Wizard Detective Trixie Lulamoon is trying to pay rent and solve a monstrous murder case at the same time. How long can she keep dodging death and bullets for, and can she solve the murders before she ends up the next victim?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Maybe you could put in a pairing like Trixie x Twilight?
9092644
I'll let any pairings or non pairings reveal themselves as the story progresses but I do like the sound of that. XD
9092677
You could make Twilight the beautiful stranger Trixie gets into a fight with, and then gets her butt handed to her by Twilight, who is stronger and better than her at magic? Then, while Twilight is leaving, Trixie watches the beautiful mare leaving, promising that next time their fight will be "between the sheets", making Trixie flustered.
9092677
Well, if Aj is Murph, then is Starlight Susan? Is Twilight the gatekeeper? I like this slant, I happen to be a major fan of the Dresden files so you've done a good job so far. Also please don't retell the first book, you have something I've never seen in a Dresden Crossover and I would love to see that originality continue.
9092821
well the I already wrote the manuscript for this book, but thank you for your really fun ideas. I'll keep them in mind for future books. XD
9092861
Thank you very much. I did aim for something very unique when I wrote this. How big of a fan of the series are you, because I'm always looking for a consultant. Also don't worry about copy cats, this is an entirely unique story with some inspiration drawn from the official series on both ends.
9093324
Enough that I recognized the opening scene to Fool Moon. However I am immensely glad that you are doing something unique, retellings can be great, most often though they are an excuse for mediocre writing. So far you have done well. A need for a consultant, you do not have. Plot your own course you must, follow it you will. Wonderful this will be.
Always nice to see somebody else take a stab at writing Dresden. Think this might even be the first outright MLP/Files fusion fic on the site, so that's definitively a big plus in the stories favor.![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
That being said,
twothree big things I'd like to give feedback on:1,) The current layout is obnoxious as hell to read. There's no need whatsoever for that much 'dead air' between every paragraph. Not even big-print books use that much space.
2,) Trixie, or any unicorn in general, seems like a very odd choice for a wizard in a world where magic is thought of as myth. I mean, it wasn't outright shown yet, but I'm so far going to presume that unicorns can use their horns in this universe, since there wasn't a mention of her grabbing a staff or such.
The world being full of earth ponies with only the odd 'freak' thrown a la Power Ponies in would make a bit more sense, but since one of the victims was a pegasi I'm not getting that vibe.
Again, just not quite sure where your going with that, and this is the first chapter so not a lot of time for explanations yet. Just thought I'd mention that the concept bugged me, and I hope for an in-story explanation to that later.
3,) The heart ripping spell in Storm Front was way more overtly supernatural and freaky, meaning it made sense why Murphy could get away with hiring a 'wizard' as an offical consultant.
If this is Equestria, but with (greater) magic a lost art, shouldn't the police's first thought be some sort of animal mauling? Bite & claw marks aren't exactly overtly supernatural, so why risk the public & political heckling when a zoologist would have made more sense? Or even their own crime-scene experts suspecting murder, if there's stuff like griffons in this world?
On the whole, I did enjoy the chapter, though, so I hope you continue this. Just thought I'd leave feedback on the stuff that stuck out to me.
Loved the Cover-Hat, by the way. Really nice touch.![:rainbowkiss:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowkiss.png)
9093466
Thanks. In all honesty I am surprised that this is the first time anyone's done it. As for the choice of Trixie, it sounded like a great choice of character to create a bit of a greater struggle, besides other potential characters for the role of Dresden found better places in my opinion.
As for the world setting. there will be more detail about the specifics of it later on as this setting is a fairly unique one that is more inspiration than direct use of the Dresden series.
Animals don't typically climb into the sixth floor of a building, murder some ponies, and then jump off. As Trixie said, even a lot of the supernatrual monsters she can think of would take an injury from such a height.
9093466
oh and about the 'dead air' thanks for letting me know. I knew there was something a little off when i transfer my story from the word document to the site. I miss the old link to google docs thing. Made it easier. I'll work on that right away.
I like the flow of your writing style, conversations sound reasonable but also in character. My one criticism is that there isn't much time spent on building the look of the scene. The appearance of the environment can be a powerful tool, and I think adding it as a scene starts can improve the tone.
Hmmm good intro for the story, I´m going to follow it.![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
9093696
Thanks. I mean I wrote this two years ago, and I'm honestly surprised by how much my writing has improved. Setting scenes however has always been a challenge i look to over come as my perception of my enviroment kinda sucks. lol.
I'll keep this in mind and see if I can add some to scenes in the future. XD
9093728
Thanks XD
9093550
So a dog or something went feral, forced the door to get out once trapped, and either climbed down, or the corpse was eaten/taken by other strays before the cops arrived.
It's an utter bullshit excuse, yes, but it's the type of bullshit excuse that let's Mr. and Mrs. No-Such-Thing-As-Magic sleep at night, and means that the cop writing the report doesn't have to go to a shrink for a couple of years.
Not sure if you've read it since it's one of the comics, but Welcome To The Jungle has a moment just like that that's central the to the entire plot, so it's definitely in keeping with how things go down in the Dresden Files universe.
Your story, of course, and I have no idea what type of nasty we're even talking about, but as-is it would make way more sense if AJ had at least one clue that pointed to pony-level intelligence at play, or a clearer super-natural smoking-gun. Consultants aren't cheap, after all.
9094029
Ok that makes sense. I hadn't guessed that before. This story is a little different from the beginning of Storm Front but I can see your point. Thanks for the advice. XD
9093696
agreed, even such simple lines such as "the building was on fire, but it wasn't my fault" can evoke images of dark, smoke filled hallways with limited visibility and a hard time limit to get out before the whole thing comes down. that and the fact that harry is a pyromancer saying that the building fire was not his fault is kind of funny.
Your grammar isn't too bad through the first chapter, but you've mixed up 'you're' and 'your' a few times that I saw. If you aren't using a saidism ('said', 'mentioned', 'asked', 'shouted', etc.) after a line of dialogue, you have to end the dialogue with a period instead of a comma. If you are using a saidism, then you do end dialogue with a comma before moving into the descriptor, but you don't capitalise the first word (unless of course, it's a proper noun or 'I').
Etc.
"Hello," she said.
"Hello." She looked around.
NOT
"Hello," She said.
"Hello", She looked around.
Of course, you can get away with grammar rules in dialogue itself, because dialogue doesn't have to obey grammar
. Or in Trixie's case, since this is first-person, there's some leeway with her thoughts when it's basically an internal monologue.
Anyways. I feel like this first chapter doesn't quite hit the mark. You're attempting a conceptual fusion here of Dresden Files and FiM (as opposed to a 'character fusion', where you drop a character or characters from one setting into another), which is doable. But it feels weird for everypony to mock Trixie for calling herself a wizard or jeering at the idea of magic or things that go bump in the night when, well, there's unicorns and stuff in the show.
9808222
Yeah, grammar is hard. I'm mostly self taught so I'm still learning. Thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind for my future work. XD
As for the story, yeah it's a bit of an odd idea, like me lol. It's more inspired by things like RE: Harmony, and Fallout Equestria, where they fused two separate worlds and characters from one universe kinda take over the roles of characters from another thus changing things in an oddly organic way. Or at least, that's the hope lol