Not much to say about me, least not in my opinion. I'm just a writer that likes ponies. I'll likely update this later when I have more to say.
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Vinyl Scratch holds a concert for ponyville, before the show she takes time to remember what is important to her. Meanwhile Octavia has a surprise waiting for her best friend.
A very quick story I did for a contest over on DA, which had a 1000 word limit. First story I've done that was ever this short.
NEW: Decided to expand on this, while leaving the original up for any one that liked it or want to compare versions.
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Good. Really Good.
999048
Thanks
Hello, this is Kalash93 from Authors Helping Authors giving you a review.
Grammatik: 6/10. While your basic mechanics were generally fine, your dialogue had punctuation issues. Your sentences also could run on and you used too many elipses (...). You ought to give commas a review.
Pros
#1: The premise is a taviscratch story that focuses on friendship rather than shipping, which is a rare twist and one that I find refreshing.
#2: The story stays fresh and does not drag on.
#3: The characterization is wonderful.
Cons
#1: The story is too brief.
#2: The story is rather forgettable.
#3: The story is without any extant conflict.
Notes
I personally don't care too much for taviscratch. For the most part, they are painfully predictable. Octavia is stuffy and Vinyl is bohemian, and they are both lesbians. Therefore, I was quite interested when I saw that this story talked about friendship between the two instead of romance. It was nice to read an innocent piece about two very popular background ponies. It was cute and made me grin. The important of friendship lines up with the show, which is always a plus for me. Your pacing was done extremely well; it was tight. Everything flowed at the correct rate, which keeps things interesting. You were brief where you needed to be and you were slower where you needed to be. The characterization is the single best part of your story. You nailed Vinyl Scratch as I would imagine her as a show character perfectly. There is just the right mixture between egotism and humility to make an appealing jerk with a heart of golden. Octavia was weaker, although still quite strong. You demonstrate why the characters like each other and why the friendship works. Not only that, but you give an instance in the fic that makes the point better than a long dissertation. For vignettes like this one, short action will always trump long rumination. Now, your story was not flawless. Your story is too brief. While its brevity is a great strength, it also gives the feeling that we were denied something even more spectacular. The ending could have created a stronger sense of finality, which would have partially solved this. I feel like a few extra lines of dialogue between the characters would have done a lot of remedy the sense of excessive brevity. Just two hundred more words could do it. Your story is nice but forgettable. There is just nothing that really grabs attention or sticks in the memory. There is no impact to it. Your story lacks conflict. While that is fine for this sort of story, it feels vaguely cheap because it makes the friendship seem like something that can almost be taken for granted. There is no sense that the friendship took effort or time. The differences between the characters seem completely trivial. A bit of friction between them would have made their bond seem stronger and more remarkable. However, I'm admittedly looking for flaws at this point.
You win 7/10 flutteryays for a solid story that does a lot with very little.
Enjoy your review. Please give me one in return. I do not care which story of mine you review. Just pick one.
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Thank you very much for the review :) I am very glad you enjoyed it over all and really liked my version of Vinyl and her friendship with Tavi. I will try to read and review one of yours this week, if nothing comes up.
The main reason it is so short, is because it was for a contest with a strict 1000 word limit, going over it would have resulted in instant DQ. It was very hard to get the ending to feel right, and ended up rewriting and rewording it several times, and many of your complaints come from sacrifices I had to make to keep it within the limit. I didn't win, which is probably not surprising. This was my first attempt at something so short, as usually my stories are 3000-5000 words and felt it was a good exercise for me. Your general feelings mirror my own, I'm not completely satisfied with this, and may one day do a rewrite/expansion on it to to fix how weak the overall plot is and to expand on Tavi a bit more.
If you are interested, check out my Lunafic 'Come Little Children' as I feel its a much better story, though still likely to be flawed grammatically and might also be a bit loose at the end, due to being in a more depressed state when writing it compared to the rest of story. .
Really loved the scene. It flowed perfectly and felt right. I would love to see you do more snapshots between these two.
Oh, and I will be moving this story to the Slice of Life folder in the Feature Box Crusaders group.
Whaaat? No comments? Need to be changed!
I liked the last part the most, where Octavia announced her news to Vinyl. But I was shocked, when vinyl dropped one of her things. I would think, she would be waaaaay more careful.
Great story. Love what you do with the characters; it's nice to see their playful teasing dynamic.
I hesitated on a fave, though. You could use an editor to go over your story and comb out all the little grammatical and usage bugs. More than anything, though, you need to pick a tense (past or present) and stick with it. Most people use past tense most of the time.
I still faved it though. It has a good overall tone and it's a sweet little vignette. It just needs some proofreading attention.
Finished reviewing for the Goodfic Bin. I'm afraid I had a few issues with the story, causing me tor reject it.
Decision is here.