- Member Since 23rd May, 2017
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
Devela
Just a person looking to read and write fanfics
Devela
Joined 23rd May, 2017 ·
Offline
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Nice
8237682
Thank you
Oh I am dying! That was amazing! “I don’t want to be married!”
Also, Kerrigan as his personal A.I. al-la Cortana is genius!
8239071
Thank you. A lot of information will appear in the next chapter, or one after.
8239259
Yay :3
I just want to note that I only helped edit the first two chapters. After that I want everything to be fresh when I read it.
In other words; she's going to need another editor.
Great chapter!
I love the descriptions and the introductions of the new characters. I’m a fan of Kayla. Also I like how you introduced Dusk Shine. Shadowmancers are badass.
If that happened to me I would have been like "Please, please tell me you're just screwing with me, because I don't even know where to begin on how screwed up that is. Then if she was actually serious try to do what the character did
He just did some reverse-psychology on her ass.
8263672
Actually he was completely serious.
8263790
.
.
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damn
8263790
He is lawful evil
8263289
Heh
What is this a crossover of?
8266918
StarCraft 2
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
I have nothing to say about the grammar because I have some problems with it since english isn't my first language.
The beginning is kinda confusing and it took me a while to get it's a StarCraft crossover.
The action seems rushed to me.
But I liked this story.
I just think you need to add more details on the scenes.
Thanks for the review on Other Realms.
Oooooo, good way to introduce the Dark Six. Also for some reason when I read about Hector I got this image of a children’s book called If You Give Your Efreeti A Human.
8268048
What?
8268063
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/3c/If_you_Give_a_Mouse_a_Cookie.jpg
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Story: Stars Above Equestria
Grammar Score: 8/10
Pros:
Cons:
Notes Section :
I already explained most of my notes above. But to repeat, your story's prose is spot on, it has great grammar, spelling and is easy to read and carries the reader's attention. However, your story's description made me believe that managing the prison would be a key part of the story, but it just feels like a way to give Jack an army. There is also no sense of tension in the story as Jack so easily overpowered Nightmare Moon (and is now apparently married to her) and the rest of the prisoners and prison staff are just following his orders like a well trained army.
That said, I did find it entertaining at times and I would like to read more.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Equestria Girls: Fallen Canterlot
8286891
Thank you and I'd love to talk more about some of your cons in private messages if you'd like. Ienjoy constructive criticism like this.
8287393
Sure! Just send the message and I'll do my best to answer.
Seems all over the place and a little rushed, I would spell out what its crossing over with in the description also your description is long and confusing and has a few errors. Also a warning, this isnt my cup of tea.
"Jack was your typical person, easy going and laid back. A job at the local prison kept his bills paid and money in the bank. He also enjoyed a life of casual gaming."
Typical how, you could use this sentance to say what your crossing over with such as. Jack was your typical person born on earth, or wherever. Also i would stay away from the john everyman trope. Every singlecrossover with a human does it and its incredibly boring.
"Well he made his own custom for a local convention but forgot the most important part. The signature helmet, he shrugged it off and went. He found a salesman and was soon old on it, little did he know his life would change."
He was old on it? If he forgot it how did he find it at a salesman?
"A false alarm sends him to the prison before he finds himself locked in his costume which is real, his face different, and the survival of everyone residing on him."
If its a false alarm why is he fighting for his life? Wouldnt that just be a normal alarm?
"He also discovers the world they preside over isn't cute and cuddly, but a desolate place of evil. So he has a choice, let the inner demon out or be a good guy. "
Also, why is there a choice hes some random guy, john everyman is he born with innate nightmare powers if so hes not average then.
Generally everything happens to fast with to little description and the conversation is below average, almost every plot point comes about the way of sheer coincidence and is a little uninteresting. Seems like a self insert power fantasy to me.
8286891
8290887
I happen to like this story and I find it interesting and well written. However I would like to see your opinions on my Displaced.
There's no weapon named CG-500 Assault gun on the Starcraft Wikipedia unless you can give me a link to the source and it has to be a canon source until then it's non canon and non lore friendly
9067741
There is a chain gun in StarCraft, Tychus uses one. I simply gave it a shorter name and a round per minute identification.
9068268
Oh
9068387
Heh the words after simply give a sense of what it's used for, for nongun wise individuals. Also thanks for commenting.
9068405
Oh np and one other problem I've with the story is your character
1. Jim Raynor is not a prison guard his a rebel leader
2. Jim Raynor's men are not prisoners they are also rebels
3. The combat suit requires the user to be sealed inside the suit with specific machinery as seen in the sc2 wol starting cut scene
4. There's more then 1 version of the combat suit on broad the Hyperion then just the marine combat suit
5. There's should Thors on the Hyperion and can be dropped down to the surface via a drop pod or drop ship
6. There should also be siege tanks and diamond backs and Goliaths and other terran units from base campaign and the other campaigns