- Member Since 17th Mar, 2019
- offline last seen Mar 18th, 2022
Bernard
Old medically retired first responder and farmer with an urge to grow in a new direction.
Bernard
Joined 17th Mar, 2019 ·
Offline
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Bernard · 106k words · 45 9 · 737 views
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This is a very odd beginning to be sure.
Wow, Im floored, I really am. To be honest, I don't know what to say.
First I love many things about this story. First off, It was nice to see an Adult OC that wasn't sexually stunted or oblivious. Here was a character who had a real life mature outlook about romance and sex. It was so refreshingly different that It jumps out at you right off the bat. Also the characters are unique, creative, intelligent and respond in believable ways.
Then somewhere it all changed. The stories plot stops somewhere around Chapter Ten and it devolved into 6 solid chapters of zero plot line and everyone wanting to bang the character. Many of which barely know him. When it got to Celestia and Luna casually asking for a roll int the hay, I just gave up and stopped reading. I think it was somewhere around Chapter 16 or 17. I m sadly disappointed.
A fantastic start with a solid story and great characters, reduced to 6 + solid chapters of nothing but dull herd building. No action, no intrigue, no humor, no advancement of the story. I can't give it a thumbs up because I gave up on it, I won't give it a thumbs down because the first 8 or 9 chapters were fantastic.
Real shame.
The Monk
9714261
I'm sorry I disappointed you. One of my big goals is more equine like intelligent equines. So some treatment of estrus in mares is necessary. If you doubt its reality, google "marish behavior". Had you hung in a little longer there is political backlash and large threats to deal with. I did limit the estrus to once a year to keep it from eating the rest of the plot but herd building is an equine's primary activity. The real fun comes when somepony has to defend the herd.
i hope u continue this story
9716078
Two sequels in the works.
I have mixed feelings about this story. At the end it was like he lost all patience and hope, so much as not considering all good he could have done to his flock just being for them with them. In winning battle agains Celestia he lost, and this loss cost all his mares so much happiness, leaving ton of grief.
Liked it for casuality of pony piles, hugs and sex, routine of day to day, biology, magic, tech and humor. Not liked for bias for english language (why no japaness, italian or russian?), too fast love declarations, obvious Marty Stu, ending, also naming british colonizators of the Americas with slavery and genocide of natives "best people".
9716937
I'm going to stick to Texas accented English in my writing because that's the only language I know well enough and the parts of other languages I know are all technically oriented. I do make some effort to internationalize by things like using yards as a primary measurement because they translate to meters nearly one to one. I would be interested in translation help if you are available.
Re "best", I'm not grading morality, just effectiveness. Try graphing the wealth and power of the British Empire against that of the colonies (include them all) for an understanding of the interchangeability of "best" and "troublemaker" in this context. And being a troublemaker from a land of troublemakers, how do expect John to label it?
9717076
I am Russian and English->Russian translator. I find much more plausible situation if HiE would be some random language speaker with at least school level of english knowledge or even german or french as second language (remember organisations like XCOM). Just imagine you're in Equestria and all ponies speak only Japanesse or vise versa.
About "using yards as a primary measurement" almost all the world uses meric system, it's wery useful. For example, 1000mm = 1m = 1/1000 km; 1000 ml = 1 liter; 1 liter of water = 1 kg; 1m^3 of water = 1 tonn, etc.
About "best" - it was in context "best ponies". I don't think that bloody war for independence is really pony way.
9717199
You are forgetting magic. Magic brought him there and selected/adjusted for language as part of the package. He might actually be making any kind of sound but he hears and sees it as his native language because that was in the spell that brought him.
Check out pony history, especially the part about how Equestria was born.
9717248
So in other words Celestia did cast spell "summon my own Marty Stu"?
Why did you make him so dumb and selfish in the end? His frustration with Celestia was more important for him than happiness of all other members of his circle combined.
Also it's mildly annoying that Blueblood being stereotypical villain in so many stories. All this based on single episode when he brushed off Rarity - for him she was one of hundreds if not thousands power huntresses, she even herself didn't see in him anything but his rank, no common interests even. I would see in him annoying, bratty but loyal ally. I recommend to read https://www.fimfiction.net/story/18087/the-best-night-ever
9719884
This conversation would probably go better if you read the story instead of just scanning it. He sacrificed centuries of his life, his band, and his happiness to defeat the demons. When he is forced to choose between personal happiness and the safety of Equestria his Oath won't let him make any other choice.
9720095
I actually did read all and see here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_dilemma
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Interesting
9804954
That is the goal, correct?
9805181
Yes
So, was he in the military at some point? Or was that just him acting to scare the mares? I can’t tell.
A little fast. This chapter was very fast actually. And now I understand what his rank was for.
and arreeee me need more ...
9812857
There is more. https://www.fimfiction.net/story/446926/john-sampson-returns
Just getting well under way.
I've been going through the chapters, and I've been puzzling over why I can't seem to connect to the characters, but now I think I know why; The characters seem emotionless. The way this story is written is more like a transcript, and less like a story. There are no descriptions of what the characters are feeling in any one moment, it's laid out more like a series of events. It's just laying out the facts in militaristic order; it's why I was immensely surprised that Swift Trail was attracted to the main character. There was no emotional or physical signs that she had any sort of attraction to john until she said she was attracted to him. This is a classic case of 'show, don't tell.' It makes a story very hard to read when there is no emotional investment. It's a shame, because this story could be great. The plot is quite interesting, and the perspective change from past to present is a nice touch. I will continue to read this story, and see where it goes.
Edit: another thing I forgot to mention is that because of what I mentioned earlier, the pacing seems fast. This chapter in particular felt rushed. If you want to slow down the pace, don't be afraid to add in some descriptions of character's emotions in response to events. How is John feeling? What made him feel that way? How does John's body move in response to those emotions? Is he smiling? Frowning? Does he seem agitated? Running his fingers through his hair in frustration? Does he have certain ticks or things that he does as a habit(such as scratching an itch, rubbing eyes, rubbing fingers together, random nervous laughter)? These things would help John come alive as a character.
deoxyribonucleic acid. Yeah, I can't pronounce it either.
9840696
Thank you. This is why it's a new direction for me. I've got forty years of report writing habits to break.
Wanna job?
I thought Rarity was marshmallow.
Ok I love the story but if it were me I'd be very unsettled by what's happening to him, also that last line sounds so bad
9844312
Have faith. Solving problems is what he does. He just has a lot of learning to do.
The pony thing sound kinda weird. You can't truly be with us unless you start turning into a pony. Does the same go for the other species?
9977764
John is at the beginning of a very long journey that isn't entirely under his control. There are answers and more questions to come. (Sorry, no spoilers)
Is John Sampson an OC?
10008654
Yes. I'm trying to take a flying leap into the future from the end of the show.
Wow
Didn't this story used to be like, much longer?
10132149
This is my first and I tried some things that didn't work so I revised it. All the elements are still there but chapters were combined and distracting frills removed. I'm still improving, I think.
They call the output of those engines ‘horsepower’ because that’s what they’re designed to replace.
There is just one problem with that way of thinking.
In reality the industrialization/machination does not reduce the number of jobs.
A machine may do the work of dozens of ponies, but how many are needed to invent create and maintain the machines.
Menial labour (which is what the machine replaces) pays little. But the new specialised jobs which now appear require more education and thus offer more pay.
Hm... What of the demons outside Equestria?
10280257
You're right for Terran Humans but fail to allow for magic in Equestria. In other words, which do you prefer, mechanized agriculture or Earth Pony magic?
10280400
John has some growing and learning to do yet. Give him time.
Finishes reading prologue
Reaction: "Weeell now...."
9719884
Yoooooo, I've read that one. Tbh I love Blueyboy, hes neat. And one of my favorite stories has him in a relationship with fancy pants. It's a really heartwarming story.
‘I want to sleep with you’
I was drinking some whiskey until I heard this part of the story and made me choke the burn.
Is this a horse dick fantasy? It's a horse dick fantasy, isn't it?
10644435
Nope, though there is some pussy in it. Mostly it's about about politics and adventure and learning to love.
THat honestly caught me by surprise.
She's grey with a blue mane? 🤔
11109191
Her coat is light gray. True white Equines are extremely rare (think Celestia rare). I did miss the mane a little. This was my first so it's got a few of those little bumps in it. The debate is whether to leave it as a baseline to my current efforts or re-re-re-write it to standard.