- Member Since 24th May, 2014
- offline last seen 10 hours ago
TheCrimsonDM
Big fan of fantasy and lesbians. If you want magic, lesbians, or ponies, you've come to the right place. Follow me itch.io if you want to see my visual novels. https://thecrimsondm-vanillia.itch.io/
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Maybe you could put in a pairing like Trixie x Twilight?
9092644
I'll let any pairings or non pairings reveal themselves as the story progresses but I do like the sound of that. XD
9092677
You could make Twilight the beautiful stranger Trixie gets into a fight with, and then gets her butt handed to her by Twilight, who is stronger and better than her at magic? Then, while Twilight is leaving, Trixie watches the beautiful mare leaving, promising that next time their fight will be "between the sheets", making Trixie flustered.
9092677
Well, if Aj is Murph, then is Starlight Susan? Is Twilight the gatekeeper? I like this slant, I happen to be a major fan of the Dresden files so you've done a good job so far. Also please don't retell the first book, you have something I've never seen in a Dresden Crossover and I would love to see that originality continue.
9092821
well the I already wrote the manuscript for this book, but thank you for your really fun ideas. I'll keep them in mind for future books. XD
9092861
Thank you very much. I did aim for something very unique when I wrote this. How big of a fan of the series are you, because I'm always looking for a consultant. Also don't worry about copy cats, this is an entirely unique story with some inspiration drawn from the official series on both ends.
9093324
Enough that I recognized the opening scene to Fool Moon. However I am immensely glad that you are doing something unique, retellings can be great, most often though they are an excuse for mediocre writing. So far you have done well. A need for a consultant, you do not have. Plot your own course you must, follow it you will. Wonderful this will be.
Always nice to see somebody else take a stab at writing Dresden. Think this might even be the first outright MLP/Files fusion fic on the site, so that's definitively a big plus in the stories favor.
That being said,
twothree big things I'd like to give feedback on:1,) The current layout is obnoxious as hell to read. There's no need whatsoever for that much 'dead air' between every paragraph. Not even big-print books use that much space.
2,) Trixie, or any unicorn in general, seems like a very odd choice for a wizard in a world where magic is thought of as myth. I mean, it wasn't outright shown yet, but I'm so far going to presume that unicorns can use their horns in this universe, since there wasn't a mention of her grabbing a staff or such.
The world being full of earth ponies with only the odd 'freak' thrown a la Power Ponies in would make a bit more sense, but since one of the victims was a pegasi I'm not getting that vibe.
Again, just not quite sure where your going with that, and this is the first chapter so not a lot of time for explanations yet. Just thought I'd mention that the concept bugged me, and I hope for an in-story explanation to that later.
3,) The heart ripping spell in Storm Front was way more overtly supernatural and freaky, meaning it made sense why Murphy could get away with hiring a 'wizard' as an offical consultant.
If this is Equestria, but with (greater) magic a lost art, shouldn't the police's first thought be some sort of animal mauling? Bite & claw marks aren't exactly overtly supernatural, so why risk the public & political heckling when a zoologist would have made more sense? Or even their own crime-scene experts suspecting murder, if there's stuff like griffons in this world?
On the whole, I did enjoy the chapter, though, so I hope you continue this. Just thought I'd leave feedback on the stuff that stuck out to me.
Loved the Cover-Hat, by the way. Really nice touch.
9093466
Thanks. In all honesty I am surprised that this is the first time anyone's done it. As for the choice of Trixie, it sounded like a great choice of character to create a bit of a greater struggle, besides other potential characters for the role of Dresden found better places in my opinion.
As for the world setting. there will be more detail about the specifics of it later on as this setting is a fairly unique one that is more inspiration than direct use of the Dresden series.
Animals don't typically climb into the sixth floor of a building, murder some ponies, and then jump off. As Trixie said, even a lot of the supernatrual monsters she can think of would take an injury from such a height.
9093466
oh and about the 'dead air' thanks for letting me know. I knew there was something a little off when i transfer my story from the word document to the site. I miss the old link to google docs thing. Made it easier. I'll work on that right away.
I like the flow of your writing style, conversations sound reasonable but also in character. My one criticism is that there isn't much time spent on building the look of the scene. The appearance of the environment can be a powerful tool, and I think adding it as a scene starts can improve the tone.
Hmmm good intro for the story, I´m going to follow it.
9093696
Thanks. I mean I wrote this two years ago, and I'm honestly surprised by how much my writing has improved. Setting scenes however has always been a challenge i look to over come as my perception of my enviroment kinda sucks. lol.
I'll keep this in mind and see if I can add some to scenes in the future. XD
9093728
Thanks XD
9093550
So a dog or something went feral, forced the door to get out once trapped, and either climbed down, or the corpse was eaten/taken by other strays before the cops arrived.
It's an utter bullshit excuse, yes, but it's the type of bullshit excuse that let's Mr. and Mrs. No-Such-Thing-As-Magic sleep at night, and means that the cop writing the report doesn't have to go to a shrink for a couple of years.
Not sure if you've read it since it's one of the comics, but Welcome To The Jungle has a moment just like that that's central the to the entire plot, so it's definitely in keeping with how things go down in the Dresden Files universe.
Your story, of course, and I have no idea what type of nasty we're even talking about, but as-is it would make way more sense if AJ had at least one clue that pointed to pony-level intelligence at play, or a clearer super-natural smoking-gun. Consultants aren't cheap, after all.
9094029
Ok that makes sense. I hadn't guessed that before. This story is a little different from the beginning of Storm Front but I can see your point. Thanks for the advice. XD
9093696
agreed, even such simple lines such as "the building was on fire, but it wasn't my fault" can evoke images of dark, smoke filled hallways with limited visibility and a hard time limit to get out before the whole thing comes down. that and the fact that harry is a pyromancer saying that the building fire was not his fault is kind of funny.
LOVE the New Marcone and that AJ is Murphy. You are doing a wonderful job, my only critic is watch your pacing. This needs to be slower, noir light. You're doing Trixie as a unicorn wizard detective, that almost requires noir fantasy pacing. That is, slow till it isn't. Marine is a creeping horror, followed by a shock. This moved a trifle to fast. I'm not scared of Rider, Marcone creeps me out, even as I now he's the best option. Spot as Hendrix, please remember Hendrix is also HIGHLY educated. Unless spot is hendrix's predecessor, that guy was a moron. Other then that good job. I enjoy that this is going It's own way and is no way just a retelling. I love the combination of fool moon and storm front that you've taken. Means that even those of us that know the Dresden Files have no idea were you are leading.
9110793
Thank you. XD
I will admit this is more of a thriller than even the dresdan files are. And in all honesty book one is kinda short so once i'm done uploading chapters I imagine most people will be easily to finish it in a single sitting. If it was as long as normal dresdan book I would have made it run slower. And yes, Spot is more related to Hendrix's predecessor. I'm glad you picked up a bit on the fusion of the first two books, my original goal with this piece was to try and fuse some of the themes from multiple books so as I could tell the entire story faster.
Also I am in love with your avatar picture.
9110801
Fair enough, just be careful, some of this chapter felt rushed. Thanks for the compliment on my avatar. I was Sombra for a good portion of my life, thankfully my Radiant Hope found me. Tell your story how you want to. You're doing well so far.
9110833
I'm always open to critiques and welcome them as they are useful for my future projects. I just don't have the time to edit and revise like I used to anymore with school lol. But any and all critiques will go towards making the sequel to this story even better. XD
I always thought warlock was the male definition of a witch.
None the less great story so far, it really has the La Nior feeling.
9124593
That's a fairly common misconception. Harry Potter did no favors in this section either by making wizards only be men. Truth is Warlocks, Witches, and wizards are all very different things with very different origins in name. I usually go by more modern takes on them. Wizard being studied, Sorcerer being born talent or genetic magic, Witch being nature and primal based usually allies with elementals and monsters, and warlocks making pacts with demons, and devils.
Of course in the dresden files they use warlock to describe a magical outlaw. So anyone who's broken the magical laws is a warlock regardless of previous status. At least, that's how I remember it. I might be wrong.
9124971
A warlock is a person of magical talent that has repeatedly broken one of the 7 laws of magic.
1. Never use magic to take a life
2. Never Transform Another
3. Never Invade The Thoughts Of Another
4. Never Enthrall Another
5. Never Reach Beyond The Borders Of Life
6. Never Swim Against The Current Of Time.
7. Never Seek Knowledge And Power From Beyond The Outer Gates.
The wardens go VORPAL on those that break a law, for the first offence. The exception is when someone among the white council takes responsibility for the offender. The potential Warlock also gets their very own probation officer/executioner. They break the law again, they get greeted with their own personal red queen to go snikersnack. Warlock in general is used to describe a repeat offender, or at least one that isn't dead yet. If Twilight is going to be Morgan then expect her to be ready to kill Trixie immediately should she step out of line.
9124593
So yeah, this is a good crossover. Enough is different that it leaves the diehards like me wondering what was changed, heh changes (Damn it just made myself sad), and similar enough that we can all spot the Easter eggs.
9125509
that is a much better description of what a warlock is in this series. And from my understanding, exceptions that save a warlocks life are exceedingly rare.
9125820
Hey, no problem it's what I do. Although, I had to look up the seven laws in the Dresden files RPG to make sure I got the wording of them right. Oh and to be clear, those rules only apply to humans. Supernatural beings can be torched at will.
9125955
I have to look them up all the time too lol.
9125955
And they don't count against animals I think.
9125961
If you have any questions about Dresden feel free to ask. I may not know the answer but I happen to belong to a Facebook group devoted to Jim Butcher. So if push comes to shove I can question them for the lore. Depending on what is going on I may or may not be able to get back to you quickly, but I will always get back to you when my day allows. I know I turned you down before and I still don't think you need it but if you need a reference by all means shoot me a pm or write on my wall.
A bit of a rehash it seems, but the dynamics unique to the pony world makes things interesting.
9399544
thank you. I was really trying to capture the essence and themes of both worlds. Don't know well I succeeded. But I wanted to do for the Dresdian files, what was done with Fallout Equestria.
So Rarity is hiding the fact that she is a unicorn?
9410270
Nahhhh she just likes her giant hats. Like Trixie does. Nothing suspicious
Is the pony in the picture Rarity? Not Trixie?
9412507
Yeppers. The original image I had built for this story got corrupted and then deleted by mistake. So I found an image that matched the theme, feeling, and tone of this story just as much and used it. And since Rarity is a pretty important character to the Lulamoon Files I felt it would work just fine.
What's the worst that could happen? *sigh* So this is set before Dresden learns NEVER to say those words ever. Those words are a challenge to the universe as every foul spirit within 5 ft turns its head to you and goes "Really? and the proceeds to prove you wrong.
9418051
Thank you very much. XD
Yeah with school, and then starting a youtube channel, and then nearly dying from sickness lol I've had the worst time getting back to this, but I am determined to finish this story, and possibly, probably, work on the sequels. Doing fusions of two universes is always a fun experiment for me, and getting to write this universe in particular was amazing.
9419812
I look forward to it all, but take care of yourself. Your health needs to come first.
9420483
ironically I just made a blog about that and why I haven't uploaded a new chapter thanks to the flu. XD
Thanks for caring.
"Well......fuck."
Poor Trixie. I wonder how she'll get out of this one.....?
9439561
How indeed. XP
Anyone want to give me odds Mr. Rider was going to set the dragon free and that he approves of this less than Trixie?
Well, things certainly have become more interesting... ^^
9447438
Sure looks like it. XD
His what now?
9449012
lol wow, I can't believe I missed that one. Thanks for pointing it out. (Maybe I need to scrutinize my word processor even more lol)
Trixie, you better floor it! Now I have to wait until next time. I am glad suspense isn't fatal.
lol yes, suspense being fatal would be the death of my audience.
Hmm....
This chapter felt shorter than normal....
9485323
It is. All we can do is hope for more soon.