I'm a beginner writer and I hope being here will help improve my writing skills.
It's the day of Hearth's Warming Eve. Twilight is preparing for the holiday when a surprise guest comes to her house. It turns out to be Princess Luna and she wants to spend Hearth's Warming Eve with Twilight and her friends. Twilight accepts and the two decide to have a slumber party! Little do the two of them know that a deep secret that both of them had will be revealed to each other. Will the secret bring them closer or tear them apart?
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First! Anyway, love the re-write, you should take away the original and keep the re-write.
1130123
Thanks for the read!
noted!
at first I was like
then I was like
finally I was like
oh and I think you should keep rewrite
Wow love it. And i vote you keep both chapters.
1130155
1130167
Thank you for the vote and the read!
Replace the original with the rewrite... It's so much better!
Also "my little love", eh? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
"Twilight had been given the secret diary from Princess Celestia when she was a young filly so that she could record new spells and potions without anypony getting their hands on them." Ponies don't have hands you goofball
. A very nice chapter though, I want moar!
A rewrite? You have earned yourself a follower. Any author who is as responsive to reader feedback and as dedicated to quality writing as you are is an author to keep an eye on. I'm looking forward to reading your other work as well.
Hmmm quite some changes, but yeah this is a little bit better.
Having two chapter 1s are just confusing i would recommend taking the old one down.
1130196
DANG IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for telling me!
1130197
Thank you very much!
1130207
Noted!
1130219 And that's without even reading said rewrite yet.
I loved both the original and the remake, the only thing missing in my opinion was the diary scene of the original other than that i say keep the remake.
Graham crackers*
Nice job on this rewrite, a lot more descriptive and there was some good pacing, instead of just showing up and falling asleep with little in between. Even if Luna totally blew it by just randomly calling Twilight "my love", nice job there
1130264
Yeah, I couldn't really find a place in the rewrite for it to be in there.
1130268
DAAAAAANNNGGGG IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for telling me.
And you'll see why she SEEMED to say it out of random!
First thing's first.
You raised my hopes and dashed them swiftly.
ONLY A RE-WRITE?!
Secondly,
encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQHsWjc3uKzrgnXjkNGJ5Lp7dFHzJ9nr7HOQTsiQwoG8OKnIQ_k
Although the first draft of chapter one was quite enjoyable and did suffice, the second draft (as my dear chap space guy so much more simply stated) did indeed surpass the first in all aspects.
Good day.
1130334
As I blogged, the second chapter is already being worked on don't worry. Have a smile!
This was noticably better. Keep this and delete the old, keeping both can cause confusion. Great chapter :)
Excellent Re-write! The pacing issue is fixed. Though, I have to say this. When You switched from Luna to Twilight, I got confused there, as its a jump from Luna's bedroom to Twilight's Library. I recommend adding in a Horizontal rule, or something so it lets us know that there is a scene break.
Other then that, I have to say this is 20% cooler then the orginal and should be the official First Chapter. I'll continue stalking you and this story for updates!
1130442
Thanks and keep a look out for chapter two!
Nice rewrite!!!
Random question that came to mind.
If I get rid of the first chapter does that also get rid of all of the views and favs? I know that sounds greedy but I need to know.
This version is vastly superior.
Couple of spelling errors, nothing that a reread can't fix. (I find it unlikely Twilight keeps a secret dairy to write in... How would you write in a dairy anyway!
)
Fantastic rewrite - I would advise keeping the rewrite and original for a short while longer, but to remove them after chapter 2 or 3 is uploaded... Makes it easier for people who faved to see the change. I advise you to keep the "(Rewrite)" tag though.
Excited already for Chapter 2!
ImmortalScientist
1130854
Thanks and the diary thing I just thought was a good idea. Well as they say,
you can't please everyone! But I can sure as heck try to please alot of people!!!!
1130123
Ahhhaahhahahahaha i love it..... oh and i need MAOR
1130881
Thanks! Oh and if everything goes to plan you will soon see why I didn't add the diary scene. HAHAHAHA!!! But seriously there is a reason why it is not in here! For some reason when I was rewriting it my brain kept trying to follow a new stoy line so a few thing are going to be different. Sorry about that!
At least you gave me an answer!
1131135
I'll do my best not to disappoint!
Keep both. Depending on where you go with these, you may want to keep both. However, if you can/want, you should write 2 AR stories that meet up together at the first date. The original had Luna ask Twilight out, correct? Then make this Part A and have end chapter 1 when Luna asks Twilight out or something.
i like this one more than the first one personaly, keep up the good work
while the original was good, the rewrite is much better and I firmly believe that there is no need for the original with the better version right here. I say keep this and dump the other.
The original was good. The re-write is mind blowingly amazing.
Dear lord... I am now torn... WHY!!!!!!!
1131456 I like your idea but so many people just want the rewrite.
Okay let me think...
... 
... 
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I might try to seperate the original to a new story if I can do that. Or since I have it saved I guess I can PM it to the people that want or like the original. That seems fair right?.... RIGHT?!?!?!?
1131648 That's kinda what I meant. Separate the 2 stories (i mean, if you want), and make one have the AR tag. Link the two to each other, and explain that one is AR of the other. Then, when the 2 plots join up (if they every do), have the AR one link to the original. Sound simple?
1131727
I thought that's what you meant but I wasn't 100% sure. Thank you very much for the suggestion!
The rewrite has many improvements as compared to the original but in my opinion, you should keep both. The original is, in itself, a beautiful moment just as much as the re-write has become, to lose one would be an act of denying access to a moment in time. ^^ So please, keep both up.
1131856
No problem! I'm always available if you ever need some advice, pre-reading, or criticism!
PM me if you need any help!
I mean this in no offence of course, but this is much better!
And if it's no trouble, MOAR, um, please?
1132138
Of course I'll make more!
I love the re-written chapter but I'd wish you kept the bit where she read her diary later on.
I think you should keep the original and continue the rewrite, or even possibly split it into two and keep both stpries going, because I would love to see what happens once Luna finds Twi's diary.
1132351
Shhhhh no spoilers!
Luna, expert at making things awkward!
2.bp.blogspot.com/-G4yRsYTG_tE/TsWA6P_qBSI/AAAAAAAAUkE/3YjfTJfcleY/s1600/85866+-+artist+negativefox+awkward+bed+fluttershy+lesbian+luna+shipping.jpg
1132455
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8pz1j3l5Y1qbpr81o1_400.jpg
1130257 this had Potential, now it has brilliance, I call for more!
Holy shit, expanded by two thousand words? Time to read
Wow, NICE rewrite. This is a lot better than the first.
Dat ending...