Twilight heaved again, more vomit spraying the toilet, she was sure she had expelled the ragwort ages ago, but her stomach was still revolting.
Another heave and black spots danced before her eyes. She groaned and hit her head against the toilet.
"Twilight? Are you alright?" Spike called.
"'m fine Spike, just sick." Twilight lied. Kill me. Kill me. Please gods above kill me. I'm a useless worthless failure anyway.
"Are you sure? I could send a letter to Celestia or the hospital."
"No!" Twilight screamed.
Spike leapt back from the door at the fierceness of her retort. He knew something was very wrong, and for the first time, he ignored Twilight, and went to send a letter to Celestia.
The darkness clouded her vision and she blinked to clear her eyes.
Had it worked after all? This didn't look like Tartarus, nor Elysium though she doubted she'd get there.
"Hello?" She called.
"Twilight." A sad voice whispered.
She turned to the mare, and stared in shock. It was Night Fire, her cousin who'd died several years ago in an accident.
"Twilight, you can't do this. It's not time for you to be here yet." The silver mare said gently.
"Where am I?" She croaked.
"The boundrylands. I felt you near, and came to try and stop this. You are young Twilight, you have a life ahead of you! Loved ones!" The mare exclaimed.
"Yeah, so many, the friends I barely talk to and the family that hurts me?"
"Family is much more than blood. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." it means, family by choice, brothers-in-arms, is a much stronger bond than those you are born to. You are not obligated to love those related to you." The mare said.
"Twilight!"
A voice was calling her.
"Go back Twilight, it is not your time. And maybe this time, have some honesty with your friends."
"I-I can't go ba-"
What felt like lightning slammed through her and Twilight cried out in pain.
"They are calling you back Twilight, you will not have a choice."
The lightning again and Twilight coughed as she returned to her body.
"She's back now, heart rate elevated by otherwise steady. Take her in, now."
There was darkness all around her, fire was coursing through her veins, and a familiar voice was calling her.
The scene changed, it was the Everfree Forest now, a mantacore was charging her.
Another change and she was being beaten, crawling to try and get away from her tormentor.
Whiteness overtook the scene and she was stabbing herself with a knife, then her brother was holding her down. A memory so terrible she screamed and tried to push it away, but it happened anyway again and again.
A classroom, a baby dragon, pure elation at leaving behind her family, mistaken as excitement at being taken on as Celestia's personal student.
White.
Whiteness was everywhere. She could hear crying.
"Where am I?" She asked herself aloud.
"Twilight!" Spike cried. "You're awake!"
"Spike?" Twilight turned to the voice and saw him sitting in a hospital chair. A hospital, she was in a hospital.
"You accidentally ate ragwort they called it, so I got the emergency ponies to take you to the hospital. I didn't know what it was but you were convulsing and vomiting and I didn't know what to do." He cried.
Twilight's ears went back in anger. Why had that stupid dragon called the paramedics?
"How did you mess up and eat poison Twilight?" Spike asked.
"I don't know." Twilight lied.
The dragon stared at her.
"Twilight...you... you didn't eat it by accident, did you?" He whispered.
"She did not." A voice answered, somehow angry and sad at once.
Princess Luna stepped into the hospital room.
"I saw your nightmares Twilight Sparkle, those were more than random fears, they were memories." She stated.
"No!" Twilight exclaimed, "They were just nightmares!"
"Liar." Luna hissed. "This is why you were so happy to be taken in by my sister when you were just a filly, was it not?"
"I am not li-" Twilight coughed, trying to fight back a sob.
"Did you tell Celestia?" Twilight asked angrily.
"I did not. She only knows you attempted to kill yourself and you are in the hospital, the work it took me to get in here before her was hell let me tell you."
"Spike, leave." Luna ordered.
The dragon glared.
"Now." She barked.
The dragon grumbled and left, and Luna cast a spell to insure no creature could eavesdrop.
"Twilight Sparkle, you will not lie about the truthfulness of dreams to a princess whose duties are to ward off nightmares. I know truth from fiction in the dreamscape young filly. You were ecstatic when mine sister offered you a personal place in her school, away from home, because your parents were abusing you in unimaginable ways. Were it up to me, they would be dead right now, but since there is no proof of what was done to you, well you can see how the citizens would take a princess executing supposedly innocent citizens. You however will not be returning to them, and you will be given therapy and work on this. I will personally be monitoring you in your home to insure you do not attempt something this rash again. Twilight, there is always a reason to live, no matter the pain of your past."
"I'm a shitty friend and an even worse student, so no there is not a reason." She hissed.
"So now you admit it was intentional, that is a good step." Luna sighed.
"Twilight." She said gently. "You cannot just run away from your problems. And if you had succeeded in ending your life, you would not have erased your pain, instead you would have magnified it and then passed it on to those who love and care for you. Thankfully, Spike has keen senses and knew something was very wrong when he could both smell the poison and feel your anguish."
"Spike...sensed it?" Twilight asked.
"Indeed, though he knows not precisely what he sensed, or he does and is denying it. His own nightmare was telling."
"I'm sorry." Twilight cried beginning to sob. "I just don't know what to do anymore."
"Fight. You fight and you beat these demons. You will also be getting therapy, that's not optional, I know all too well what happens when one allows their inner demons to take control of their lives."
"I'm so sorry." Twilight sobbed.
"Stop. You are in pain Twilight, and you need not be sorry to me. The ones who surely need reassurance are your friends, they will be here soon, I advise honesty, but will not judge you for dishonesty, though Applejack may notice. I shall return Twilight, farewell."
i cant believe i'm asking this but will there be more chapters?
-- great story btw
My god... a story with this problems has been in my head for years now and i am not even kidding.
Is that bad?
Do continue if you dont mind i mean...hehehe..
8891972
Indeed! Updates might be a bit sporadic because I have moving plans shortly, but I had to get it out there and on a permanent medium just in case something happens to my computer during the move. And thank you.
Where to start with this? There's, unfortunately, numerous issues with development of the story and the content within. What looked like a rough, but decently written read with speedy updates turned out to be... incredibly flawed. I'll be sure to spoiler out my thoughts though, since my comment is honestly probably going to be as long as the story. Ugh. Not to mention, it'd be best for someone to read it first. But, I'm still going to be saying a lot more than 'get an editor' here, though you really need an editor badly.
First, I should start with these two things: with practice and a revision, this could be a much better story. You should honestly consider this way more like a first draft than anything. The second thing is that the title, descriptions, and cover art could be cleaned up a bit more to better showcase your story and show the effort you put into it. All of these are easy and superficial things, since the front page of your story is not the story itself.
Grammar-wise, and I'll just get this out of the way, your story is not, like, abysmal? I made a lot of similar mistakes to you when I first started out, but with the help of editors and other things cleaned them up. I don't actually expect a story to have perfect grammar, but when faced with something... blegh, it really ought to be addressed. So, I'm not going to hold that against you. However, the fact that you have nothing to compensate for the bad grammar does nothing in your favor.
One last thing I should say before really slicing into the meat of this story is that you a) might want to refine your author's notes so they read a bit more clearly and help the reader follow along with what you try to establish and b) should probably consider adding anything along the lines of 'A Season Two AU' in your description. Your story seems to have nothing from Season Three onward that could bear relevance to the subject matter and characters: no Crystal Empire, No Alicorn Twi, No Castle, and no Flurry.
Everything from here on contains marked spoilers and discussion of potentially triggering material.
Opening with a suicide attempt isn't a problem. Opening with suicide attempt that's not well-delivered, built-up, or follow the character very well and how suicidal actions would be expressed by them is a problem. Night Fire was... an odd addition. Both Twilight's apparently dead cousin and the Boundarylands (which should be capital if that's how you wish to write it) could use little brushes of worldbuilding and other elements worked in to make their inclusion meaningful and natural. Twilight's internal dialogue does not feel like Twilight, suicidal or otherwise. Her trauma is not even foreshadowed and woven into the story well here, when it should be most such a driving point. What I will give you credit for is knowing ragwort is toxic to horses... but that's it.
Since I've already read the story before typing this: Princess Luna is such a huge problem in this story. Your entire plot honestly should have gone through another draft or so, but there's other points for discussion on why later. It makes total sense for Princess Luna to be the one to be able to intervene (So, on a side note, I guess you included dream-walking) and to be able to offer moral support and help Twilight deal with things in a story like this.
It does not make any sense for Princess Luna to be so chummy and attempt motherly gestures or anything at Twilight, and she latches onto her so rapidly and unrealistically that she feels like Luna in dialogue only (and even she feels OOC in later examples of dialogue). In canon up to the point you use - season two - Twilight and Luna are clearly established as something a bit below friendship or equal to it. (And, in canon, their relationship is basically just a professional one as 'fellow princesses' and hardly anything more.) You have zero foundation for this relationship that comes out of nowhere and simply tosses itself carelessly on the 'All forms of TwiLuna 5eva!!' headcanon cart that's nearly a living, breathing buzzword in this fandom and more often than not treats the two like total soulmates without anything to make... just anything about it work. Luna's choice to adopt Twilight so quickly (adoption processes still take time, no matter who you are) not only makes no sense, but isn't really possible. The story even mentions this in a later chapter. Twilight Sparkle is a full grown adult, and therefore, cannot be adopted.
If you really needed that adoption-like angle, having Celestia, an established caretaker and mentor to Twilight, take Twilight in again and see to her would make for a wonderful, fitting story. She's a character who can easily be written as a mother figure, and there would be no forced plot or anything. Just a compassionate drama story. Using Cadance would also work, but from a more sisterly angle. Both these ponies are written as supporting Twilight through this ordeal. All of them would make so much more sense than Luna, who in your poorly paced story is just tossed in here 'just because'. Of course, Luna could still work as a supportive figure (just, not a mother, again, that whole thing doesn't make sense) for Twilight and the primary one, if you tried to write more to develop a whole new relationship and build it in a meaningful way, as well as get past their rather opposing personalities.
At this point, I'll be breaking my full thoughts on this into multiple comments for you.
oh why does it have to start with her talking to a ghost or a divine being?
okay I don't like how she handles it.
You should rewrite Lunas part I don't likes her so far.
Hmm... An interesting premise to be sure. It's rough, but this has potential. Get an editor and someone to bounce ideas off of, as well as check the characters progression - some buts feel very rushed. I am curious to see you develop as a writer!
Hmm... Okay so I also went through something similar and I say your accuracy is mostly there the only problem I have is how fast the pacing of the story is.
Deep, man, just...deep.