- Member Since 28th Mar, 2016
- offline last seen February 7th
Umbra Animo
a guy with way to much time a love of world creating and a very DARK mind point for who can guess my translated name
Umbra Animo
Joined 28th Mar, 2016 ·
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This one reads with rapt attention.
I'm giving leeway because this is your first attempt, but this really does need work. The flow is choppy, the dialogue is forced and out of character, the punctuation is limited, and the whole thing just doesn't sit right with the editor in me.
Don't take this as a reason to give up. My advice would be to get an experienced editor who knows about writing, take some classes on fiction writing, and then sometime in the future, come back and rewrite this with your newfound knowledge.
You have an intriguing story idea, it just needs to be done by someone with more know-how. You can be that person, but your going to need to take it upon yourself to learn how to write a good story.
8734570
oh yeah this is unedited i hopefully can get a editor soon and i am manly doing stories like this to do exactly that learn how i plan to either write stories or storyboard for games so writing fanfics will help me out with that also thanks for the fav
wow so twilights friends and family not only stab her in the back, they have to be that guy and praise ehr to make it seem like there good people as well? i hope her lich rips them to shreds.
8734618
while i have no plan for them to actually die Twilight death and later meeting them as a lich will not be fun times for them. though it will be more emotionally over physically
8734638
as long as the karma is hard and there is no 'oh our bad' 'it's okay' BS you have my interest.
8734642
oh no their are going to be tears lots of them and none of them are going to be from Twilight
1 so will this have a semi good ending with twilight being brought back?
2 so this is a flutter twi
3 I am assuming they are embellishing since twilight never actually defeated the major, she merely reunited mother and child
8734675
Twlight will remain a lich tho she will not decay
2 its a failed ship as in Twilight and flutter-shy will not be getting back together but Twilight will be romantically involved with somepony later i am going for a life and death so twilight will be alicorn of death later and be with the alicorn of life
3 i was talking about how she was able to lift the minor its likely ursa's are very magically resistant and its size means it must be heavy being able to lift it turn water in to milk and such is her sign of power
Ahh divergence from the wedding, as long as things don't go random and make a certain level of consistency I'm interested, also surprised that Pinkie's pinkie sense didn't predict this one, Twishy would have never worked anyway. (under these circumstances anyway)
8734682
yeah while i have no problem with a twishy ship i decided it would likely add to the story if their was a failed ship
8734681
2 so is fluttershy still going to try though
8734683
I think the ship was unnecessary but hey you do you.
8734688
most likely but not for a while since i dont plan for Twilight to stay in equestria as a lich
Eh I don't think anyone's first story should be something as easy to get wrong as suicide.
Your grammar needs work, a lot of work. Grammar is super important in how a story reads, if you were to watch a TV show and the entire cast of characters that are meant to be your age spoke at a kindergarten level you wouldn't be itching to come back.
I'm not hammering that point in to bash you just to give you perspective, some newer writers ignore their grammar as if there's nothing they can do about it. There are several word programs that do basic grammar checking from Microsoft to Google Docs, there's also several browser plugin's for Crome, Explorer, Firefox, etc that will tell you if you've misspelled something, though your problem was more the wrong words spelled correctly as in nearly every "now" was "know" instead. I've never used it but I hear Grammarly is free and that will even work on mobile.
Aside from the grammar, at the end the true newby shines through with dialogue. It's hard to do, you avoided the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome but just in case that was coincidence never replace pronouns like him or her with descriptors like "the baker", "the librarian", or the infamous "the lavander unicorn" it is another common mistake new writers will make.
The dialogue was very basic (but perfectly serviceable) with the "speech" X said, says, replied. It's good you mixed up the says with other things to keep it from being too repetitive. The next level up will be filling out your conversations with actions and descriptions of the physical scene. You are painting a picture with words, it's easy to know what's going on in your own mind and to see the scene play out while only writing down what's being said, but painting the rest for the reader will not only fill out your conversations and make them flow better but also pad out your word count in the best way possible, with details.
Notice how you can mix the speech descriptors into the center of the paragraph occasionally to avoid conversations sounding too repetitive, also notice how you can get rid of them entirely on occasion by describing an action taken by the character and then having them say something.
You can also dictate how immediate a response is by ignoring it entirely as long as the reader knows
Character X asked a question to Character Y
Character Y responded to Character X
Character X made a statement based off that response.
The most important thing is to never confuse the reader in how you write. Your writing didn't, but going forward and getting better at writing using these more advanced techniques might cause confusion as you try to learn how to use them correctly.
Last thing I'll mention cause this is getting really long is transitions.
There is probably a lot of right ways to use the meanwhile transition I'm not sure this is it though, an easier way that I've seen a lot of great authors on this site use is a scene brake or page brake, don't know the exact term for it. It looks like this though.
The page break allows a cleanly cut transition from one scene to the next the hardest part about it is starting the new scene but that's because that's always one of the hardest parts. You can use different symbols like ***, ~~~, or ••• but I'd suggest only using three cause people who use the site's text to speech get spammed with the voice saying asterisk for every asterisk and making an entire line of them across the page takes awhile for it to stop.
At the start I'd suggest just focusing on grammar. A lot of the rest I wrote is extra stuff that will make you better going forward, and if you try it all at once you might end up biting off more than you can chew at one time.
8734710
Thank you for your words i will admit to being a new write i plan to use these stories to improve my writing skills and i hopefully will be getting a editer soon
hell yeah
i wNt to see this continue please
dont be like other good uncontinued stories please i beg
thats all thanks
8734813
Oh i plan to finished this
8734579
If I had to say to start somewhere, it would be with proper punctuation.
8734831
Ok
I like this story. You have my full support. Continue the good work.
8735483
Second chapter is in the works
8735548
I'm looking forward to it, oh and also have a follow.
8735564
Never mind already following
8735570
Cool
I'll track this, because I am intrigued by this, but you need to find an editor to clean things up.
8736178
Already got on but they can only do it on the weekends
Lying about her death...yeah that's not going to backfire at all.
8744649
Most likely i do want to point out celastia is not evil or the antagonist.
8744658
Still she is making a very unwise decision here.
8744687
never said she was
I found some errors and some areas where it could be better not sure how to submit that but I kinda see where Celestia is comming from more the whole " this would cause a massive ammount of unrest, paranoia and mistrust even more" and ."not only im heartbroken but others aswell and this dramma would only make things worse."
8744658
maybe but she clearly doesn't care as much as she claims or else is starting down the path to insanity. she lied about twiligths death to save her own skin, it was selfish on any grounds. well you may not intend for her to be an antagonistic, there is no interpretation of her actions that would be considered not antagonistic.
8734714
hopefully happy ending via revival to alicorn, that or sweet sweet vengeance and death to all who wronged her with lulu or moonie at her side
Isn't that stupid what celestia did in the fact that the public will be wanting updates on this supposed changeling murderer
8744790
I do want to add she was saving the element bearers too
Luna had start watching her back. She just about stood up for herself again and we all know how the first time went down.
Well this was well done.
8745248
that doesn't really help the issue here, she's obstructing justice to the advantage of herself and others in her direct circle, at best you could argue her cronyism is good natured. the full story's got to come out, honestly i'm more hoping this eats at applejack until she finally discloses the truth, because what celestias done is wrong no matter how it's spliced.
8745829
Hmm good idea but yeah she mostly did the hiding because the idea that the element bearers basically helped push Twilight to suicide even unintentionally would likely make them either hated or social pariahs and that cpuld ruin the apple family and both rainbow's and rairty's lifes and dreams
8745910
oh i am perfectly capable of seeing her reasoning and understanding it to a degree, the reason i'm playing devils advocate is because her reasoning is coldly political in nature, and contrary to what would be just and right. i enjoy your writing immensely and enjoy seeing how this goes.
i just can't agree with celestias actions, and honestly not sure if luna well let it slide given her reaction.
this is a good story so far. Since in the summary you mentioned tht twilight comes back as a lich I would have fluttershy be the one to bring her back somehow because she regrets what she did and doesn't what to live without her.
8746374
Sorry but fluttershy will not be bring her back or be the main romance character thats were tge oc tag comes in originally
I hope twilight is not an evil lich but more of grey lich who has to hide fact she twilight form rest of the world but her family/friends knew the truth that she back or at least fluttershy knows,
8746438
that to bad, that is one of my favor ships,
I know I have to be patient with this new story, but could you post the next chapter pleaseeeeeee
8792418
Sorry been busy past few days and the next chapter deals with a lot of emotions
Considering its the actual funeral and all and this is not a the main 5 and celastia are dicks tbey are going to be feeling terrible during that
8792508
Ok
Nice chapter. Good luck with your next one
8854832
thanks and sorry if the second half was kind of dull i think i burned my self out a little with the first half