After getting use to her life back on Equestria, Luna finally finds out about what happened to her child, after she was sent to the Moon. With Celestia’s help, she is reunited with her daughter and is shocked about who she turned out to be. Luna tries to explain to her and be apart of her life.
Will it work? Will this changed their relationship, that they already had?
Find out, next time, on Dragon ball Z- I mean... Read to find out
Warning: this is my first story, so please excuse my mistakes.
Chapters (8)
eh... I usually start a new line when someone talks, it makes it easier to discern who is talking.
Well, you have my attention and i'm curious to see how you will approach this.
good start.
OMG This is
CULLL 🇰🇰
🇰 I love french Monarchy
ok little rush but not bad, I hope as luna tell her daughter she go a bit more detail about the dark king fall and such.
Welcome to the club get your complimentary drinks at the table over in the corner there are games down the hall in the third door on the right, movies are being played on the second floor and there is sports equipment in the gym. No, but seriously you'll get used to it just find your pace (Like in how often you update your chapters still move a little fast.)
Stary a new line when somepony new talks
A paragraph mesh of scentences is confusing
9191187
That's what I said.
The part where Twilight got infected by the darkness caused by Luna is really familar. Got a feeling of Deja Vu right now and I forgot which story was it.
9192561
I know what you're talking about, but the author of the story restarted the story and I don't think that scene is their anymore.
9191076
Trust me, I know. For some reason that always happen whenever I start a new story. But I’m not gonna think anything of if for now. Mostly because this is like a little short story thing that I write for fun and boredom. But, this is just the start of the story, I didn’t want to make it drag out or anything. But if I definitely see where I want the story to go and how I want it to go, I’ll probably rewrite it. Probably..
9192741
that alright,
Hmmmm.... You have my attention
9191173
9192741
Can I join? Writing is hard.......T~T
Awww man, I wanna see the big reveal now!
Well, it's good to see you have improved, keep it up.
well... I don't have much to say besides I'm waiting for the next update.
Not bad, I'll have keep a close eye one this one.
Damn your cliffhangers!!!
9253164
i'm with ya there... its like a video buffering when its getting to a juicy part
9253696
Indeed
I would like to see what their lives are like after this. Hope you continue soon.
Okay, so your pacing is improving, though I think Twilight needs to freak out a little more, or show she is trying desperately not to freak out, or possibly have a delayed reaction.
Also, you have gone back to writing perigraphs with more than one pony speaking. When a new pony speaks you need to start a new line. Keeps the reader from getting confused about who is talking.
Other than those critiques, this continues to remain interesting and more than deserving of my attention, so I'm looking forward to more chapters in the future.
Short, but worth the wait
ok ... i'm now eagerly awaiting for more of the story.... my soul is not satisfied... this story better not go dead b4 completion
you liiiiive!!!
guess daddy is the king sombra.
9290281
I will be completely honest, My mind went blank on this chapter. It’s not my best work but I’ll work around it.
As for adding a new paragraph every time somepony speaks is more difficult for me, since this has been my writing style for years and it confuses me more than anything and it ruins my train of thought.
And Twilight, I didn’t want her to be freaked out, at all. I just wanted her to not believe it, like she’s completely sure that it’s a joke. Of course, it probably would’ve been better, I just didn’t want her to be like that...
Thanks for the critiques, I appreciate it.
9291014
im guessing Star Swirl the Bearded
This is good so far, can't wait for the next chapter. I wonder is twilight still a unicorn or turn into an alicorn in this story?
eh.... i finished the translation of all the chapter. it seems like china brony do love your story. plus , i am looking forward to your new chapter .
You're still having multiple characters speaking in the same paragraph. I don't like pointing it out every chapter, but I feel if I don't you'll keep making the mistake. I don't want a story as good as this to get weighed down by simple mistakes like this. You are still improving, however, and that's great so keep it up.
You need to make a new paragraph when characters talk
Things are getting interesting, now Twilight had that flashback!
Nice chapter can't wait for the next one.
💙
this is getting good, cant wait for the next chapter!
Before I even read gotta say its "Find out on 'the next exciting episode if' Dragon Ball Z" you cut that part off the description
First timer
Oh boy, Luna just had to make the situation uncomfortable & awkward
9418357
Gonna have to be more specific there...
9418304
Oh yeah! I haven’t watch DBZ in years so my memory of it is
kind ofdefinitely fadinglol that was amazing! you know if Twilight's parents did not confirm Twilight was Adopted so casually, the part where Luna barged in and told them she was her daughter would have been super cringy, tho it did make the moment very awkward
great chapter can't wait for the next one!
Still doing better, keep it up!
Man, this was really good lol Poor Luna she was being rushed there and accidentally broke their door. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Good story so far. Cant wait for the next chapter
Next chapter please
i have to make the comment i cant let this travesty continue
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE every dialogue from a different person must needs a new line
otherwise i enjoyed
So, when do we get the next chapter? This story is pretty good so far.
9965512
since the Auther has not even been online since July 10th I think it's safe to assume the story is dead
9973704
There is something called hope