Midnight in the Garden of Misfit Foals

TCozy Shadows
MLP: FiM
Drama
Mystery
Slice of Life
Dusk Shadow has a great responsibility placed in front of him. But he has his family and others to help him. And he'll need it.
Profanity
OC
Main 6
CMCs
Cozy Glow
StubobNumbers · 7.5k words · 7 4 · 440 views

Dusk Shadow, inquisitive Pegasus, is on a journey to know why. Twilight Sparkle comes upon him late one night in the Royal Garden. Will this be the start of a journey?

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Comments ( 6 )

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StubobNumbers

StubobNumbers #1 · Oct 28th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Since this is my first story, I don't know how to add an author's note so here it is. This is my first fanfiction, and first writing since I was in HS almost two decades ago. Please leave feedback, and please try to be constructive with it.

Tael_Spinner

Tael_Spinner #2 · Oct 28th, 2019 · 1 · ·

It is well written. Particularly the back and forth between Dusk and Twilight. Would like to see where it went from there.

Now, you asked for some constructive feedback. And what I say next, you can take or leave. They are only suggestions after all and are in no way intended to insult or offend.

Sorry that it is rather long, thoughts popped up as I was reading your story.

One suggestion I have is that you have Twilight and Dusk look to each other a little more, like how you had Twilight look at the statue as Dusk emphasised a point he was making. Maybe a few more facial expressions to go with what they are saying.

Maybe when Twilight clears her throat on approach, have Dusk turn to look at her. He could be cringing as he does so, along with his flattened ears, to physically emphasise the point of him knowing he has been caught where he shouldn't be without having to state it overtly in either dialogue. Something like:

A softly cleared throat made Dusk Shadows ears lay back. Turning his head, he found a purple set of hooves. His eyes quickly followed them up and he cringed at being caught by the Princess, even though she looked on him with a neutral expression.
"I believe visiting hours ended several hours ago," said Princess Twilight Sparkle. "So, who may I ask is in my garden in the middle of the night?"

When Dusk exclaims in frustration, Twilight's attention should snap back to him. Then perhaps her expression calms as she continues to listen. Dusk probably doesn't see her do it, but your reader does.

You don't have to do that, but something like it would bring your reader physically into the scene a let them feel what the characters are feeling and thinking.

“Ms. Sparkle”, Dusk Shadow said as he walked right up to Cozy Glow and propped his forehooves on the base of the statue.

Probably should have Dusk get to his hooves in some fashion as he was sitting before walking. Maybe use it to emphasise his that's not good enough outburst?

“Ms. Sparkle”, Dusk Shadow said as he walked right up to Cozy Glow and propped his forehooves on the base of the statue. "I will find out who she really was". "Ms. Sparkle, my mum told me I have a purpose. To find what is hidden and bring it into the light". "I ask that you allow me this, and assist in any way you can with records". "I will find something. I must.”

The gaps between the small snippets of Dusk's dialogue could be used to get Dusk's expression/enthusiasm/exasperation across in a physical way.

Again, these are just suggestions and can be discarded if you feel they don't fit. It is your story and only you can truly tell it the way you want it to be told.

Mystic Sunrise