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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
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AW NO HE GONE AND JUMPED OFF A CLIFF!!!! well hopefully his armor saves him, would hate to see the story end so soon...
'-and I inadvertently jump off a cliff... how quaint'
cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/947926/funny-gif-man-jump-out-the-window.gif
in a nutshell
I hope thers a "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK"
Just noticed....
Romance......cock
That end made me crack up! I just hope that he won't die.
1316729 Not sure where you got that gif but I want it! And yes that what happened in a nutshell.
1317906 You will, but it goona be funny as hell though.
Discord-Zidane full on friendship? (Not like that... You sick bastards! )
Surely you wouldn't dare to go all cliché on us and throw Discord as an Antagonist?
...
Seriously. Don't.
1323595 Oh hell no, Discord is not evil on this one...yet, but him and Zidane are basically the best of friends, you know the type of friends that always make fun of each other and act like douche bags to one another, but are still friends. That is their relationship, that and they always find ways to be total assholes to each other. Discord will be ruining his day on a regular basis.
1325159
>yet.
Are you implying what I think you're implying?
1325191 Well later on he does push Zidane off a clif as a prank and everyone else sees it as an assassination attempt...and I just spoiled something now didn't I?
1325217
Yes. Yes you did
It seems like... Misunderstandings Ahoy!
1325221 Oh great...now I have to kill you...and then dump your body into the lake so no one will find it....sorry but it is just....Chaos...*puts on sunglasses* YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
1325248
I say....
sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/c0.0.403.403/p403x403/376714_359739667439290_303534234_n.jpg
BAM! PONIES WITH PANTS!
Now I'm unkillable.
1369996 College, experimented, never again.
I noticed you only use the word "their" instead of there of they're.
Other than that its pretty interesting.
There: location
Their: ownership
They're: 'They are'
Oh my god in Heaven! Your character is cynical, unlikable, brutish, pissy, mean, unpleasant, overpowered, brooding...my LORD he is AWFUL. AWWWWFUUUULLLLL.
I pray this ASSHOLE starts to improve in a few chapters. Because right now? I'm not feeling the LEAST not sorry for him. If every human acted like he's acting towards these people, they DESERVED to be put in stone, people like this JACKASS are what Conversion Bureau potions were made for!
2341355 Well keep reading, and as you read you will find out why he is a cynical asshole. Not everyone that lives in a hell hole for most of their lives gets away from it unscathed.
1316729WTF?
Okay, I can't read any more of this. I don't know how this somehow managed to earn a feature and I know these chapters are old, but somehow I have a feeling you haven't really improved. You have no editor and you clearly never proofread. Frankly, this story is too badly defaced by your horrible story telling methods to make up for what should be a rather interesting plot point. I'm not even a writer, and I even think I could never write a story worth reading, but when looking at this, I think I could have done the past three chapters of wasted time I've spent reading a lot better. Get an editor, get a proof reader, go back and revise these, because frankly I don't care enough to see your later chapters.
And now Celestia's a mind reader, because why not.
Like Sadron, I'm going to have to stop here. The character is so unlikeable and uninteresting that I can't read anymore. I was already skipping most of the dialogue, and it hasn't gotten any better.
Were all you people born little fucking bitches? YOU USED THE WRONG TO HOW FUCKING DARE YOU YOU FUCKING SHITFACE. THAT COMMA DOSNT BELONG THERE YOU FUCKING DOPE!. Gosh damn I bet none of you have balls or friends like for real shut the fuck off and read the fucking book this fandom is full of shit faces and neck beards. Ya'll bloody piss me off
4040456 Nigga you need to calm the fuck down, Roran needs constructive criticism not HOLY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST YOU MISPLACED A COMMA!
I don't know how much things improve as the story goes on, but I will say that you should never, and I mean NEVER have a sentence that looks like this.
"I said grinning at my liaison officer which in return scoffed in annoyance at my antics and gave me my own one-finger salute before throwing me a data-pad at my head which thankfully caught the pad with my teeth like a well trained dog, would be wagging my tail if I had one, and be begging for a treat but knowing what would happen I rather keep my perfect number of teeth intact and still in my head."
So far, I have seen way too many sentences that were like this. If you absolutely must have all this detail, break it up into shorter sentences. To less experienced readers, it's not a big deal, but to readers like myself who have read over a hundred books and countless fanfictions, it is one of the most obnoxious thing we can come across.
I really like your story, but I'm really hoping that the writing quality improves. If not, I don't think I'll be able to finish everything you have written so far.