Spikes Find
Spikes Rare Candy
The library was always quiet whenever twilight left, whether it was when she went on a grand adventure after Spike gets a Letter with Celestia’s Seal on it, when she heads into town, or the farmers market. Which is the case today. Someone ate all the apples in the whole library and by someone I mean spike.
“You are a growing dragon after all” sighed Twilight as she tighten her bags getting ready to head off.
“Sorry Twi, I thought we had more apples in the back pantry” grumbled Spike, not too happy with Twilights tone on account it was a honest mistake.
“It’s ok spike” as she levitated a list of needed items into here pouch. “I needed to shop today anyway. I wonder if there are any good deals today.” Twilight then grinned and looked at spike while heading to the front door. “Maybe there will be a
traveling salespony with books I haven’t read yet.”
“Well, you have fun” said Spike as he walked Twilight to the door and pausing at it.
“If you’re going to get more apples at AppleJacks stand then could you grab some apple pies? You know there my favorite!” Spike yelled to Twilight as she was pretending not to hear him walking farther and farther down the street.
“Huh? What’s that Spike? Tell me when I get back, ok?” Shouted Twilight as she rounded the corner with a grin for teasing Spike.
“Oh Ha Ha Ha” muttered Spike as he slammed the front door to the library.
He slowly started to make his way to his bed hoping to enjoy this quiet time since he is done with his chores for the day. As he enters his little bed and closes his eyes it wasn’t long before he wouldn’t stop moving around, throwing his blanket off when he was to hot and on when he was too cold. After several minutes of this he finally gives up.
“Who needs sleep in the dead of day anyway” Spike thought. He then wondered around the living courters of the library and began to stop randomly and look around. He then started to close his eyes and try to the same so he could see where in the room he would end up. He was careful though no to hit a wall or anything else so he wouldn’t get hurt. After several minutes of this activity Spike opens his eyes with his head tilted upward.
He notice a box upon the highest shelf nearest the window. Spike has never seen that box before and wondered what could be inside. He hurried and grabbed a ladder to investigate. As he became closer and closer to the box he can see that it has had a lot of detail put into the box. It was just a little bit smaller than himself. It had a gemstone in the top middle part of it, which made spike hungry.
“I wonder who this belongs to.” Spike said as he noticed it had a keyhole right below the gem. Just as if he were a cat, Spikes curiosity got the best of him. He put one of his index claws into the hole to try and pick the lock.
Spike was looking away with his tongue out trying to feel for the inside.
“Ah common” said spike wanting to know what was in the mystery box if it were the last thing he did.
A sound brought spikes eyes to a glow as the box slowly lifted open. He took his claw out of the hole to lift the boxes head to see its contents, he was a bit confused. The box had 3 small potions varying in colors, 1 large potion with a light green glow, a jar with about twenty blue and yellow balls that look a lot like gum, and a stuffed doll similar to twilights Smartpants.
“What is all this?” muttered Spike as he picked up the light green colored potion. He gave it a sniff followed by the most discussed face Spike has ever made in his life so far.
“DEUUEAUGH” Spike yelped disgustingly. Spike was wondering why this stuff was here and who’s box this is. He soon came to the conclusion that the box is definitely Twilights, but why she had it and why she didn’t tell him was beyond Spike. A out stretched claw soon grasped the jar that contained the gum ball looking candy. He brought the jar close to his eyes to get a better look.
He soon found out that the blue gum looking candy say “AGE UP (+10)” and the yellow said “AGE DOWN (-2)." Spike thought “What would Rarity think if I were maybe ten years older.” Spikes face grew more happy as he thought about this plan and how he can play it off, but do these candy really make him age? Spike looked up at the clock. Twilight usually takes her time and talks to everypony.
Spike grabbed 2 more of each color just in case he gets caught and has to give them back. He ran down the latter and quickly ran to his bed to put the two under his pillow besides a picture of Rarity. He ran back up to the latter and the box to close it but when he arrived he noticed that the jar looked the same, as if he didn’t take any of the candy in the first place. He pulled another to test, and the jar filled back up.
“Magic refilling, age changing gum balls!” Spike said in a escalating tone of excitement . As he put the box back he slowly made his way back down the latter again and stopped in the middle of the room.
Spike took a long look at the candy and thought to himself “I hope this doesn’t hurt.” As he took a big gulp of the blue candy biting its warm center. Smoke started to come from spikes mouth and drifts around his body, he closed his eyes in embrace for what lies ahead. About thirty seconds later Spike opened his eyes to see that he was looking at the room in a higher perspective. He looked at himself in his mirror and started to pose in glee.
Until he heard a knock at the door. Spike thought in terror “is Twilight back so soon?” but he soon calmed down and remembered she had a key and never knocks even if she leaves home without it.
“Who could be at the door,” Spike wondered, He yelled “Come in.” in a much deeper voice than usual. He was looking down at his new feet walking towards the door which he heard open followed by a gasp for air. As soon as spike looked up he too opened his mouth in awe. The pony at the door was Rarity herself. She was levitating a book that look to be one that Twilight had lent her on Stitching. It soon fell to the floor as both stood there looking at each other. Mouth agape.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- RedCharge · 6.5k words · 46 7 · 3.9k views
- Silver Hoof · 3.8k words · 47 4 · 2.7k views
- PieDisliker · 10k words · 12 1 · 967 views
- RedCharge · 1.9k words · 41 9 · 3.8k views
- jtylerg · 1.1k words · 29 6 · 2.6k views
- TheNix · 16k words · 23 7 · 1.5k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.084 seconds
Total duration
929 users online
1,232,903 hits today, 1,892,089 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Capitalize names. Spike and Twilight both got missed in the description alone.
might want to re-read this, I can spot a couple of spelling mistakes here and there. Apart from that, this isn't half bad.
...I barely know what to say. You've broken almost every single grammar rule I know at least once in this thing.
At least you remembered the rules about using paragraphs... that's a plus. You need to use commas & apostrophes and capitalize names. Many of your statements are redundant. "Spike thought in his head"? If he thought it, that means it was in his head. You also seem to switch between present and past tense.
There are also numerous sentence fragments. For example:
That's not a sentence. It should be part of the previous sentence.
You also need to space this out, both in terms of formatting and storytelling. When you start a paragraph, it looks nicer to press "enter" twice instead of just once. Also, while you do have descriptions of settings, it isn't enough. There's no emotional depth to this story.
Also, the last word in the story is wrong. The word you're looking for is "agape". An agate is a type of rock. I should also mention that that's another fragment that needs to be joined with the previous sentence.
@Jphyper
@Path_of_cloud
1156600 The @ doesn't work. If you want us to be notified that you posted a response to us, you have to hit the reply button located at the right top corner of the comment. You can also reply to more then one person at a time. Like so, 1156534.
1156633 ah i see. thanks.
1156693 Indeed. Also, Twilight needs capitalized in your description still.
I tried. Call me when it's fixed. Mmkay?
1156755 besides all the mistakes, story wise, should i continue?
1157058 I say continue.
1157058 If you can fix the mistakes and keep them fixed in future chapter, I don't see why not. The premises is good as I said, but your game needs upped.
I too am interested in seeing where this story is going, but make sure to fix the grammar mistakes. Adding more detail to setting, and maybe slowing down the pace of the story here and there might help a bit as well.
If you want, I'd be happy to help you grammar check your work before you release it, as well as help you a bit with some of the other problems your story has.
1156600 Take advantage of 1157634 offer. Proofreaders are the core to any good story, as well as incredible sources of useful advice and suggestions.
1157634 I'd like that. do you have a skype?1158186 thanks for the time and patients to help noobs like me.
1156765 i think its all better now.
now i wanna know whats gonna happen
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmgRid2UaMk]
The premise is certainly interesting. Glaring mistakes are due to grammar than actual story problems. I say continue.