• Member Since 9th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Jun 20th, 2020

Snapple Jack


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Lyra and Bon Bon get invited to a specail meeting by the Princess. But when they find out that it's a trick, Discord sends them to another world just for laughs. (Sorry if my spelling is wrong. I'm terrible at spelling. Feel free to point out my mistakes and how I can make the story better. Cover art by LavosVsBahamut).

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 12 )

I think you have a good story here, and I wouldn't worry about your spelling so much, they look like typos that you can handle if and when you decide to make any edits to your stories.

The only suggestion I would make would be to make it easier to tell who's talking; for example, instead of doing this:
"Happy birthday Bon Bon!" "Aw thank you Lyra... but you didn't have to wake me up at 8 a'clock in the morning did you?"
Do this:
"Happy birthday, Bon Bon!" Exclaimed Lyra.* Bon Bon gave her a tired smile, "Aw, thank you Lyra... but you didn't have to wake me up at 8 o'clock in the morning, did you?"
*You could throw adverbs or enhancers here, like 'gleefully' or something along those lines.

I hope I was a help to you, and I look forward to reading more of this amazing adventure! :pinkiehappy:

60413 Thank you for your help The next chapter will have more adverbs hope you enjoy it :pinkiehappy:

OMG Robotech crossover *fangirl squeal* xD
But no romance/shipping? *sad face*

60462 I could TRY to add some romance in there. I don't know how it would work out with the story. They are best friends but I'll see what I can do. :eeyup:

Don't add romance just for romance sake, you wouldn't want your story to feel forced would you?
If you meant for them to just be the best of friends keep them that way.

As for the who's talking, you don't have to add an "x said" after each quoted speech, but just make sure that every time someone new is talking, it starts on a new line like:
"How many lumps Lyra?"
"No sugar today, thanks"

And now to read the story!

60786
Yeah, I guess I didn't really word it right, but that's what I should have said, haha. :twilightsheepish:

Thank you guys SO MUCH for the good ratings. I just got done with chapter two and I'm already working on chapter three :pinkiehappy:. I hope you all enjoy it! And now here's Trollestia falling in love with Trixie. :trollestia::heart::trixieshiftright:

The story's over already? Darn, when I saw the first few paragraphs I expected for them to explore the human world a bit until the last scene happens.

I kind of felt this capter was a bit rushed and the story would be better if it was extended with their exploration of the Human World.

But overall, nice job with this story.

75733 Yeah sorry about that. I just really want to get this story over with. Glad you liked it anyway :pinkiehappy:

Apart from the Typo in the description and a few minor gramatical errors (I hate to start a comment sounding like an ass hole dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_hmph.png ) I thoroughly enjoyed this dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_smile.png

1148437 Thank you. I've been meaning to edit this, but I never got around to do it. Guess I should huh? Glad you enjoyed it.

1151532 It's your story, you don't have to, but people will still be able to read it. The clean description is likely to attract more grammar concerned people and will get the story more attention. Still even after people judge a story by its cover photo or description they may end up enjoying these stories, like me dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_smile.png

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