All Angel wants is to eat a delicious looking carrot. It is his one wish, his dream since long ago. But as he shall learn, nothing is as easy as it should be. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash help and hinder his plans. The question remains, is it to be or not to be? Will Angel get the carrot? Or will his dreams be crushed?
Romance tag for a bit of Flutterdash shipping. This is my first fic, so any critique/advice is welcome! If you think it should be purged with the fire of a thousand dragons, 'needs improvement' will do.
Chapters (1)
Okay, I must say, this was absolutely random and totally deserves the random tag. You deserve a moustache.
First thing... RainbowDash is two words
I noticed that near the top of the fic...
This came accross as a short funny fic. Angel bunny is always a good comedy character.
I liked the Flutterdash shipping and I can garuntee you that if you continue writng Flutterdash I'll keep reading everything you write
I think also deserves the Random tag
These teenage girl references made me want to punch something.
I swear, if you said YOLO in that story, I don't know what I would of done.
1147663 thank you!
1148187
1148279 thanks, fixed it, i'll be sure to write more of them for you! and thanks!
1148691 hehe..yeah...
It has been a while since I reviewed anything...a long while but hopefully my absence from the act of reviewing will not hinder the review of this here story and that the words I shall type here shall help you with your writing of both this story and any you plan for the future. First things first, I happened to notice that this story has not had many comments or views and that it is also a story featuring FlutterDash. This lead me to think of a way I may help you gain more views, and that is by adding your story here to two FlutterDash groups that I happen to be a part of. Of course, I would rather ask permission to add this story to any group that I belong to on this site and so before I begin my review I would like to ask, am I allowed to add this story to two FlutterDash fanfiction groups here on Fimfiction.net?
This one-shot is short, simple, and well made, perfect for a first fanfic for any author. Setting it apart from most author's first fanfics is the surprising strength of style that your writing possess. I cannot put a name on the style of writing or currently describe it but it feels fresh, unique, your narration has character which grips the reader. Your simple plot becomes a tale of intrigue and interest simply on how you execute it, and thanks to the plot being simple the mind does not have to worry about understanding any complex twists or hidden messages, it just takes in the information it hungers for in peace. Your writing shows off its many strengths several times in this story, it's poetic abilities, descriptive vocabulary, manner of describing, and humorous implementation of a repeated joke but thanks to the shortness of the story none of this becomes repetitive or overdone, and maintains all the charm it can muster without any going to waste. I enjoyed seeing my third favourite character, Angel Bunny, in a pivotal role, and my favourite pairing just so happens to be FlutterDash so of couse I was pleased that it was included in this story. Both inclusions offered to the story though, Angel's for obvious reasons but his character also fit the humour well (or is it the other way, that you wrote the humour to fit Angel Bunny), and the FlutterDash moments furthered the levels of both cuteness and hilarity that the fanfic already had. Descriptions were strong, uniquely written, and occasionally humorous, and speaking of humour though not all the jokes were as well executed as others they in general provided some good laughs.
Criticism is something I try to provide for all my reviews and even a first fanfic is no exception. First off, as someone has already pointed out, Rainbow Dash is two words, not one. Pointing out another word error is the fact that makeupped is not even a word. Some of your words appear to be placed into the story simply to show off your higher vocabulary, and while nice to see don't really fit much of a purpose and sometimes even over describe an action. As another reader has already pointed out some more description on Fluttershy's house being wrecked would have been appreciated as the first time reading this I actually found that moment hard to follow and more, clearer description would benefit this scene. Finally one line doesn’t appear to be spaced out from the before line enough making the presentation look a little odd, it’s the one which starts, “Oh…I don’t know…” .
Regardless of the fact that this is your first fanfic, this here one-shot is terrific. It's well written, strong in style and vocabulary, offered me plenty of laughs and I found it to be enjoyable for personal reasons as well such as my love for FlutterDash and Angel Bunny. It could be better, yes, but having finished this left me more than satisfied and I'm certainly pleased to have taken the time to read this. Superb job, keep up the great work!
this thing is really quite random. hahaha! made me laugh!!! great work and MOAR MOAR MOAR!!!!!
1235362 so...many..words...!
yes of course you may add this to your groups, i'd love that, thank you!
I promise to finally get around to adding more the house wrecking scene, and i'll try not use too many unnecessarily fancy phrases...what can i say? i like big words.... Ah but that was an excuse, i shouldn't have written that...so no more excuses, your criticisms are spot on and much appreciated!
thank you so much for the review!
(edit) I updated the explosion scene, what do you think?
1247009 thank you!
I think this story is really good! This is an awesome start for you!
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I shall read the rest later since I am busy again. But, a like and a favorite for you! (Also watch
I will comment my thoughts about it after I read it.
I loved the wacky, never-takes-itself-too-seriously narration style of this. Made what would have normally made for a dull story, very enjoyable to read.
1251290 Thank you! and thanks for the watch! i promise to FINALLY get around to writing more!
1254300 Thank you, youve got me down perfectly!
Well, that was odd. The only things that bugged me were the references to other ponies even though this story is from Angel's perspective. Somehow I doubt that he'd know too much about them. Other than that it was... odd. Enjoyable, but odd.
Well.
It would be illogical to read this and say nothing of it.
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I expect great things from you....
-plays the skyrim theme-
1915544
DATS WUT U GIT ANGEL, U HORIBL BUNY!