A band of mercenaries, composed of griffons and bat ponies and led by a one winged griffon are on a quest for cold hard cash, killing whatever gets in their way.
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 21st Feb, 2018
- offline last seen March 26th
anarchywolf18
I'M A COWBOY AT HEART AND A BARBARIAN BY NATURE
anarchywolf18
Joined 21st Feb, 2018 ·
Offline
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Why do you use all capital letters for your story titles?
9456506
I thought I was supposed to do that
Well that's nice and all, but mind telling me what the story is about?
9586979
The story is kinda like Red Dead Redemption 2 but instead of outlaws its mercenaries
9591433
The point I'm getting at is the description doesn't tell the reader what the story is about. Also I never played Red Dead Redemption 2, so I still have no idea.
9591534
The story is about a band of mercenaries on a quest for money killing whatever that gets in their way
9591574
Put this in the description so people have an idea of what the story is about.
9591601
OK
I came here on your request for feedback. Just looking at the title page, I can already see problems.
9644327
Well if you see any problems tell me
9644330
I'll tell you more in a bit, when I'm on a PC.
9644344
OK
9644349
See you then.
OK. The first issue I can see is the description. It makes no grammatical sense, and has a different meaning to what you probably intend. Here's an alternative;
A band of mercenaries, composed of griffons and bat ponies and led by a one winged griffon are on a quest for cold hard cash, killing whatever gets in their way.
9644491
That sounds awesome
9644509
Hope it helps. I'd also advise getting some cover art.
9644513
I like to get some cover art but I don't have the money for it
Try looking on DeviantArt. I typed MLP Mercenaries into the search box and got the following result:
https://www.deviantart.com/popular-all-time/?section=&global=1&q=mlp+mercenaries&offset=0
9644518
I'm I allowed to copy to paste it or i'm ask them to use their work
9644524
All you need to do is download one you like, then use the 'insert art' button. Nothing to it, really.
9644527
really
9644528
Yeah. Give it a go.
9644529
is this good
9644575
Gets the idea across.
9644581
I hope so
9644586
I'll give your chapters a look now.
9644587
cool
9644588
From what I've read thus far, I'd leave them.
9644590
what do you mean
9644593
As they are.
Your prose is decent enough. If anything, improve your short and long descriptions. Appeal to the reader's self-interest. Try to present a hook on why should read your fic. More than that, however, learn how to market yourself better, and you'll find the means to improve all your other issues.
Hope this helps at all.
~ Yr. Pal, B
9644590
Thank you. I edited them myself.
9645043
No problem. I assume this is the type of 'editing' you did with LonelyFanboy48s 'work'.
9645275
Not even close. This author knows what they're doing. Just tidy some paragraphs, touch up the dialogue, and it's good to go.
9645410
Ah. That's a relief. The description was a little messy, but apart from that it's very good.
9644852
How do I market myself also Thank you for the feedback
9458230
You're not. The title of the story can be whatever you want. Hell, I once saw a story with no title at all. Also, shouldn't the griffin in the picture only have one wing?
9695904
I took you advice and not capitalize every letter in future chapters. and pic of the griffin its hard to find a pic of a one winged griffin mercenary also the pic is not the leader but a character that's gonna be in future chapters I just don't know his name yet
Reviewed.
Untill oblivion
I'm actually liking this story. Very Conan the Barbarian or Kull the Conqueror.
One thing that kept bugging me was that each paragraph was maybe one sentence long. You could group a lot of them together to make paragraphs.
10488303
Thank you I'm a big fan of Robert e Howard and I was inspired to write a story similar to his. also thank you for your feedback I will try to fix that in later chapters.
9824986
Honestly, "Until Oblivion" would have made a great name for this chapter instead of the one we got. Heck, it might make a better name for the story at large. It's just... so stinkin' cool.
I love this story it's not bad
10575789
Thank you.
dnd commode!
My Little Reviews & Feedback I did your review.
AI Review: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/217075/ai-reviews/thread/522507/the-savage-sword-by-anarchywolf1865-10