There is one whom we know... One who shares our pain... One we willingly follow.... One we love.
Something that hit me completely out of nowhere as I was about to go to sleep that I HAD to get down. As it developed it transformed from a oneshot to sort of a interlude between "Her Sword, Shield, and Friend" and "A Fresh Perspective". While it is an interlude you don't have to read "Her Sword, Shield, and Friend" to understand this story. It can stand on its own.
Strangely inspired by the credits song to the Discovery Channel's special "Mermaids: The Body Found" which was an excerpt from Flugufrelsarinn by the Kronos Quartet. I believe it was mixed with some of the calls from the acoustic anomaly known as the bloop.
Many thanks to Confix for allowing me use of this amazing work as cover art. Unfortunately it would seem the DA account has been closed. I've run image searches to try and track them down but it seems if they have a presence on the internet, it's not associated with this image anymore, which is a shame really.
And, as always, thanks to my proofreader ShyYoungBrony. You are awesome.
Wooo, I'm not only the first to have read, thumbed up and faved this but I also get the privilege of first comment
!
Concerning the story, it is a wonderful piece and I would highly recommend reading it. Your depiction of Luna's imprisonment and the help she received during that time is executed perfectly, as well as the second part regarding the influence that help has had on her returned self. I really hope I don't spoiler too much for all those who read comments first, but anyway for a great read you are awarded another best pony:
921091
Fluttershy is indeed best pony... well... she ties with Luna anyway
I'm really glad you enjoyed this, your support is eternally appreciated.
Dude, this is cool.
929006
Thanks
1954412
To this I would also advise getting rid of:
to
This is stuff you can say in author's notes. Keep in mind that a synopsis is the first thing the reader will see. Aside from thanks for art and editing, it's best to avoid any meta-stuff as it can turn off some readers. Sticking with just what the story is about raising questions and spikes reader's interests.
1954412 Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I'll be sure to give your other story a read.
Story: The Guide to the Stars
Grammar: 10 (I had no problems at all
)
Pros:
- This was a beautiful little piece, I teared up a bit reading the conversation between Luna and Celestia.
- Which I might add was wonderfully well written.
- I feel you captured the fragmentary thought processes of the stars very well.
Cons:
- You could have....the bit with.....nah screw it I loved all of it
Notes: I am definetly putting those other fics on my read later list. Thank you for the story.
If you could read and review Winter Solstice I would be much appreciated.
1954901
I'm really glad you enjoyed it, and I'll be sure to read your story a little later tonight.
Thanks for the review
Name of Story: The Guide to the Stars
Grammar (out of 10): 10/10
Pros: The double meaning with "the stars will aid in her escape" was a nice touch.
Short and sweet story.
Cons: After this break;
you should try to establish the surroundings of the place where Luna and Celestia were speaking, just a little. I did not know where they were during the conversation until the guard showed up, and even then it was kinda vague.
Notes: Cool little story. I feel like the music was what made you 'feel the feels' and not your writing. Then again, emotional scenes don't really work on me unless done really, really, well. Not that your story isn't done well, that is. You got your point across and the emotion was portrayed well enough that you can sympathize with the Luna. Nice job. You've earned a like and a fav. If you could, check out my story, An Uncanny Harth's Warmth.
1955309
Thanks for the review. Yeah, the music is what put the story in my head to begin with so it ended up more the song painting images and me turning them into a pony story. I'll be sure to get to your story tomorrow.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Guide to the Stars
Grammar (out of 10): 10/10
Pros:
-The feeling you give to the story is incredible, and though the music (which fits perfectly) is beautiful, the writing, at least for me, was very touching.
-The characters are very well displayed and even if most of the story is introspective dialogue, you keep it interesting.
- I loved how you took that simple phrase
and made a great story out of it, truly something unique.
Cons:
- I feel that you could have added something of the second coming of Nightmare Moon, but you seem to skip that part or its so brief of a mention to make it clear.
- You could establish a brief setting of where Luna is when Celestia arrives. (Could help to add to the mood of the story)
- I can not think of a third, sorry... ok, so con: because you story is so perfect, I am unable to complete this review.
Notes: Youre story is truly one of my favorites in this site, and I am very picky so I say this with all honesty, You just earned yourself a follower, cant wait to read more from you.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Myth I would really love your input on it.
1971533
Thanks for the review and the follow! I'm really glad you enjoyed the story and I hope you like my other work as well
This review is brought to you by Authors Helping Authors. (I'm really glad to see that this group has already made some reviews. It means the system's working
)
Grammar score: 9.5/10 (The highest mark I ever give; there's always room for improvement.)
Pros:
- I loved the music. It helped set the atmosphere really nicely, and it was subtle enough to not distract my reading. Great choice. I also like the cover art you've chosen, although the source link seems to be dead. I guess the artist removed it or something.
- The metaphors and descriptions you used for the stars were fantastic. You didn't say that they were stars until later on, but it was made clear through the great illustrations of them.
- I really enjoyed the way you personified the stars; giving them lines and traits so they sound like real people. It's a good way of provoking emotion, and it did just that.
- A sweet, short little story. You managed to get a point across in a limited amount of words, a thing that many authors struggle with. You also did it quite nicely, in my opinion.
Cons:
- You seem to overuse ellipses just a bit. Try to hold off on overuse of any kind, whether it be punctuation, words, phrases or scenarios.
- The tags seem a little off. This looks and feels like a [sad] as much as it is a [slice of life].
- The guard at the end. Night Wing. He seems to speak to the princesses very casually, despite being a member of the guard. I would suggest one of two things. First, you could elaborate as to why this guard can be so informal with the princesses, since they are the ruling bodies of Equestria whom everyone in the land reveres. Or, since this is a oneshot focusing on one point of interest, you could just have the guard's significance removed from the story. Make him speak formally, give him a real reason for looking for Luna (what was going on before Luna 'disappeared'?), and maybe even take out his name. But as it stands, Night Wing is too noticeable of a character for a 1k-ish word oneshot. yet you don't give a proper reason for his introduction, or put in a major connection with him in the story. Don't leave things like that. Either strengthen the bond or cut it loose. A frayed rope never does anybody good.
- I feel that you were trying to say something there with 'the stars will aid in her escape'. However, I didn't really get the full effect because it was just kind of randomly thrown there, not standing out in a real way. If you want to put in a little message or something of the sort, separate it from the surrounding parts; put a little more emphasis or description into it. For example, you could write about the way the words were said.
Notes: I loved it. What more can I say? I believe I've put my notes of how to improve in the cons section.
I'll just drop this off here for you to read later. This was my first review, so tell me if I'm on the right track. I plan to get a lot more reading and reviewing done in the near future.
To anyone who hasn't joined, check out Authors Helping Authors! As you can see, it's a great way to get some views and reviews for your fics, and the system works!
2022801
Thanks for the for the review :) Yeah, unfortunately the artist closed down their DeviantArt account shortly after giving me permission to use that picture. As for Night Wing, this was originally written under the assumption that the readers had also read "Her Sword, Shield, and Friend." Admittedly it's not a solid excuse but back then the only people really reading my work were the 2 or 3 watchers I had so I always overlooked that he stood out. To be honest, everything after the break was sorta tacked on to buff out the word count so I could post the story. Again, bad excuse, but it is what it is.
I really appreciate the feedback, and I'll be sure to put it to good use in the future
I'll be checking your story out in return within the next few days.
2023497
Hello Cavemonkynick, I'm KarmaSentinal and I'm here to bring you a review on behalf of the Authors Helping Authors group!
Grammar: Great. The story is short and therefore makes it easy to distinguish.
Pros: Short, but holds the reader's attention throughout its duration and the feeling behind the words captures the premise without feeling unneeded. I haven't read the story this is suppose to prelude too but it does stand very well on its own and that quality besides its deeper meaning reinforces the story's strength.
Cons: While this isn't a con, I'm a sucker for longer one-shots but like I said this story does very well as is. Anymore words would likely detract from the meaning. Also, I was lost as to who Luna was referring to believing them to be the bat ponies, but than again I just went back and reread the title. lol
Notes: A very quick read but I did love it all the same. It was like having a tortilla and than adding butter and salt to create something even better than what you had starting off with. I had mentioned this to someone in another group, but I love Luna not because she is my favorite character but because of how little we know of her.
It has allowed many of us to use her characterization bones to flesh out many personalities that only get better as new ideas and Lunas are created. This (I'm not being mean here) doesn't dive to far from the beaten path of her basic show personality, but it does expand our thoughts by opening her soul to us so we can experience a snibit of what she mostly likely had felt. Plus having her being comforted by the stars and they by her was a great addition that kept me from feeling really sad and this balance of emotion is in my opinion the story's butter and salt.