Chapter 1
Reccomended Listening for reading this story.
Alone…
Such a simple word, alone… Yet it can carry the weight of the world, multiple worlds sometimes.
Alone…
It is easy to feel that way when you are drifting among literally nothing. Thousands, no, hundreds of thousands of miles away from my nearest kin as reality marches on.
Alone…
It has been this way for as long as I can remember although I am uncertain about how long that is… When time holds no meaning, how do you quantify eternity?
Alone…
I can see them, specks of existence just beyond my reach. I imagine they can see me too… I wonder if they feel the same, if they look out at their brethren and wonder why we were cast so far apart…
Alone… Almost…
She is calling again. Her mind reaches out to me from the darkness. I feel myself move to her pleasing. We are a medium upon her canvas. We are puppets, and she our master. We answer her willingly for she is a beacon to the scattered… The lonely. She knows of our pain. She knows solitude. Yet her suffering is far worse than ours.
My life alone is all I know, all I have ever known. For me it is routine. It is not circumstance, it is fact… But for her…
Anger, jealousy, betrayal, sorrow, contempt… Pain beyond what mere flesh can know. When she first called out to us she was ignorant to these things. She was full of joy and energy. She was our light. Her joy became passion and she was our pride.
Then she changed… It did not last long, but for a moment she was something else entirely. For the first time, we knew fear… Fear that our beacon of hope was forever corrupted. And as quickly as it came, it was gone.
When next she called us, she was broken. She no longer guided our dance among the nothing yet she still called to us. Our strings were pulled by another, but still we were her refuge, and she was still ours.
It continued like this for a while… Long enough to remember… She never left us. It was as if she was hiding herself among us, trapped not only away from her kind, but also trapped within herself. We felt her pain. The pain of a heart broken as a mind watches a body act without consent. The rage had consumed her and she had lost herself… She had lost everything…
Alone…
We offered what comfort we could. Her heart flowed among us as her mind and body brooded. Things could not remain as they were. She had been our hope, and now she was torn. As long as her body was imprisoned she could never be whole again. We gave her all our strength and we set her free…
Silence… And then… Joy greater than we ever remembered flooded our being. Our beacon had returned. Yet there was more. We knew each other better now. She remembered our comfort. She loved us, and we loved her. Soon our dance was returned to her and we knew bliss. My kin and I are closer now thanks to her…
She’s calling again… Our dance resumes anew as she embraces us… The moon is calling… Luna… As long as we burn, you will never be alone…
“Luna?” Celestia called. Luna was crying. At first Celestia was concerned but Luna turned to her and smiled.
“I am fine, sister.” Luna replied. “Tell me… While I was gone, did you feel anything among the stars?” Celestia thought back.
“I did.” She said. “I felt they were alive just as the Sun is.”
“Anything else?” Luna pressed.
“Not that I recall… Why?”
“They kept me safe.” Luna said. She closed her eyes, fresh tears rolling down her face. “When Nightmare moon consumed me, I reached out to them and escaped her. My soul danced among the stars. They comforted me in my time of need.”
“Oh Luna,” Celestia said, fighting back tears of her own. “I never knew.”
“I know them all by name,” Luna continued, “Each and every one of them. They all shared my pain… They were so alone…” Celestia pulled Luna into an embrace. For a moment Luna could only sob into her sister’s shoulder. Celestia wondered how she could have missed this. But of course the answer was simple. Even when Luna was lost to her jealousy the stars were still hers. Celestia could move the moon, and she could move the stars, but she couldn’t truly feel them, not the way she could her Sun. Luna’s sobs subsided a bit but she remained in her sister’s embrace.
“I am so grateful they were there for you when I could not be.” Celestia said.
“Sister, please,” Luna pleaded.
“You’re right,” Celestia sighed, “It’s behind us, and there it shall stay.”
“Thank you.” Silence hung between them again. After a while, Luna broke their embrace. “They helped me, you know.”
“Indeed I do,” Celestia nodded. “The stars will aid in her escape.” Luna cocked her head in silent question. “It’s a quote from a book of prophecy. Twilight Sparkle brought it to my attention just before you were freed.”
“Of course she did,” Luna smiled. There was a knock at the door.
“Princess Luna?”
“You may enter.” The door opened to reveal a Pegasus clad in the armor of the Lunar Guard. His coat was a deep but dull red, and his pale eyes were almost as white as his mane.
“Captain Night Wing.” Celestia said.
“Your highness,” Night Wing bowed, “I was just checking on Luna. She sorta disappeared on me.”
“Thank you Night Wing,” Luna smiled. “I’m fine.”
“Good,” Night Wing returned the smile.
“Well,” Celestia said, “I believe I shall retire for the night.”
“Rest well sister,” Luna called as Celestia left the room, closing the door behind her. Luna turned her attention to the stars once more.
“Are you sure you’re ok Luna?” Night Wing asked joining her at her window.
“Yes,” she replied. “I just needed some time among old friends.”
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Wooo, I'm not only the first to have read, thumbed up and faved this but I also get the privilege of first comment
!
Concerning the story, it is a wonderful piece and I would highly recommend reading it. Your depiction of Luna's imprisonment and the help she received during that time is executed perfectly, as well as the second part regarding the influence that help has had on her returned self. I really hope I don't spoiler too much for all those who read comments first, but anyway for a great read you are awarded another best pony:
921091
Fluttershy is indeed best pony... well... she ties with Luna anyway
I'm really glad you enjoyed this, your support is eternally appreciated.
Dude, this is cool.
929006
Thanks
1954412
To this I would also advise getting rid of:
to
This is stuff you can say in author's notes. Keep in mind that a synopsis is the first thing the reader will see. Aside from thanks for art and editing, it's best to avoid any meta-stuff as it can turn off some readers. Sticking with just what the story is about raising questions and spikes reader's interests.
1954412 Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I'll be sure to give your other story a read.
Story: The Guide to the Stars
Grammar: 10 (I had no problems at all
)
Pros:
- This was a beautiful little piece, I teared up a bit reading the conversation between Luna and Celestia.
- Which I might add was wonderfully well written.
- I feel you captured the fragmentary thought processes of the stars very well.
Cons:
- You could have....the bit with.....nah screw it I loved all of it
Notes: I am definetly putting those other fics on my read later list. Thank you for the story.
If you could read and review Winter Solstice I would be much appreciated.
1954901
I'm really glad you enjoyed it, and I'll be sure to read your story a little later tonight.
Thanks for the review
Name of Story: The Guide to the Stars
Grammar (out of 10): 10/10
Pros: The double meaning with "the stars will aid in her escape" was a nice touch.
Short and sweet story.
Cons: After this break;
you should try to establish the surroundings of the place where Luna and Celestia were speaking, just a little. I did not know where they were during the conversation until the guard showed up, and even then it was kinda vague.
Notes: Cool little story. I feel like the music was what made you 'feel the feels' and not your writing. Then again, emotional scenes don't really work on me unless done really, really, well. Not that your story isn't done well, that is. You got your point across and the emotion was portrayed well enough that you can sympathize with the Luna. Nice job. You've earned a like and a fav. If you could, check out my story, An Uncanny Harth's Warmth.
1955309
Thanks for the review. Yeah, the music is what put the story in my head to begin with so it ended up more the song painting images and me turning them into a pony story. I'll be sure to get to your story tomorrow.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Guide to the Stars
Grammar (out of 10): 10/10
Pros:
-The feeling you give to the story is incredible, and though the music (which fits perfectly) is beautiful, the writing, at least for me, was very touching.
-The characters are very well displayed and even if most of the story is introspective dialogue, you keep it interesting.
- I loved how you took that simple phrase
and made a great story out of it, truly something unique.
Cons:
- I feel that you could have added something of the second coming of Nightmare Moon, but you seem to skip that part or its so brief of a mention to make it clear.
- You could establish a brief setting of where Luna is when Celestia arrives. (Could help to add to the mood of the story)
- I can not think of a third, sorry... ok, so con: because you story is so perfect, I am unable to complete this review.
Notes: Youre story is truly one of my favorites in this site, and I am very picky so I say this with all honesty, You just earned yourself a follower, cant wait to read more from you.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Myth I would really love your input on it.
1971533
Thanks for the review and the follow! I'm really glad you enjoyed the story and I hope you like my other work as well
This review is brought to you by Authors Helping Authors. (I'm really glad to see that this group has already made some reviews. It means the system's working
)
Grammar score: 9.5/10 (The highest mark I ever give; there's always room for improvement.)
Pros:
- I loved the music. It helped set the atmosphere really nicely, and it was subtle enough to not distract my reading. Great choice. I also like the cover art you've chosen, although the source link seems to be dead. I guess the artist removed it or something.
- The metaphors and descriptions you used for the stars were fantastic. You didn't say that they were stars until later on, but it was made clear through the great illustrations of them.
- I really enjoyed the way you personified the stars; giving them lines and traits so they sound like real people. It's a good way of provoking emotion, and it did just that.
- A sweet, short little story. You managed to get a point across in a limited amount of words, a thing that many authors struggle with. You also did it quite nicely, in my opinion.
Cons:
- You seem to overuse ellipses just a bit. Try to hold off on overuse of any kind, whether it be punctuation, words, phrases or scenarios.
- The tags seem a little off. This looks and feels like a [sad] as much as it is a [slice of life].
- The guard at the end. Night Wing. He seems to speak to the princesses very casually, despite being a member of the guard. I would suggest one of two things. First, you could elaborate as to why this guard can be so informal with the princesses, since they are the ruling bodies of Equestria whom everyone in the land reveres. Or, since this is a oneshot focusing on one point of interest, you could just have the guard's significance removed from the story. Make him speak formally, give him a real reason for looking for Luna (what was going on before Luna 'disappeared'?), and maybe even take out his name. But as it stands, Night Wing is too noticeable of a character for a 1k-ish word oneshot. yet you don't give a proper reason for his introduction, or put in a major connection with him in the story. Don't leave things like that. Either strengthen the bond or cut it loose. A frayed rope never does anybody good.
- I feel that you were trying to say something there with 'the stars will aid in her escape'. However, I didn't really get the full effect because it was just kind of randomly thrown there, not standing out in a real way. If you want to put in a little message or something of the sort, separate it from the surrounding parts; put a little more emphasis or description into it. For example, you could write about the way the words were said.
Notes: I loved it. What more can I say? I believe I've put my notes of how to improve in the cons section.
I'll just drop this off here for you to read later. This was my first review, so tell me if I'm on the right track. I plan to get a lot more reading and reviewing done in the near future.
To anyone who hasn't joined, check out Authors Helping Authors! As you can see, it's a great way to get some views and reviews for your fics, and the system works!
2022801
Thanks for the for the review :) Yeah, unfortunately the artist closed down their DeviantArt account shortly after giving me permission to use that picture. As for Night Wing, this was originally written under the assumption that the readers had also read "Her Sword, Shield, and Friend." Admittedly it's not a solid excuse but back then the only people really reading my work were the 2 or 3 watchers I had so I always overlooked that he stood out. To be honest, everything after the break was sorta tacked on to buff out the word count so I could post the story. Again, bad excuse, but it is what it is.
I really appreciate the feedback, and I'll be sure to put it to good use in the future
I'll be checking your story out in return within the next few days.
2023497
Hello Cavemonkynick, I'm KarmaSentinal and I'm here to bring you a review on behalf of the Authors Helping Authors group!
Grammar: Great. The story is short and therefore makes it easy to distinguish.
Pros: Short, but holds the reader's attention throughout its duration and the feeling behind the words captures the premise without feeling unneeded. I haven't read the story this is suppose to prelude too but it does stand very well on its own and that quality besides its deeper meaning reinforces the story's strength.
Cons: While this isn't a con, I'm a sucker for longer one-shots but like I said this story does very well as is. Anymore words would likely detract from the meaning. Also, I was lost as to who Luna was referring to believing them to be the bat ponies, but than again I just went back and reread the title. lol
Notes: A very quick read but I did love it all the same. It was like having a tortilla and than adding butter and salt to create something even better than what you had starting off with. I had mentioned this to someone in another group, but I love Luna not because she is my favorite character but because of how little we know of her.
It has allowed many of us to use her characterization bones to flesh out many personalities that only get better as new ideas and Lunas are created. This (I'm not being mean here) doesn't dive to far from the beaten path of her basic show personality, but it does expand our thoughts by opening her soul to us so we can experience a snibit of what she mostly likely had felt. Plus having her being comforted by the stars and they by her was a great addition that kept me from feeling really sad and this balance of emotion is in my opinion the story's butter and salt.