Spike used to live in Canterlot when he was 12, He's gone through depression after a breakup and is sent to live with his uncle.
Three years later he returns home and finds new love with a childhood friend, but has to deal with a psychotic ex girlfriend who won't leave him alone by hitting and flirting and giving him sexual advances all the time untill she moves as he and his friends goes through teenage and highschool life, having new problems and shenanigans with random moments in their lifes
This is a Spike x Apple Bloom story.
Other ships in here
Sweetie belle x Button Mash
Scootaloo x Rumble
Silver Spoon x Thorax
The sex tag is for language, sexual humore and sexual content.
Chapters (89)
I appreciate the story you're going for here. I love Spike shipping, I do.
But, this is a bit of a mess. Incorrect punctuation, in your face description, strange dialogue. It needs some work. I'd recommend finding an editor to help you refine your craft.
This story isn't even redeemable at this point unless you either learn to write better or get yourself an editor. You've made a lot of mistakes that you need to work on.
1. You describe literally everything about each character the moment you introduce them. This is what I like to call "Fanfiction.netitis". Try being more gradual with giving descriptions over the course of each chapter.
2. You keep calling it 'Canterlote.' It's Canterlot, there's not an 'e' at the end of it.
3. You don't use any punctuation in your dialogue.
4. You legitimately made me hate Spike for a small period of time. That should be a crime against humanity.
5. You keep misspelling words, and it's like you're trying to mix bad grammar with past tense in mistakes like "hunged out" instead of hung out, and "grad" instead of glad. Is your character an Asian stereotype?
All in all, the idea is there but the execution is terrible and the fact that you thought this was ready for publishing says a lot about the work you need to do on your writing.
hey if you need someone to edit the story, then i'd be willing to do it
8258545
take it easy seventh, unconstructive criticism like that won't make it better.
I want more of this
What happened to your grammar?????!!!!!!!
Im new to this and if someone is willing to help me with my editing your welcome to
> Canterlote
CANTERLOT. Come on, install OpenOffice, it has a spellchecker.
Bet you the pets missed Spike too.
The CMC can share you know; choosing will only sever the ties.
8259357
If you really need an Editor, I will gladly do it, just PM me.
No, it was kinda obvious, really.
Also, I think you might be rushing the romance between Spike and Apple Bloom too early. I mean, it's only been the second chapter and they're already trying to kiss each other. Don't you think that maybe you ought to show more chapters of them hanging out before you let them start falling for each other?
8286995
So for future Spike romance stories dont rush it also any tips on what makes a story good or readable
8287353
Aside from always making sure that the spelling and grammar is done right, you should always write up to at least five to six chapters before submitting a fic (especially if it's meant to have a lot of chapters). Sometimes the first chapter won't be enough to make a good first impression for your fic; and when you're taking time to write up the next chapter, it's always good to leave the readers enough chapters for them to reread until the next one's finished.
8291185
Ok thnx man
Saw the ex coming a mile away.
We will see pets right?
Yeah in the next chapter
Personally, it would've been better if he went into a little detail about what diamond did to him: she made him feel like she deserved better, that he NEEDED to be better and give her better things for her because she was her, and that she was doing him a favor in even talking to him; in other words, she manipulated him like a sadistic sociopath would
8315674
I know i tryed to made it look like Diamond was using him
Good job with the chapter
Winona has a plan to get those two alone.
They're back the next morning.
You mean protect?
8346735
Lets just say.....something will happen that will embarrass him
8347283
I really hope so, otherwise that would be an interesting conversation.
Where did you find the picture of human Spike?
8351776
I just googled it
Long as Spike and Apple Bloom don't mention it to the Apple Family then they might be okay also Winona will do something adorable for Spike.
They probably did IT
All of them are gonna end up with kids😂
Speling erors in descripshun. Pleese fix tecknicul misteaks.
If gossip comes out then girls would be jelly and guys will hate.
I'm really starting to hate the whole "big brother wants to threaten the younger sister's boyfriend' schtick...Hey Mac, why don't you stop terrorizing Spike and go get a damn woman of your own already???
I get that you are just looking out for your siblings, but it's their decision, not yours. If she gets heartbroken, oh well. (Yes, I sound really callous about this, but it's partially because I've been in that same relationship before, so forgive me if I'm sounding all jaded and bitter. Sometimes you have to feel that pain hurt firsthand before you start to try to give advice on whom one should court.)
I definitely don't think that Spike and AB are gonna progress that fast; after all, in that little dialogue between Spike and his parents, we can imply that it's a possibility that Night Light's first date with Velvet led to at least a make-out session, if that didn't eventually result in Shining Armor being concieved...We all know what Velvet was referring to when she says "I don't think Spike is old enough or ready to know about that yet" (Sue me, I'm paraphrazing the lines)...
...not to mention that it's rated Teen/Sex, which means any intimacy points are gonna be implied (provided they are of age), and that probably the farthest it could go would be particuarly-charged dreams and teenagers making out.
I saw that little reference.
At least no one's talking about Spike's baby pictures.
..
Where's the shotgun?
8375796
I got something better
Shots fired. Shit's about to go down
8375953
Ooooo...
Tell me..
8376821
Look at my avatar
8377499
Continuing our conversation, how was I being ammature when you were the one that blocked me and deleted my comment
8395721
Cause you were getting ready to start a ship war which I was not going to get into.
There's no telling what an unstable Spike is going to do.
Nice job :3
So who's the 2nd and 1st?
I would've just told him to start wearing sweaters again and to rub his wrists whenever Apple Bloom was nearby. It's no less manipulative and no doubt would've taken longer, but at least he's not taking advantage of anyone else.