It was early in the morning in Ponyville. The sun had only shown small slivers of light, and Luna's setting moon was still partially visible. It seemed as if everything was still asleep. Not even the birds had awoken, as you could not yet hear their euphoric chirps and wings fluttering in the distance. But despite all this, One being in Ponyville was awake.
One dragon, that is. Spike normally woke up early to do his chores, but today, he woke earlier then usual.
Today was the day. It was the day that Spike finally confesses his feelings to Rarity. Spike had woken up early in anticipation to the day's events. He checked under his bed. There, a small wrapped box lay undisturbed. Spike unwrapped it and took out the contents of the box. In his hand lay an azure sapphire that glistened as the dim rays of the sun that reflected through the window hit the flawless gemstone. This was at least twice the worth of the fire ruby that Spike had given Rarity, and to him, twice as delicious.
But this gem was not to eat, Spike planned to give this gem to Rarity. It was to be a present delivered alongside his confession, an added edge to show how much he loves her. He secured the sapphire back inside the box, re-wrapped the box, and hid it back underneath his bed.
It was time to begin his morning chores.
He had started with the mess that Twilight made during her usual late night studies. Books were scattered all across the library in unkempt piles, crumpled up parchments were thrown carelessly across the room, and a spilled bottle of ink lay on the floor away from the books. Spike sighed.
“Geez, Twi really needs to learn to clean up after herself...”
Once the aforementioned mess was cleaned, Spike noticed that it was near the time where Twilight woke up, and begun cooking breakfast. He pulled out a pan and started cooking some hay bacon and eggs.
Right on cue, he heard hoofsteps on the stairs. A groggy Twilight walked down, rubbing her eyes as she had just awoken.
“Morning, Spike.”
“Good morning, Twilight! I made breakfast.”
Twilight opened her eyes a bit more in awe as she looked at Spike's masterfully made breakfast sitting on a plate in front of her.
“Wow, Spike! This looks delicious!”
“Aww, thanks Twi...”
Twilight took a bite on some of the hay bacon that Spike made.
“So, you seem happier then usual this morning.”
Spike blushed. “You noticed?”
Twilight giggled as she chewed on the eggs. “Yeah, you've been grinning this entire time. And it's not everyday that you make us breakfast.”
“Oh. Well, I guess I'm just excited.”
“Excited? About what?”
“Today, I'm finally going to tell rarity how I feel about her.”
Twilight almost choked on some of the food she was eating.
“You okay, Twilight?!”
“Yeah, I'm fine, it's just...”
“You never expected me to say that? Yeah! I've finally mustered up enough bravery to tell her how I feel! I even have a gift for her.”
Spike went upstairs to get the gift, and swiftly went back down to show it to Twilight. He hands her the box, and told her to open it. Once her eyes were laid on the sapphire, her jaw dropped in complete astonishment.
“Oh Celestia, Spike, its beautiful!”
“Neat, huh? Do you think it will boost my chances with Rarity?”
Twilight closed her mouth and her eyes stopped glistening in amazement.
“...Yeah...I'm sure she will accept you...”
“What's wrong, Twilight? You don't sound too sure about it.”
“Nothing's wrong, I'm just a bit tired. Rarity is bound to love you if you give her this sapphire.”
“Well thanks, Twilight!”
“Yeah...”
“Anyway, I was wondering if I could take the rest of the day off. I already cleaned the library and made breakfast.”
“Sure, Spike...”
“All right! Thanks, Twi!”
Spike hugged Twilight, and all she could do is hug him back and feign excitement for his new-found courage.
“I have to prepare for the day, I want to look my best for when I confess to Rarity!”
As Spike went up the stairs, Twilight sighed and felt a pang of guilt.
Hours passed. Spike finished preparations for Rarity. He wore a tuxedo and had some cologne sprayed on, while the sapphire was in the box, ready to be given to Rarity. Spike began walking towards the door.
“Twilight, I'm heading out! See you later!”
“Ok, spike!”
Spike walked out the door. Twilight was left alone in the library. She sighed.
“I hope things don't go too bad...”
Spike started his walk to Carousel Boutique. Today was such a beautiful day. There was not a cloud in the sky, temperatures were optimal, and a gentle breeze rode through. He thought that he should thank the weather team later, but for now, he had more pressing matters.
He had arrived at the door of Carousel Boutique. He knocked, and Sweetie Belle answered. She noticed Spike's appearance.
“Heya Spike. Your looking mighty nice this evening.”
“Aww, thanks Sweetie Belle. Is Rarity here?”
“Yeah, she should be up in her room working.”
“Okay.”
When Spike walked in, Sweetie Belle saw the box that Spike was holding.
“Whats that you got there?”
“It's a present for Rarity.”
“Really? Can I see?”
“Sure, but don't tell Rarity.”
Spike took out the sapphire and showed it to Sweetie Belle. The sapphire seemed to glisten even more as the setting sun shined it's beams of light onto the sapphire. Sweetie Belle's eyes gleamed in amazement.
“Wow, Spike! That looks amazing!”
“Neat, huh?”
“Yeah, Rarity is going to faint when she sees that!”
“Promise not to tell her? I want this to be a surprise.”
“Okay, I promise.”
“Pinkie Pie promise?”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, Stick a cupcake in my eye.”
“Okay, I'm heading up. See you later Sweetie Belle.”
“Later, Spike.
Spike walked up the stairs to Rarity's designing room. As he walked in, he noticed Rarity talking to a mysterious gentlecolt. He must of been one of her customers, because he was dressed in a very delicate manner. Fashionable, yet refined in a gentle manner. Spike ignored this though, as he announced his entrance to Rarity.
“Hey Rarity.”
“Oh, Hello Spike! What brings you to Carousel Boutique?”
“Actually, Rarity, can I speak to you in private?”
“Sure.”
She turned to the stallion that she was speaking to earlier.
“We simply MUST continue this conversation some other time. My friend and I are going to discuss private matters.”
“Okay, Have a nice day, miss Rarity.”
“Good day, Darling!”
The gentlecolt took his leave. Spike was left alone in the room with Rarity. Now was the time.
“Yes, Spike?”
“Rarity...”
“What is it?”
“Rarity... every time I see you, I get this feeling... I start to get all warm inside, and my heart starts fluttering, and I just get... happy. When I look in your eyes, their deep blue consumes me, and when I see your smile, my heart starts beating a thousand times per minute. When I hear your voice, I can't help but get lost in it's perfectly pitched tone and beautiful accent. Your mane is more beautiful then that of Celestia’s, and your figure is more elegant then any fashion model. Rarity, I love you...”
Rarity looked a bit distraught.
“Oh dear.”
“... Whats wrong, Rarity? Don't you accept my love for you?”
“I'm sorry spike, but I cannot go with you.”
“Wha..?”
“Spike, don't get me wrong, Your the most caring, generous being I know. Nopony has been as kind to me as you. I appreciate all the help you've given me, and I nearly fainted when you gave me that beautiful fire ruby that you were going to eat for your birthday. You will always be my little Spikey-Wikey, but I cannot go with you.”
“What!? why?”
“Your much too young, Spike. I don't want to you hold you to that when I get older. As much as I hate to admit it, my beauty will fade someday. And I don't want you stuck with an... old hag... just for a minor crush you had when you were younger.”
“But Rarity, It's not a minor crush! I love you, and I will until the end of time!”
“Spike, I'm flattered, but even we do start dating, other ponies will start talking about us...”
“It doesn't matter! What matters is the love I have for you! Your all I want, Rarity! I don't care about what other ponies say!”
“Spike, that stallion you saw earlier was my new coltfriend. I have to start reaching for stallions my age, Spike. You came too late.”
“But...!”
“I'm sorry, Spike...”
Tears were now openly flowing down Spike's face. He ran out of Carousel Boutique as fast as he could. Pain filled his heart as he ran. He just got rejected by the pony of his dreams, all because he was too late.
He dashed into the library, throwing the present into a corner. He ran directly into Twilight's arms. The lavender pony warmly embraced Spike as he cried in her arms.
“W-Why didn't you tell me?” Spike sobbed.
“I'm sorry Spike, but you just seemed so excited about it. I didn't want to make you feel bad...”
“I feel humiliated now, Twilight! Y-You should of told me sooner...”
“I'm so sorry, Spike, I'm so sorry...”
The embrace went for about an hour until Twilight broke it. Twilight advised that he should get some rest, so that maybe he would feel better the next day. The baby dragon nodded and went to bed.
Deep in the night, Twilight heard Spike softly sobbing as he dreamed. She got up and softly kissed him on the forehead.
“I hope you're going to be okay...”
She trotted back to her bed quietly and slowly went to sleep.
Now here's a pairing I haven't seen before. ?
Anyway, I was hunting for mistakes being the critic I am, and miraculously, I only found one!
“I hope your going to be okay...”
It's You're, but I think it was a slight word slip rather than spelling.
Great buildup! PLEASE CONTINUE!
Well, right off the bat, before I actually read anything, I'd give this in the way of criticism: Try and find a more creative title. TrixieSpike, while... shall we say, indicative of the premise... isn't very interesting. The description is much better, although still a little bland. They may be "minor" things compared to the actual body of the story, but they really help grab a reader into the work and make them interested enough to read it.
poor spike
You know what pairing I haven't seen before? Well, after this one.
I haven't ever seen a Spike/Discord pairing.
But that's not important.
This fic, I like this fic, do not fail me.
I LOVE IT! the way you right is good I want to see more I LOVE IT!
Interesting pairing indeed. I don't think I've seen a X fic before. It has been good so far and I didn't spot any mistakes other than the one FlutterShay already mentioned. You have my attention, so I'll keep this on my radar.
Good luck with your future chapters.
Hunter C. Creed
= Instant favorite.
I got so very excited when I saw this pairing that I didn't even notice how ridiculously obvious the title is. Seriously, I've been aching for a TrixiexSpike pairing forever.
As for how you're doing with it, you have a pretty firm grasp of the English language, but most of the dialog feels cheap and hackneyed, like you pulled out as many clichés as you could because you didn't quite know how these characters would pot these emotions into words. But that's nothing more experience won't fix, so keep writing! And reading. Read lots of books.
Can't wait for this to continue.
Interdasting...
You have my attention.
this caught my eye, please continue this story, fellow brony
929412 : Fix'd
929414 : I'm sorry, but it's what i thought of and i'm sticking to it. And from these comments, It seems to be attracting attention nicely enough.
Trixie and Spike? Well, let's see... he's kinda smart because of all work he's done for Twilight, but still an child without much expirience... she's talented and good with social interactions but lacks humility... They complete each other well.
Interesting concept, now tracking
strange paring but good opening this is a story to pay attention to
M O A R spells NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not bad, new and interesting. I like it.
Okay, after reading this through (yeah, I know I'm slow), I have some actual critique for you.
First, on the technical issues. A number of places, you misused "Your". Remember "Your" is "belonging to you", "you're" is "you are". There were at least two or three places still left with that mistake. Also, make sure you capitalize properly. A couple of places, Spike and Rarity's names lacked capitalization, and there's an extra capital on the "One being" in the first paragraph. Finally, I found a typo in the phrase "but even we do start dating" (I think you wanted an "if" in there). Overall not a bad showing, but it could definitely use an editing pass.
Now, onto the story side. First thing's first: Why is Spike "confessing" to Rarity? You made mention of the Fire Ruby, so it's definitely after Secret of My Excess, an episode which makes it fairly clear that Rarity knows about Spike's feelings. The premise isn't bad, it just feels a bit off. Take the same situation and make it about Spike asking Rarity out rather than "confessing his feelings", and it would work a lot better.
Lastly, the actual writing. This is by far the most subjective area, so take it with a grain of salt. A few times, especially during the actual confession, the language felt a bit... how do I say this. A bit archaic and high-blown for a baby dragon talking to his crush. A bit of poetic language is to be expected in such a situation, but it feels a little out of character even so. Not badly so, but just a bit. As a final note, I'll say just this: be more descriptive. The fact that Twilight "felt a pang of guilt" tells be what's going on, but it isn't very interesting. Likewise where "Rarity looked a bit distraught." Try to show how they're acting and feeling with words, rather than just describing their mental state. Talk about the painful knot the guilt makes in Twilight's stomach. Describe how Rarity's eyes shoot open wide and she covers her mouth in astonishment. A few little things like that go a long way to making your writing more interesting.
Overall, it's a pretty decent story. Far from perfect, but more than acceptable for a first attempt.
PS. My comments about the title still stand. It certainly attracted attention, but that's mostly just people drawn in by the unconventional ship. A fun and interesting title will generally serve you better than just using the name of the shipping pair, especially if you ever attempt a story where the pairing itself is less of a draw. You're under no obligation to change it, of course, but at least keep it in mind for the future.
947356 : Thank you for your critical acclaim, I'll revise it again and take note of this for my further stories. Until then, feel free to continue to critique further chapters. But seriously, take it easy. As you said, it's good enough for a first attempt.
Yourall I want, Rarity
1. You're.
Now onto the next chapter
only thing that really bothered me....you made Sweetie Belle talk a lot like Applebloom or Applejack would
I can't really hear or see sweetie belle saying "You're lookin' mighty fine Spike"