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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A little fast. This chapter was very fast actually. And now I understand what his rank was for.
I've been going through the chapters, and I've been puzzling over why I can't seem to connect to the characters, but now I think I know why; The characters seem emotionless. The way this story is written is more like a transcript, and less like a story. There are no descriptions of what the characters are feeling in any one moment, it's laid out more like a series of events. It's just laying out the facts in militaristic order; it's why I was immensely surprised that Swift Trail was attracted to the main character. There was no emotional or physical signs that she had any sort of attraction to john until she said she was attracted to him. This is a classic case of 'show, don't tell.' It makes a story very hard to read when there is no emotional investment. It's a shame, because this story could be great. The plot is quite interesting, and the perspective change from past to present is a nice touch. I will continue to read this story, and see where it goes.
Edit: another thing I forgot to mention is that because of what I mentioned earlier, the pacing seems fast. This chapter in particular felt rushed. If you want to slow down the pace, don't be afraid to add in some descriptions of character's emotions in response to events. How is John feeling? What made him feel that way? How does John's body move in response to those emotions? Is he smiling? Frowning? Does he seem agitated? Running his fingers through his hair in frustration? Does he have certain ticks or things that he does as a habit(such as scratching an itch, rubbing eyes, rubbing fingers together, random nervous laughter)? These things would help John come alive as a character.
‘I want to sleep with you’
I was drinking some whiskey until I heard this part of the story and made me choke the burn.