beyond my expectations!
Nice worldbuilding on the Harmony connection, etc!
----
Typos:
Missing word?
Space.
10515287
Oh yeah, my writing tends to be kinda compact. But this time I have an excuse with the word limit.
Glad you liked the story.
10515348
Only select earth ponies with a very specific Slinky cutie mark have ever managed to accomplish that feat of improbability engineering.
10515542
Happy to hear I managed to deliver. Also, fixed.
Aww how hole some. Nice work