1
1
13
Joined July 2012
72
1,595
After finding and rescuing a desolate Trixie in the Everfree Woods, Spike realizes that he may harbor feelings for her. But after a recent heartbreak, is Spike willing to give love another chance?
Note: this is my first attempt at a Fimfiction. Any constructive criticism would be nice. Rated teen just in case
Now here's a pairing I haven't seen before. 
?
Anyway, I was hunting for mistakes being the critic I am, and miraculously, I only found one!
“I hope your going to be okay...”
It's You're, but I think it was a slight word slip rather than spelling.
Great buildup! PLEASE CONTINUE!
Well, right off the bat, before I actually read anything, I'd give this in the way of criticism: Try and find a more creative title. TrixieSpike, while... shall we say, indicative of the premise... isn't very interesting. The description is much better, although still a little bland. They may be "minor" things compared to the actual body of the story, but they really help grab a reader into the work and make them interested enough to read it.
Interesting pairing indeed. I don't think I've seen a X fic before. It has been good so far and I didn't spot any mistakes other than the one FlutterShay already mentioned. You have my attention, so I'll keep this on my radar.
Good luck with your future chapters.
Hunter C. Creed
I got so very excited when I saw this pairing that I didn't even notice how ridiculously obvious the title is. Seriously, I've been aching for a TrixiexSpike pairing forever.
As for how you're doing with it, you have a pretty firm grasp of the English language, but most of the dialog feels cheap and hackneyed, like you pulled out as many clichés as you could because you didn't quite know how these characters would pot these emotions into words. But that's nothing more experience won't fix, so keep writing! And reading. Read lots of books.
Can't wait for this to continue.
Okay, after reading this through (yeah, I know I'm slow), I have some actual critique for you.
First, on the technical issues. A number of places, you misused "Your". Remember "Your" is "belonging to you", "you're" is "you are". There were at least two or three places still left with that mistake. Also, make sure you capitalize properly. A couple of places, Spike and Rarity's names lacked capitalization, and there's an extra capital on the "One being" in the first paragraph. Finally, I found a typo in the phrase "but even we do start dating" (I think you wanted an "if" in there). Overall not a bad showing, but it could definitely use an editing pass.
Now, onto the story side. First thing's first: Why is Spike "confessing" to Rarity? You made mention of the Fire Ruby, so it's definitely after Secret of My Excess, an episode which makes it fairly clear that Rarity knows about Spike's feelings. The premise isn't bad, it just feels a bit off. Take the same situation and make it about Spike asking Rarity out rather than "confessing his feelings", and it would work a lot better.
Lastly, the actual writing. This is by far the most subjective area, so take it with a grain of salt. A few times, especially during the actual confession, the language felt a bit... how do I say this. A bit archaic and high-blown for a baby dragon talking to his crush. A bit of poetic language is to be expected in such a situation, but it feels a little out of character even so. Not badly so, but just a bit. As a final note, I'll say just this: be more descriptive. The fact that Twilight "felt a pang of guilt" tells be what's going on, but it isn't very interesting. Likewise where "Rarity looked a bit distraught." Try to show how they're acting and feeling with words, rather than just describing their mental state. Talk about the painful knot the guilt makes in Twilight's stomach. Describe how Rarity's eyes shoot open wide and she covers her mouth in astonishment. A few little things like that go a long way to making your writing more interesting.
Overall, it's a pretty decent story. Far from perfect, but more than acceptable for a first attempt.
PS. My comments about the title still stand. It certainly attracted attention, but that's mostly just people drawn in by the unconventional ship. A fun and interesting title will generally serve you better than just using the name of the shipping pair, especially if you ever attempt a story where the pairing itself is less of a draw. You're under no obligation to change it, of course, but at least keep it in mind for the future.
>>947356 : Thank you for your critical acclaim, I'll revise it again and take note of this for my further stories. Until then, feel free to continue to critique further chapters. But seriously, take it easy. As you said, it's good enough for a first attempt.
B'aww. So sweet. I love the fluff and all, but, if you don't mind a bit of a critique...
The pacing is just far too fast to really get invested in the story. You need to slow down, explain things more clearly, delve into the characters minds and explain how they feel in a less simplistic manner. Of course, when explaining these details, you can't go overboard. Otherwise the reader will lose interest... You're on the write track to improving, and you could do a whole lot worse.
The only other problem I really have is that you do so much explaining about how things work off screen. Instead of just saying that Trixie and the others bonded over time, show it. It's a lot harder to do that, but it adds to the story. Its like someone explaining a movie to their friend. It'll never be as awesome as experiencing it themselves.
Please, don't take these as major faults. You're certainly pretty dang good, you just need some practice and some guidance. You could easily use Google to look for some help on how to do these things. 
Worthy of a like, but I'm afraid I won't be tracking.
Yeah, but it's true Snips and Snails are retarded. They think every story is true and that getting covered in gum and being shaved bald makes them cool. They are the kinda guys that would see something on Jackass and try to copy it, fail and win a Darwin award.
Much as I love the concept of shipping Trixie and Spike, I can't say this is a great story. But it isn't bad, that's for darn sure. That twist just now was a terrific idea, although I thought for a second she was disguising some ugly deformity or something. It shows you're capable of writing a story with more going on beneath the surface; but next time you do that, drop some vague hints to foreshadow the revelation. Still, this concept of filly Trixie disguising herself really opens my mind to new avenues to explore with her character. It really is a great idea.
I say take PrometheusDark's advice. Everything he said is full of win, and I could never have said it as well as he did. You are doing well, but there's always room for improvement.
I don't know what to say. I honestly didn't see that coming 
I find myself thinking this needed some foreshadowing. I mean something that at least hints at what to come. Even dropping in something like, 'she was acting like a filly who had just been scolded'. That would have at least given us a small of clue.
Other than that and a couple of spelling and grammar mistakes, this is good. Keep it up.
Hunter C. Creed
Sorry for being so late with this one guys.
Truth be told, School started and i neglected this for two months. I didn't start working on this until about two weeks ago. ( ._.)
But, regardless, here's the new chapter, I promise I won't take this long to write the next. Enjoy! 
In the last sentence of the first big paragraph, you switched suddenly from past tense to present tense. It also seems pretty ludicrous that Trixie would be isolated to any part of Equestria at all and forced to live off the land; from the looks of things, any trip can be made on land. Think I mentioned that before. There are also a ton of grammar problems and word choice issued, but that's nothing that can't be fixed with more experience at writing.
Trixie's flashback was both tragic and beautiful, but it was rushed at times, some of the dialog was a little awkward, and there was too much detail in Flora's final stand.
Despite its flaws, I'm loving this fanfic mainly because of the pairing, and I am super-excited that you updated. Keep it up!
I agree with Trot. Any use of time travel to save someone never works out in the end it changes the present so all that has happened would be changed
Your origin reminded me of a sad comic about Trixie similar to yours.
and ensuedmaking it special
youralready 10 years old
plucked a petaloff
i'lltake your bet
1. Ensured.
2. You're.
3. Petal (and a few more instances near that line).
4. I'll.
Unfortunately, seems like most of us might not like the next chapter but none the less, we will still read and criticise when appropriate. Not me though, for I suck in criticising.
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
1,595 ( 4,702 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
Image: http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/327/a/3/the_unfortunate_and_sad_trixie_by_scotch208-d4h4ivj.png
Cancel
Send