(Pre-season 9)
If a better world was in reach for you, if you could reach someplace that was better if it meant leaving behind everything you've ever known, would you take that chance?
A new pony arrives in Ponyville, someone kind of odd, but nice enough. At the same time, Twilight's discovered a disturbance in the fabric of reality. But these two events couldn't possibly be connected...right?
Cover art created by NixWorld
HOLY SMOKES, I GOT FEATURED! (4/30/20) Thanks, everybody!
(And again on 5/4/20!)
(Again on 5/14/20)
Chapters (15)
Some of the dialogue is... stilted, but it's a good start.
A pegasus named Swift Wing who is faster on his hooves than flying? Twilight would have wondered about that.
10110263
Could you give me an example? I'm always looking for ways to improve.
10110480
Fair enough.
10110559
The Emotion and a tiny bit of pacing is off is all, to the point it feels more like exposition. A good Idea when writing is after completing a basic conversation is to try to imagine how it goes, emotionally and speed, and then edit it to adjust to those standards. No normal person quickly answers a question without emotion and thought times, body language, etc; try to lace more body language and emotions between phrases and quotes. Someone could probably do better than me since I'm pretty mediocre at writing, but I edited the conversation below as an example, feel free to use it:
TLDR;
-Show more body language and character emotion between quotes. Don't overdo this; after writing a conversation, re-read and re-pace it until it feels natural
-Show, Don't Tell
-Try to Imagine how the conversation would go between both Twilight and the MC, trying to imagine nuances such as subtle body language and response times.
A lot of pacing and general writing issues do appear a lot on fan fiction sites (Hell, even I'm guilty.) so keep in mind your in the same boat as everybody else. A lot of issues are simple to fix and easy to work over with writing. I recommend Ezn's Writing Guide, even if it's going on 7 years I believe, It is still extremely useful if you can't help yourself with an reoccurring issue, Though a lot I've brought up can easily be fixed by experience.
Overall with the story, the context has me wanting to read more and curious to read the next chapters. I'm looking forward to seeing Swift Wing, the Pegasus who doesn't fly's story throughout his stay in horse town. Stuck your story onto my tracking, and am anxious to see how this plays out.
10121142
Thanks for the feedback.
hum, could be a fun read, at least with the mystery angle, but would need more tension on what would be the danger of being discovered and are their any dangers of the guy staying in equestria?
10127857
The "danger" mostly comes from the fact that he doesn't want them to know what he really is, because he's afraid they'll send him back. Why he's afraid of that has yet to be revealed.
They never seem to consider the fact that the creature that came in might not want to be found or return to their own world.
Loving the story so far! I can't wait to see where this goes!
Interesting start, Im looking forward to more.
The Monk
“A spider’s got to spider.” -Scarheart
Damn, this is a really good story
hmmm, if it were me I would have asked someone a bit lower on the radar than Rainbow, probably someone like Thunderlane or Flitter, hmm... maybe derpy would be a good choice to learn the basics if she dosent ask too many questions. Though knowing derpy she'd probably understand being a clumsy flier enough to keep it to herself
Im really liking how this story is going. Very good job so far. Just don't fall into the meme of having the hero spilling the beans about being a human and knowing the future, and how they are nothing but a TV Show. Too many writers go this direction, and to be honest, that is probably the dumbest thing you could do in that situation. You would become such a national security weakness that the Princesses couldn't risk anything other than house arrest in one of the lower basements of the castle. I don't understand why no one sees this problem.
Anyway, Kudos on avoiding the "wakes up in the Everfree and fights timberwolves/manticore schtick. So in short, Great Job, And Im Looking Forward To More
The Monk
"Knowledge is power and power corrupts, so study hard and be evil." - Reykan
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Don't worry, he's not the type to spill even if they figure out what he is.
I have a real good feeling that the man was Discord..
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He wasn't, sorry.
Going good so far. I look forward to the next chapter.
10189897
Then I guess I've read too much with Discord as that sort of character.
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they see it they just hand wave it away for the sake of plot armour
10178245
if you keep this promise you will be my favourite author ever
10156797
True they didn't think of it, but that's probably because the risk of it being something actually dangerous or lost/scared wanting to go back home is more important to consider. Note how she didn't say anything about actually sending it back, so at least she seems to start with a diplomatic view of it.
Nice chapter, little typo here though.
He doesn't have hands any more.
10202982
Good catch.
There are natural portals to equestria, and those transform anything that passes to a equestrain version, being pony or other i thing, this may be before the cruise for twilight not to know this, or in this universe the portals enver happend, and the girls will die in the cruise when it happens XD.
10209337
Yeah, I was gonna discuss that in the next pony-centric chapter.
I am just on chapter 4 and I love it!!!
Keep it up and I’ll continue reading rn!!!
Wow!!! Love it!!!
Can’t wait for the truth to be found, at the same time it’s kinda scary.
AaaaaaAH This is so good!! I can't wait for the next chapter!!
The characters aren't walking clichés, they're obviously able and not just hotheads running face first into confrontation or paranoïa, following logic with a clear objective.
Sounds easy, but this is where most stories fail.
You're doing good, it's really enjoyable and I can't wait to see the next chapter.
10209436
Well if they handel the truth the way they've been handling this investigation and keep the same open mind, then it should be fine.
Could be a freakin' stone for all they know. The only thing they're sure of is that something pierced the dimensional barrier, nothing else. In my honest opinion, they jumped a bit quick into "it's a creature", after less than a minutes speculation.
Now, this doesnt mean it's a bad thing, though I believe it could have been developed more.
10212029
I guess my logic on that is how does a rock get through a dimensional barrier? Like, did someone throw it and it just happened to hit a weak spot?
oooohhhhh, this is getting good!
Keep it up my dude!
The delivery of this story is generally good. It flows well. It reads easily.
But I do have some reservations about the premise. What exactly the the central _problem_ in this story? We have a person with a troubled past of which we know almost nothing. He is in Equestria now, away from whatever those troubles were, and everybody is being nice to him. Twilight and company are worried about something having come through the barrier between worlds, but we the audience know that the protagonist is what came through.
So what is the problem that these characters now seek to overcome?
Well, Swift Wing has no problems, really. He left them behind on Earth. Sure, he had some adapting to do, but he has a job and a place to live, he's managed to blend in, he's getting flight lessons...the only real problem he has is that he apparently feels the need to keep his background a secret. And Twilight and company don't really have any problems either, because as soon as Swift Wing lets them know that he's what came through the barrier instead of a world-conquering monster...they no longer have anything to worry about. Or rather, they already don't have anything to worry about, but they just don't know it yet like the reader does, because Swift Wing isn't talking.
And that's just it.
The problem in this story...is simply that the protagonist isn't talking. If he would simply open up to these ponies that he 1) already knows, 2) likes well enough to abandon Earth to come be with them, 3) has already had it verified that they're friendly and helpful and accepting...if he would simply talk to them then his problems about keeping his background a secret would go away, and everypony else's problems about not knowing what came through the barrier would go away. And what reason does he have to not talk to them? The only erason that's been implied by the story is that he has some sort of vague fear based on the past that they might "think he's a loser" and "ditch" him. A fear that has only been loosely inserted after six chapters, a fear that is completely unsubstantiated by anything that has actually happened in the story, a fear that Luna has twice now shown up to let him know that she stands ready to assist with. Why isn't he talking?
This story is essentially a variation on an Idiot Plot. Every problem in the story would instantly vanish if this guy would simply spend 30 seconds telling Twilight what's going on. And the only reason he has to not do that...is to keep the story going.
10216851
You raise some good points.
The problem that needs to be overcome is mostly Swift's internal problems. I've only really hinted at the truth as to why he decided to completely abandon his entire world for Equestria. As to why he doesn't just tell the ponies about that...well, Swift, if i didn't make it one hundred percent clear already, has a hard time opening up. There's a reason I still haven't shown his Cutie Mark. He's on friendly terms with some of the Mane Six, but he wouldn't call them real "friends" at this point. More like "friendly acquaintances." Not to mention, he's terrified that if they find out what he is, they'll force him to go back whether he wants to or not. Granted, there may not be a real basis for that fear, given that Sunset Shimmer got away with ditching her entire universe in this world. But Swift comes from our world, and in real life, would you really consider somebody who ditched their entire universe to be a good person?
10216889
I think I would be fairly ambivalent to it. Doing it wouldn't "make them" a good person. But it wouldn't make them a bad person either. People move to new cities all the time. Sometimes people move to different countries and starts their lives over. Is an American who decides to teach English in China a bad person because they're leaving behind their birth country and people they know? No, I see no problem with this. What's wrong with leaving behind a universe?
But at the same time he's also gone directly to Rainbow to ask for flying lessons, he's nonchalently accepted going on a lunch date with Rarity, you've had him very assertively go charging in to ask questions of Fluttershy, he's stood up to Luna twice now...it's not like the guy is shy or scared of ponies or confrontation. Overall I get the impression that he just doesn't like himself very much.
Then why is he staying in Ponyville and delberately hanging out with the Mane Six? He clearly knows the show. If he's not a complete idiot he should realize that if anypony is going to out him, it's going to be exactly these ponies. Or Discord, who also hangs out in Ponyville.
If he's so terrified of this, why do you have him doing exactly the thing that will inevitably result in him being found out, when all has to do is go anywhere else?
10216951
Yeah, that's pretty on point. Swift has some serious self-esteem issues.
Okay, I can't argue with that one. My reason for putting him in Ponyville was just that he happened to be close enough, but that doesn't excuse it. I should've had him plan to save up to move to Manehattan or something.
10216962
But...you can't have him do that, right? Because the story that you wanted to write was him becoming friends with the Mane Six and then through the power of friendship, he overcomes his personal issues while they discover that the thing they've been worrying about was never really a threat and oh-by-the-way Princess Luna knew all along because she saw what he was in the dream world on day one but decided to give him the space that he needed to heal, so he never needed to worry either. So we end up with symmetry between the two plot threads, because both ponies and human spent their entire time worrying over a problem that was never a problem.
That was the plan, right?
I'm not sure how that happens if he moves to Manehatten. And it probably won't be very satisfying for either you as an author to suddenly scrap the premise mid-story and write about something that wasn't what you wanted to write, or for us as readers to see him suddenly change his whole plan and walk away from the relationships he's started to form.
Your delivery is good. The writing is fluid. This makes a very easy read. But this premise you've delivered seems like it's painted you into a corner.
I mean...hey, if you have a plan that makes everything work...ok, great! But this just seems like the kind of setup that probably ends with us readers becoming increasingly frustrated as we watch a protagonist spin in the circle of being the cause of his own problem for no reason while refusing to act in a manner that makes sense given the problem he's created for himself.
That wasn't exactly the plan, no. Luna hasn't looked into his mind deep enough to know what he is, and I had a different sort of ending in mind. Maybe it won't be as satisfying as that. I'm not gonna have him go back to our world, but hopefully it'll be more interesting.
10216889
It depends. Under certain circumstances, I wouldn't blame 'em.
10218087
I have to agree, and this can be, in essence, just him moving to another place but in this case its a one way trip.
oh lord, one doozy coming up!
Quick, Swift! Get out of town! Your grandmother is sick. In Baltimare. Yes. Emergency!
I am very interested in this story. I have been looking for something with a setting much like this one and I have to say Boltstrike58, you have written this expertly. I look forward to seeing what will happen next.
I'll be sure to check out your other stories.
Ooh, boy. Twi's closing in and now Discord's on the trail too.
At this point it's just a matter of time.
Very nice chapter this time. I enjoyed it.
Though I do have one curiosity/nitpick. You've read the comics and I can see you taking heed of the reflections arc, but are you familiar with the show it was influenced by? Fringe? Regardless, in the comics, it makes nods to the cortexiphan trials which led up to william bell and walter bishop finding out about the parallel earth.
I'm not sure how much of that happened in equestria, but I don't think it's too far fetched to say that something similar could have prompted swirly to look at alternate dimensions (considering there's an observer present in the comic).
It makes me wonder if starswirl discovered the universe of origin resonance marker (mentioned in this chapter) on his own, or if he had help from bell and bishop.
This is mostly just me rambling about head canon, but I want to if it's something you considered. Seeing what happened in fringe, what with reality breaking apart at the seams due to an imbalance of universal matter, it would make sense if the hunting party would be seriously worried about that if they read any hypothesis' on long term effects in some obscure research paper twi's bound to have referenced and checked.
(Again, I'm not too fresh on that particular comic arc, so swirly could very well have managed and done everything solo, but I'm not convinced he did absolutely everything without help. So if I'm mistaken, I blame old knowledge.)
Awesome chapter, I'm excited to see where you go with this.
10234421
I THOUGHT I'D NEVER FIND ANOTHER FRINGE FAN ON THIS SITE. (By the way, has anybody ever crossed that show over with MLP?)
Anyways, yeah, the idea of different universes vibrating differently was brought over from Fringe. I'm not gonna bring over the universes destabilizing thing, but it's an interesting idea. It might work in a similar story, but not in the story I'm trying to tell.
10234518
A few tried in 2012, but they never uploaded after that. I love fringe, it was such a good show, and has such a crossover potential, but nobody really kept interest I guess.
I know that a destabilized universe wouldn't work here, but it would make sense if twilight freaked out about the possibility before being reminded that the universe has had things cross over before. And with beings so powerful and aware of the fabric of the universe, they would have both A, noticed it, and B, stopped it and fixed it before any major damage could happen.
Fringe I think actually made me as interested in quantum mechanics and other fringe sciences as I am today, and really made me the person I am.
I'd love to see a crossover/story about it in the future. I was actually thinking about writing "The cortexiphan trials" mentioned in the comics after I did a little digging for references from the comics, but I'm not a very experienced writer, nor am I consistent with motivation and discipline (or time to actually write these days)
Maybe if one of us decides to take the plunge and just write it, we could work together?
10234553
I guess. What were you thinking? Like ponyfied Cortexiphan trials? Or like young Olivia warps to Equestria?
10234601
Ponified trials, I think trying to match what might have ended up happening to lead up to the references we get in the comics would probably be best, then go from there. Not quite sure which time period it was in though, I don't remember off hand where the reference was, I'll have to re-read the comic arc.
This reminds me of a fic that I can't remember the name of that was good a long time ago:
As here you had a human come to ponyville who didn't know how to do pony things and learned them. He managed to have a good relationship with the rest of the mane 6 after a really awkward/shy beginning.
You had an investigation by Twilight into it, and when she found him, she found it really odd that he didn't want to go back home.
She tried to force him to go home, but he managed to run and started a new life elsewhere in Equestria.
Twilight was obsessed, and managed to chase him down eventually ruining his life a second time.