TALES OF THE DESERT RAT

Tales of a half breed gunfighter that was born in the Equestria badlands raised on war and violence. He roams the Equestria frontier hunting down bounties
author's note first time writing

Chapters (4)

the stranger · 20th Jul 2018 · 1,705 words
1,705
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THE SICK AND THE DEAD · 27th Nov 2018 · 3,988 words
3,988
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MANEHATTAN GOLD PART 1 · 27th Jan 2019 · 2,043 words
2,043
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MANEHATTAN GOLD PART 2 · 31st Aug 2019 · 3,151 words
3,151
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Comments ( 8 )

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Artamiel

Artamiel #1 · Oct 26th, 2018 · 3 · · the stranger ·

For your first time, I must say it's pretty good. It's interesting too that I was reading your story and waiting for red dead redemption 2 to finish downloading. Because your story has a western vibe.

BlackCat Productions25

BlackCat Productions25 #2 · Nov 8th, 2018 · 4 · · the stranger ·

Congratulations, you are our first story on our community. With your permission, would you like for your story to be put on our Yotube channel?

Comment posted by anarchywolf18 deleted Jan 27th, 2019

leeroy_gIBZ

leeroy_gIBZ #4 · Aug 27th, 2019 · · · MANEHATTAN GOLD PART 1 ·

Reviewed.

The Red Parade

The Red Parade #5 · Mar 5th, 2020 · 3 · · MANEHATTAN GOLD PART 2 ·

Not a bad story! As a western I think it's pretty solid, right amounts of action and plot. I did spot a few grammar and formatting mistakes throughout the chapter, you might want to get those looked at. I think you're doing this anthology style, meaning each chapter is sort of a one-shot, and I'm not sure how I feel about this. You bring up a lot of interesting lore bits but don't really develop them.

That'll be my first point I guess. There's a lot to unpack here. I'd love to know more about what a half-breed is, why it's hated among Equestria, and how exactly he's able to levitate a gun despite not being a unicorn. You also mention a civil war here and there but there isn't a whole lot of detail. Who's fighting who? Who won? These are all interesting lore bits that you don't mention much. I'd love to see some overarching plotlines, which you might do in the future with things like the Order mentioned by the doctor.

You could probably also benefit from adding a few more details. I'll take the opening chapter as an example. It starts with the sentence 'A pony walked into the town of Hell's Gate.' As it stands this sentence is fine, but consider adding details to give us a feel for what the town is like. Maybe you could describe the warm sand under his hooves, warmed by the desert sun, or the wooden shacks that dot the horizon? I'm just spitballing here but you get the idea.

Characterwise I don't have much to say. Desert Rat's clearly a professional who is experienced and does this for a livelihood. But much of his past isn't revealed to the audience. We do get hints about what he's like from his actions, like how he treats Mage Meadowbrook and protects her, but there isn't much else. Most of the characters he interacts with end up dead before the end of the chapter anyways. I don't know if you plan to add some development later down the line, but it couldn't hurt.

I do want to ask one thing, though. What's up with the titles? The title of the story is written all caps and the first chapter is written in all lowercase. I'd recommend going for consistency as it's a little distracting to look at. And as I said earlier I did notice a few formatting issues where you didn't add a space in between lines. There's a few grammar pieces here and there too, I think at one point in the second chapter you suddenly switch to present tense out of nowhere and go back to past tense.

So overall, I think this is a pretty nice action piece. There's a few things you can add to the story to make it even better, and a few spots of grammar that you can tight up as well.

Hope that helped,

Red.

flutterJackdash