My writing slowly improves, I believe. I hope to be an even better writer tomorrow. Feel free to join my Discord.
Human in Equestria16,981 stories ·16,825 members
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He smiled slyly at me. "Well, what do you wish for?".
I smiled back, and, slurring my words, answered, "I wish to be a pony in Equestria,".
"Consider it granted," he said. "Just close your eyes,".
"If you say so," I shrugged, and closed them. I felt his finger touch my forehead.
Inspired by the story Trust Once Lost, by Greenhorne
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Well, the writing could use some practice, but that will come over time at it, I do like the premise of the story with a guy struggling with his previous drug addictions along with his chronic anxiety issues in life (I perfectly understand the feeling), and how he want to turn a new leaf in life but his mental issues if preventing him from enjoying this new chance and will probably be struggling with not falling into old habits a lot. I am looking forward to see what you will come up with for this story.
Also, if you are looking for another cover art, I am open for commissions, you might have seen my work around without realizing it; just PM me if you wish to to discus this further. Here is the link to my DA gallery: https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
I wish you good luck on your story.
10049804
Yeah, my writing does need a lot of improvement. It doesn't help that I have a really bad habit of freewriting. So bad that I actually started writing this without a clear idea of what I wanted to do with this. But I have an ending I want to get to now, I just don't know how I'm going to get there, other than a bunch of general ideas for plot points. But this isn't going to be something that goes on forever.
I must say I'm flattered, though I hardly invented the concept of spontaneous pony transformation
I'll be following this story closely. A decent start, but you might want to make the chapters a bit longer - if you're releasing content in a serial format you want to have the reader feel like there's some kind of progression in each chapter. Ideally each chapter will have it's own mini story arc; a series of events building up to the end of the chapter which has some kind of resolution or escaliation. You want each chapter to feel satisfying when they finish it.
Grammar wasn't too bad, but try to get a proofreader or feed it through an AI proofreading service - those are tools every writer should use.
10050913
Your advice on chapters makes a whole lot more sense than what I was thinking a chapter should be. I've always been thinking of a chapter as a transition rather than a mini-arc, which would explain why, when I write, my chapters struggle to even break a thousand words. It will be advice well taken.
Also, on grammar, the way I write just makes it seem like I have the worst grammar possible when it's mostly intentional. I guess it sounds better in my head than it looks on paper. I can get that cleaned up.
Was protagonist turned into colt?
10051333
Yes
This is an interesting start. I could always use more content like this, and I really liked the inspiration story, well really like since it isn't over yet.
10050934
chapters are a hard thing to deal with, it may be easier to instead of trying to write a chapter write a scene. so like one general location and one thing that happens there, and then string those scenes together thematically into chapters, of course one chapter may just have one single scene or it could contain ten, so there is still a lot of leeway in this advice. There isn't a single right way to write a story, but the guidelines exist for a reason, they work and because they do you can mimic them. I freewrite all of my stories and while it presents its own challenges it doesn't make it less valid. Free write, or plotting are both valid writing strategies they just require different second steps to completing them. With free writing you really need to make a second pass of a partial rewrite partial heavy edit so as to make sure it makes sense and stays sort of on topic.
Nice chapter, good to see an update so soon, it is certainly off on an interesting start, and I do fine his backstory very interesting as being a homeless drugger certainly, who is not entirely sure if he is dreaming or not and certainly added a lot worrying implication for him, which certainly adds a lot of issues about him if he is doubting his own senses or if he is actually dying for an overdoses, which sadly the former seems all to much likely. I wonder if it was only recently became homeless of if it has been going on for a while now. I do like the introspection he is doing in the moment and he does seem to genuinely want to leave his past behind especially his drug addiction, which sadly it will probably follow him still until he gets proper treatment for it and I am not sure if the ponies really have the means to help him for his needs. I would guess that he would be taken in for a foster home and be grilled about where he comes from or if Equestria is that laxed maybe just taken in by a family without crown over site. From the tages it doesn't sound like he will going to Ponyville or meet any of the Mane six as much as his bronyness would love too, I hope he will handle the disappointment , if that is the case. I would wonder how he got into MLP and how he deal with it in his previous life, I would guess, that it was a way to cope with his personal issues or at least ignore them. Well being a colt, he will probably get some really help and support at least, I would be curious to see how he will learn magic in this world.
The spiteful jinn is certainly an interesting way to get there, I would wonder if we will learn more about him later on in the story and why he picked a homeless dude to grant a wish, was it meant as an act of mercy, a prank, or did he had plans for him in the future?
As for the writing, I think you already showed a lot of improvement, so far, and I am happy to see this noticeable progress, keep it up.
10053875
Oh good! I'm glad you like what I've posted so far! I was a bit worried while writing this chapter. I was thinking that people might think nothing was happening in the story yet and lose interest. Although I did receive a couple of excellent tips on how to structure out chapters better, which certainly helped me work out this chapter a lot better than what I originally wrote. This was actually initially intended to be two chapters, broken up halfway through.
I do have a general in my head for where I want this story to go, probably out to eight or nine chapters in the future, as well as a whole lot of ideas I want to put into the story. I've also been thinking about the general idea I want for my resolution, but this early, its way, way, way, way, waaaaaaaaay too far out in the future to be anything more than an idea.
so my thought is that he isn't as free of drugs as he may think he is and that his body is withdrawing from them which would explain the anxiety and general clumsiness, when I'm going through withdrawal symtoms (my head meds are super particular about when I take them and if I miss by more than a couple of hours my body starts up with withdrawal symptoms) they are ubtle enough it took me months to figure out what what happeneing to me.
10054458
That might be the case. We'll have to wait and see!
Enjoying the story so far.
For constructive critisism; grammar is excellent now, didn't see any issues. Pacing is something you might want to focus on, and perhaps a bit more descriptive imagery. You don't have to go overboard with describing how everything looks, but you want to give the reader something sensory to latch onto.
Like, what did the hospital look like, what did it smell like, that sort of thing.
You can also develop the characters a bit, just in quick subtle ways. You don't know what other ponies are feeling in first person, but you can notice their expressions and tone of voice.
10059944
Do appreciate the advice. Will definitely take.
Damn nice start. Its good to see a human that suffered greatly get a second chance. A change for the better if he works hard for it.
Ok this is harh. To be in a foal body without anything is quite the mess but as long the human mind can overcome its pony weakness its going to work out.
Otherwise its finished rather quickly...
Nice start. To bad its to be continued at this point. Lets see what he can make out of himself. Cant get worse at this point
Check the moon next time he can look at it. Is Nightmare Moon on it or is she free and returned to Luna. Quite important to guess if its preseries start. Ponyville-
Without plot armor i would avoid it unless your older. Hes not a main character of the show. Would be sad if he ends up to be a Timberwolf meal.
Sorry I somehow didn't notice the new chapter, you seem to publish at weird hours dude. Over, all this is an even bigger improvement in your writing skills, you managed to give Leo a excellent backstory with a personality to mach and his personal struggles overcome before he can truly enjoy being in Equestria. I do like that he is struggling of Leo discerning what part of him is his colt's body's talking or his drug addled mind, I would really leave to wonder where the real self lie between them, which leads to a lot of soul searching for him. You seem to have all covered the basis of what would be expected for a lost colt would have to go though and is being medically treated accordingly. congratulation you are making good progress in your writing, keep it up.
10063234
10062353
Thank you for the kind words! Although, as for my publishing times, it's usually 11pm Chicago time on weekdays and 6pm on weekends, mostly because I work all day.
Very nice chapter. But his mind seem to be devided by 3 aspects: Foal , human logic &
human selfhate/depression.
Apperantly hes having a mental tick to torture himself.
I hope he get rid of that ones he get positiv influence trough familie, friends and environmental support.
10069771
Well from the looks of things he doesn't want to fall in the same traps of his old habits which had destroyed his previous life, through action fully of his own, he had which he knows full well that it is way it too easy to fall back into them. He knows that he needs to break these destructive habits if he ever hope's really take full advantage for his restart in life, and what he knows he had's it already way better then what he had before, he knows that he can't afford to screw it up again through his own making because of his addictive predispositions. At the moment as you said his sort of maturer adult mind is in a three way struggle between his previous self image that he wants for himself, his unfamiliar foal body, and his old drug addle habits, which he constantly has to manage.
Awesome chapter, I do love how you portray his struggles with personal demons of his previous life all the while trying to keep them his secrets from the ponies of his origins, that is a lot of problems that he has to deal with for a child/colt. The funny thing is that I fully expect him to start blabbing about himself the moment that he starts talking to a social worker or psychologies, simply because of his foal mind instinct to automatically want to trust any care taker or authority figure that he feels comfortable with along with the innate need for attention from them, that is going to be funny to see how he screw up on that front. On the other hand he might just try to get to the pills on his own in secrete and break into the cabinet to get it, though he would get easily caught for it. I do like how the medical specialist are misreading the situation completely at the moment and will likely quickly pick up on his wants and needs easily enough and manage to manipulate him easily enough, as long as he doesn't pick up on it, which he will take some time to realize it at least; and then when that happen things will likely get more complicated, but I go with the premise that people/humans are far from being as smart or self aware as they things they are. I am sure they will guess that the wounds is self inflicted right from the start. Also children will automatically lie to strangers if they think they are in fear of danger of punishment even if it is in their long term benefit to come clean the moment it is revile, they will keep on digging themselves deeper enough. That would probably be an issue he will have to tackle with sense he knows that if he lies too much he will risk losing trust and might not get be believed his outlandish truth when he can't avoid it enough. I do wonder what are the medical professional think of him, I think they might guess that he has a psychological addiction even his his medical test should's nothing. I would guess that if they do find out what his origins are they would either try to dissuade him of that or do a follow up investigation on him to see if anything he says it true, or they use his knowledge of the show in his treatment, like easily enough getting him to meet , or just see the princesses, at a royal court session to inspire him maybe; I would wonder if their his a princess cult that has bible clubs of sort, as being seen. They could take him see a Wonderbolt show and get a autograph of RD or go to the Canterlot boutique to see Rarity's clothing if they think that is his thing and is a way to get him to behave like a proper colt, of even just visit Shy's animal sanctuary as the easier way, and cheapest'; the Mane Six don't actually need to be in the story, and to be honest I think he are beneath their notice. I am personally prefer the deception of expectation Vs. Reality premise which are the most fun to play with. Then again this could also be part of the this Jinny's misinterpretation of the wish as he could have been sent at any point in time of Equestria's history though it is likely fairly close to the show time line. I am very much looking forward to the next chapter then.
10069902
Way to fuck long for 1 comment... Might break it into two next time... Slightly harsh to read...
Dont think 'your world is a kids entertainment show in my world' will get anything good following him...
I would love to see the doctors clipboard. Maybe ask Anon3mous1 for help. Would be a great chapter.
okay how did I posted to this by mistake? Oh well I’m going to read this too.
10070465
I should let you know, Trust Once Lost is not a story that I wrote
10070385
I have been considering that, but I didn't want it to seem like I was just straight copying him. It felt like the line between inspiration and stealing ideas.
Good chapter, I do have to wonder if there are any nurses in this hospital though. The doctor seems to be doing everything.
10070465
I think you commented on the wrong story, lol.
Or you just got the protag's name wrong.
10070667
It's a very small town, and a very empty hospital. They have other nurses, but they're never all on duty at once because of how few ponies they normally see. It's normally just once receptionist and one doctor at a time in 8 hour shifts, unless something big happens.
10070650
Well it more than enough to get a clipboard noted with general situation and notes like without that professional stuff just a simpel detailed report :
Physical traits of the Patient(coat color, weight total/or if he looks under weight, estimated age etc.), his injuries and general health condition. Than mental state like his extream distress and missing trust for other ponys and observed behavior like the refusal of any help. And lastly what is planed for him: Foal protecion service, foal mental specialists needed etc.!
10071119
Let me see what I can do
10071563
Thanks for the effort.
You don't have to worry about people thinking you're copying me. Honestly, it's more similar to something from the fic that inspired my fic https://www.fimfiction.net/story/35763/7/oh-to-be-old-again/interlude-1-intake-report-initial-assessment
I like it simpel yet genius.
That a nice situation report.
This MC has seriouse problems... He is his own worst enemy... Pretty pointless by now... Lets see were this is going. Hope he starts being less rude...
When do they start on treating his mental problems i wonder. 1 - 2 days i guess.
nice story so far! excited to see more.
Sorry to comment so late, I was extremely busy with class work. Also the chapter was awesome, I love how you showed hos his past was like that it was drugged through no fault of his own and that he had his friend to share it with and that she was the one who made his discover MLP in the first place. I wonder what got his hook in the show in the first place and I wonder if it had helped him in someway, before left into the streets: maybe it did convince him to be clean at one point and get his life back together or his efforts was too little too late when he actually tired, or maybe seeing how his girl friend left him because she had change and he didn't broke things for him and only got him even deeper into drugs but worst.
I do like the part with the Doc, and I loved how Leo tried his best to resit temptation as long as he could, and seeing him getting pissy because of it was interesting and I am sure there will be consequences for this.
Keep up the good work.
That is Medical for "We're about to disembowel you & fill the hole with pain"
Good to see him fighting his negative behavor and to see he gets the help he needs. Good character development. Ones hes out im curiouse what his colt life will be like and what he becomes later on.
Well, the writing is certainly improving in the character dept. Looks like I do like how Leo is just not really thinking at the moment merely reacting at this point which is perfectly understandable seeing that he is suffering from psychological drug withdrawal. I do like the this psychologist so far, she certainly knows how to make leo run around in rings in forcing him to interact with him and answer by pulling unexpected questions at him. I wonder if she finds it odd that she can interact with Leo at the level of a teenager which his vocabulary is a lot wider then what wold be expected for a 5-6 year old, by human standards at least, there is just no telling how fast ponies reach maturity in this world so our standards are just not applicable. I wonder if she thinks it is odd that Leo doesn't like hay, at least having such trouble eating it, despite being a staple of pony diet, as if he was a neglected foal he probably would have supplemented his diet with hay by just going outside and eat grass, through that would also leave to wonder why he doesn't want to eat oatmeal and salad being much more nutritious for him and tastier, what would the doc guess from his supposed pony family if it's obvious that he isn't in the habit of eating such things as cheap and plentiful as they are in Equestrial. I do like how Leo supposed human dignity(his super Ego) is being completely assaulted by his foal mind (the IT) and is being manipulated into following doc's advice. Though I wonder what he else they have in mind to do a stealth psych evaluation on him though evaluation from him, play games, puzzles, and such along with evaluating his reaction in certain situations. I wonder when Leo will do his own probing in understanding where he is in Equestria and what is the general state of things of thing there, or anything that actually involves pony culture? I will be looking forward to see Leo interacting more with more ponies around him.
10082991
10082724
My original idea for this chapter (and for how Doctor Spark would be portrayed) was not nearly as good, and was going nowhere fast. It was so bad that I had to completely scrap it and start over. Although, depending on how long it takes to write the next chapter, I might put it out there just to show how different it was going to be
10083105
Oh and what was so different about her back then, I wonder?
10083152
Well, for starters, Doctor Spark was gonna be a guy...
Great chapter - the one gripe I have is that that isn't the way you ask those sort of questions to a five year old.
A five year old probably won't know what 'inappropriate' means in this context and may not even have a concept of killing or death.
It would be more like "has anypony ever touched you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable or scared?" and "have you ever felt like you didn't want to be alive anymore?" and asking the child to explain to you what the questions mean to make sure they understood, so you can explain it differently if you need to.
10083443
Oof. Oops. That's why I'm not a psychologist. Also, is it okay if I took your suggestion and (slightly) change the way these questions are asked? I don't wanna feel like I'm stealing if I do
10083474
No worries. I'm enjoying the story greatly.
No, it wouldn't be a 5 year old's fault.
It might be a 15 year old's fault
It's difficult to tell what's being said aloud as opposed to thoughts sometimes. It might be a an idea to have a consistent way to format them. I tend to use italics and start a new line for thoughts as opposed to writing them as direct speech - there's many other ways to do it though, there's no set convention.
Looking forward to seeing where this goes.
I do see what you mean about what's being said aloud now that you mention it, and I'll work to make that more clear. Although, typically (around 95% of the time), if it's in italics and it's not a new line, its speech unless otherwise indicated, and if it is a new line, it's a thought. This rule is usually how I distinguish multiple lines of italics or multiple lines of plain text without saying "I thought" or "I said/told" on every other line. I especially use this when writing "she said", "I thought", and "I said" segments, which in most cases I would structure as plain text, italics, plain text.
10083443
Very good point. Since im a reader i forget to see it from a non readers character view!
10083474
Pretty sure we giving constructiv critic for a reason. I recommend to change it when your time allows it.
He will need this childhood/foalhood to get over the issues hes dealing with. Im wonder what way he will choice ones hes over it.