Space Star is a alicorn who has voices in her head. She lives with Twilight Sparkle in The Castle Of Friendship. She would do anything for Twilight, she would even fight for her.
I have to say it is a bit cliche, the fact that the character is not only an alicorn but also lives with Twilight and is going through the events of the movie.
Personally I would suggest trying to expand upon the festival. What does Space Star do at the festival, is she just standing around waiting for something to happen or does she participate? Does she eat cake? Does she even like cake? Filling in information like this will help extend your word count. When it comes to a new character people want details, and people want to see them doing stuff.
Also since this is an alternate universe I do suggest having events unfold differently then they did in the movie (which you may have already done, I just don't know since I've only read this first chapter).
This is... uhh... "cute" in a good way. Nice click bate picture. Nothing can express how proud I am of you. My stories are very bad ja. Everyone will agree on that. I get very lazy comments can make or break. Don't stop no brudda.
Wow, I was actually grinning through the whole chapter. This brought up some nostalgia from back when I made my first (and so far, only) story. To the next chapter! ----->
I have to say it is a bit cliche, the fact that the character is not only an alicorn but also lives with Twilight and is going through the events of the movie.
Personally I would suggest trying to expand upon the festival. What does Space Star do at the festival, is she just standing around waiting for something to happen or does she participate? Does she eat cake? Does she even like cake? Filling in information like this will help extend your word count. When it comes to a new character people want details, and people want to see them doing stuff.
Also since this is an alternate universe I do suggest having events unfold differently then they did in the movie (which you may have already done, I just don't know since I've only read this first chapter).
I hope this feedback helps.
This is... uhh... "cute" in a good way. Nice click bate picture. Nothing can express how proud I am of you. My stories are very bad ja.
Everyone will agree on that. I get very lazy comments can make or break. Don't stop no brudda.
8673337
I will try that out
8673337
Hey, I have those voices in my head too! Only with everyone! Do I need therapy?
Wow, I was actually grinning through the whole chapter. This brought up some nostalgia from back when I made my first (and so far, only) story. To the next chapter! ----->
I just love critiquing opening lines. It's my passion, my hobby, my flame!
So let's take a look at yours.
>The sun was shining and there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. I was in my room sleeping.
So how the hell can our protagonist see the sun shining if she's asleep, exactly?
>I woke up from a long slumber with a cute yawn
Why would she call her own yawn 'cute'? What are the characteristics of a 'cute' yawn? This line left me confused.
Anyways, that's as far as I read before I surrendered trying to review this fanfic. Have a good day, sir/madam.