Then she said, “Ma’am, my control over magic is fairly weak for a unicorn but I’ve found I can have completely lucid dreams at will and can even cross into the dreams of other ponies, where I can help ease their troubles.”

oooohhh carefull with that character, since she isn't a Luna guard yet it doesn't feels odd, but if Luna or characters like her just walk into others dreams and maybe figure out private or delicate stuff, I think they take their duty or whatever a bit to far.

She saw how much I want to protect others, and she recommended I join the Guard.”

okay I spoke to soon, I just hope she is not going to be one of those ninja ponies that harass the main char in many stories, sneaking up on him and watching the main chars having sex or going to the toilet in some stories. They are usually cocky, a bit perverted and act a bit bossy. Maybe they also annoy me because it seems so cliche, I mean not one of them in that position was exactly shy or different than what I described. I mean them being shy or stuff like that doesn't means they can't be good at that stuff.

I'll be honest, I want Tempest to get a leader position or maybe (forgot the name of their boss right now), well maybe she would rather make Tempest some sort of assistent to one of the "chefs" to give her a different experience and something like that.
I have problems with how to write it right now again, but I meant if such a position exists, I could expect her to put Tempest as some sort of helper to make her see how that is or just to make her some sort of All-star (if that word is a thing (allrounder).

Long story short, I also liked the idea as Tempest being a good assistent/bodyguard to a maybe weaker leader, that has that one skill but needs someone like Tempest to really work in that position. I hope that makes it easier to understand.

Tempest chuckled. Those twins seemed like an interesting pair. She couldn’t wait to get to know them.

On one hand I don't see anything wrong with them and on the other hand they make me remember that awful incest twin pairing with no good backstory for why it came to that. Without that I only could dislike it. I'm stuck between curiousity for them and feeling like I don't want to risk it getting to know them.
Not that I expect you to do something like that, I just like to talk/write a bit sometimes.

Not sure what you told me about Discord making a suprise appearance or something like that, but I suddenly got the feeling that your Discord behaves himself a little bit to much in that regard. I mean I like him and this story is awesome so far, but he is strangely behaved and others don't get suprised about him anymore.
It's not exactly dissapointing, but I kind of wish there would be a chance that some have a stronger reaction to him or Tempests situation sometimes because I love those funny situations. I guess my favourite comedy is the "situation-comedy" or how it was called.
Like when someone enters a room, two typical idiots are doing something really weird that can be missunderstood easily and the one person decites it would be better to go away again to safe his sanity.

Your location may be attacked by other creatures or even angry ponies who will be ready to kill you. Will you kill them first?”

It happened again, my head made
Your location may be attacked by other creatures or even angry ponies who will be ready to push (hug) you. Will you hug them first?”
This is so funny since your military seems to at least work a bit even if they appearantely lost against Tempests army, but in many stories they are just useless, maybe you can include something like that in your story?

I mean you don't have to make them idiots, but if they should maybe do workout as their last duty for the day and only have to do a small amount of exercise. Then Tempest would just be the only one in the first few days who is doing much more than them.
With that I don't even mean that they don't have enough time for so many exercises, but I mean that they just really don't have to work as hard as Tempest is used to it.
However I think it wouldn't work if you overdo it with this stuff, since at least this place seems to not be a complete failure so far if I understood it right. Tempest may be used to much more, but I understood that this place fulfills the standarts.

“I think I love you,” Storm said.

uhhhmmm......okay.....there is someone easily impressed, this was not the commander right? Depending on if it is the Commander Eagle or not, I know how that was meant.
With Eagle I would think she is impressed by his pony way to think of the situation, but I'm not sure if there was someone falling in love a bit easily.
No problem there, but old habits die hard and I like to get to know more about important characters that get together in the future.

I have my favourites or kind of, but I don't have anyone I really hate so far.

Okay Nice cliffhanger, now please use that scene for an interessting situations, suprised reactions, some disliking her and some taking her side and stuff like that. If this talk goes by as if they where talking about what bread they want to eat this day, it would be a bit dissapointing again.

Maybe I didn't noticed the sign last time, but does Commander Eagle hates her?

edit: Oh god this is one of my biggest comments I think. Didn't had something this long in a long time.

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Don't worry about Dream, she's a good person and doesn't snoop around anywhere she's not wanted. It's kinda like Luna in that she can feel if her help is needed, if not she just stays in her own dreams and has a great time because they're always lucid.

As for Tempest, I do have plans for the kind of role she'll take in the flight.

The twins... I'm still working on those two actually but I'm probably going to leave a lot about them up to the imagination.

Discord is pretty well-behaved, I'll admit. I'm still working on how I want to write him, but I imagine he tries to at least not upset Tempest and him trying anything now with her in training could get her in serious trouble, and not any kind of fun trouble. But he'll definitely mess with her, I'm kinda planning out more along those lines actually.

And at the end it was just Storm, another trainee, commenting "I think I love you" in response to Sword's little speech about killing if needed. It was just a joke, she's just acting infatuated because how else are you gonna respond to that kinda thing? :') Eagle isn't gonna say anything like that to a trainee, it's unprofessional, but she doesn't care if they screw around like that. Occasionally, and behind closed doors.

Eagle's feelings about Tempest will be laid out in the next chapter. It's not hate, but I think they'll have a very interesting dynamic.

Thanks for the comment, and I don't mind if they're long, I like discussing my stories.

9180886

The twins... I'm still working on those two actually but I'm probably going to leave a lot about them up to the imagination.

Well just be carefull with them please. I also try to not missunderstand anything.

Discord is pretty well-behaved, I'll admit. I'm still working on how I want to write him, but I imagine he tries to at least not upset Tempest and him trying anything now with her in training could get her in serious trouble, and not any kind of fun trouble. But he'll definitely mess with her, I'm kinda planning out more along those lines actually.

Well I guess at some point I imaged he would just be the "I easily find my way around it" kind of guy and still tries to sneak in some reare jokes and tricks once in a while.
I like him like this actually, but sometimes I wish for a rare Discord moment if you know what I mean.
Now I image him doing something that is slightly embrassing Tempest and at the same time teleporting the first pony who is laughing to the sun.... or something less harmfull. Naaah that was more a joke, I like to just say what is on my mind here.

Eagle isn't gonna say anything like that to a trainee, it's unprofessional, but she doesn't care if they screw around like that. Occasionally, and behind closed doors.

Do you mean joking around and being less...auhhmm the soldier they are supposed to be or the other having a fling once in a while? I'm honestly not sure if I understand that right. I thought it meant two things, the adult meaning and that joking around thing which doesn't seems to be the chase, but there is also the translation for them being lazy which doesn't seems to fit here.
Well it is just one pony and I don't mind it. If they are more important for another sequel and stuff like that however, I just have to be honest if her friends have one partner at least. I know it doesn't always work like that, but I just love my romance stories like that.
I know a few weird people myself, but as far as stories go i just know what I prefer and like I always say, after a few bad examples I try to avoid certains stuff since I don't really believe in it being written in a good and interessting way anymore.

Long story short, if this was meant that they maybe get together alright then, you write the characters nicely and I trust you with them too, but I couldn't stop my imagination from going trought all of the possibilities and image some of the unlikeable situations.
edit: I hope i made sure to tell you that I think like that mostly about characters that start to become main characters for this story or even the sequel.

Eagle's feelings about Tempest will be laid out in the next chapter. It's not hate, but I think they'll have a very interesting dynamic.

Well yes I she is actually starting to become one of my favourite characters here, Eagle I mean.

Thanks for the comment, and I don't mind if they're long, I like discussing my stories. Well if you get the feeling I focus on some stuff or themes, then that's most likely me trying to describe exactly what I mean, because I'm often enough missundertood sometimes.
It would be so much easier in german sometimes, to better get the meaning across I mean, this way it just looks sometimes like I would dislike those sex/intime scenes in generall, but I just know exactly what I like as far as books go. I mean isn't it natural to try and get the most out of something you like? I admit I try to read it as soon as possible, because there is always the small change that your wish get's fullfilled in the story and sometimes the suggestions are even wanted.

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Oh I just mean like, Eagle doesn't care if her trainees wanna joke around, as long as they do it while in the dorm and not out in front of the other flights. Since they're supposed to have military bearing in public. But she's not petty enough to squash a little bit of joking as long as the trainees don't get too wild. You'll see more of that as time goes on.

But ye I like Eagle. Mostly because she's based on one of my old instructors but also like. She's just so much fun to write.

9181033
Ohhh so I wasn't totally off with my own translation okay then.
Depending on what happens next I would like them to actually be oficially friends or something in after their training it that is allowed.

edit: I was talking about Eagle and Tempest

Well, it's close enough to say you know what boot camp is like, but enough is off that it goes into the territory of the uncanny valley. Lots of little stuff that I think "that doesn't sound right" but it's been years since I've been there so i can't tell you why it's not quite right.

Either way, not terrible, sometimes the interactions feel a little stilted with exposition that doesn't make sense to say aloud for a character in that position since it should be obvious.

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That's fair, I can go a bit overboard with the exposition I'll admit. I'll try to be a bit more careful with it. I don't want readers to be confused about stuff but I also don't want characters to talk about things that they should all just know. It's a fine balance I gotta walk. And I haven't been in basic training since 2014 so I've probably forgotten a good bit of stuff but eh. Thanks for the comment.

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Late 2013 here. Got my ETS coming up next year and pretty sure I'm going to take it. Need to work on my family and private life some which is hard to do when you're being sent all over the place.