- Member Since 9th Apr, 2015
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
The Lone Doctor
Greetings ladies and gents, I'm The Lone Doctor, I am a huge fan of well written fics. Whether they are military, sci-fi, cross-over, historical, or what have you, if it's well written, I love it.
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Stupid.
8183550 What?
You have a bit of problem shooting through high-action sequences. I can't visualize anything in my head, because you're shooting through it so damn quick! Slow down! Maybe break up some of these big blocks of text.
Also, make sure to stay focused on one viewpoint in each paragraph. If you're going to suddenly switch from An's POV to, say, some mare slave's, as in the end of the third chapter, you can't suddenly jump between each from paragraph to paragraph, it's too jarring. You have to break it up either with some blank space, or a horizontal rule:
But for the love of God, don't try and tell us who's POV it is by explicitly saying so at the start of the section. You ever read a book that did that? No. Use context clues PLEASE, like everybody else. (Sorry, pet peeve of mine)
Other than that, the concept's a bit out there, and I'm not sure setting this from the POV of the SVA just prior to America's involvement was the best move, but hey, could work. I've been dying to see a GATE-style interaction between the caribou and a modern armed human force anyway. Keep at it! Just..you know...slow it down. You're throwing WAY too much at the reader at once for it to be enjoyable.
8183906
Thank you, I have a bit of struggle on doing combat writing, I could really use some help on that.
As for the horizontal line rule I was unsure to use it, but I'll try to implement that as soon as possible. Pacing was another concern for me as well.
I'm still looking for an editor and a beta reader to help better polish this, but other than that, I thank you for your advice, and I will sure take it to heart.
8183964 No prob, really you should be sticking to one POV where you can, not trying to switch them every couple paragraphs. Way too jarring for the reader.
8183906
A Song of Ice and Fire?
8184013 ...no way.
Okay, someone MIGHT have a name, if they want, but it's not usually done. They don't say "POV" at the very least.
8184120
Nope. ASOIAF's chapters are simply titled with the name of that chapter's respective POV character.
(Incidentally, that means a single book from the series can have several different chapters with the same chapter title, e.g. A Game of Thrones has fifteen chapters that are all titled "Eddard".)
yes this pleases me
8184128 Honestly, sounds more like an aesthetic choice. Unless you're deliberately keeping it from the reader as a little surprise (which can only be done very rarely (well, done well, I mean)) the reader should be able to understand who's POV they're in from context clues and basic reading skill use. Otherwise, you're messing up.
I'm just saying it because it's a pet peeve of mine, because the only time you'll EVER see something like "Amanda's POV" is in some noob writer's fanfic. The closest you will ever see to that is something like Song of Ice and Fire, and believe me, that's more an aesthetic choice. I guarantee if RR Martin took those little things out and just had chapter numbers without titles, you'd still be able to figure out the POV from context.
Time to skin some caribou!
More! Deus Vult!
8184443
True.
I was not sure I was gonna injoy a Gate inspired story from the view point of the South Vietnamese. It's harder to relate To the characters since they are from a different culture and time period. Also, because the Vietnamese names are not familiar to me im worried that too many charecters would make telling who is who difficult. So far i havent had too much trouble with either.
One thing I was concerned about was that I thought An was going to be the main protagonist. Seeing that the American Captain is filling the role of Itami I feel strange that were only meeting him now. Kinda like only meeting the main character in the middle of the movie.
But I look forward to seeing more and hope that we get some good hyjinx with all this drama.
8194508
The idea I had with this fic was to have a variety of characters to appeal to many without breaking story logic. My idea was to focus on more than just one protagonist, but to keep it in control so it doesn't get confusing. With the amount of stuff the ARVN, Australia, New Zealand, and South Korea are going to be doing, you'll see more action with Taylor, but at the same time, Captain An will be seeing action of his own, and may have just as much attention as Taylor. I'm pleased that you like the appearance of an American in the fic, I'll do my best to try to balance focus as the cast of main protagonists grows.
8194983
I did get the sense that the story was going to revolve around different coalition characters, I just assumed they would be in the same unit. That may still be the case, I just felt it was strange enough to note that character introduction was happening so late in the beginning. Not bad necessarily, just odd.
Right now the story has the feel of a historical drama, there are a lot of facts and political maneuvering to sift through. I'm just hopeing that we get to see a more character oriented turn.
8195090
I understand, now looking in retrospect, Taylor does seem more like Itami that An is. An officer who does his job because it's his job. As for historical drama, that was my intention. I'm kind of a history nerd when it comes to this stuff, who knows? We might start to learn more of our Equestrian friends pretty soon.
hope to see flamethowers
8225781
Maybe....maybe....
I can assume that Twilight and the EQG look like actual human beings now that they are in our world? Also Update!
8246218
They do, and their hair being in wacky colors is explained with hair dye. Hair dye that probably wasn't around in their high school days due to dress code....not to mention Hoover and his FBI gang, the CIA, the KGB, and the National Guard would've been monitoring CHS at this point for wacky incidents.... yeah...let's just leave it at that....
Other than that, I'll do what I can, I'll just check in with my beta reader to polish it out. I don't wanna rush them, nor would I want diminished quality, but let me assure you, it's not instantly going to die from a heart attack.
8246398
This doesn't really matter much, But why would an Entire High School dye their hair?
8317534
To pull off the scale seen in EQG...
Nice
A story about South Vietnam?
My family came from there. Might as well give this a read
8355666
As did my family. My grandfather was a Lieutenant Colonel in the ARVN, and fought since the beginning in 1955. My interest in South Vietnam and in my grandfather's military history are a few of the reasons why I'm writing this story.
8360062
My grandfather fought in the war as well but as a captain. He didn't survive though.
Is that you John Wayne is this me
this story is ok but i kinda want to know whats happening with sunset and such
8468117
Soon, my dear. Soon.
(start at 0:29)
ah i love the smell of dead rapists in the morning
8225781
YEA AND BURN THOSE FUCKERS HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH
818473
a smart person would've taken and agreed to that safe conduct thing i mean no jail time for the rest of the war sounds like a good thing for me XD
8482638
I know, right? Unfortunately, personal pride miiight mess with a people's heads.
8558334
Ikr
So is it going to be like the gate series or more like it's own thing
8576515
A combination of both. While it does contain some of the basic plot points of Gate, it’s not to the point where it’s a complete clone of the anime.
8576653
Ok just curious that's all
8387266
Since we're throwing references around, maybe I can join in: "Who said that... WHO THE F
K SAID THAT; WHO THE SLIMY FASCIST F
K DOWN HERE WHO HAD JUST SIGNED THEIR OWN DEATH WARRANT?!"
8578702
Sir I said it sir
8579042
Well, no wonder; what are you, a f
king comedian? You know, I admire your honesty; hell, I like you: you can come over to my house and f
k my friend!
i saw that "hearts and minds" reference.
8623375
Yeah... strange to see the tables have turned, especially if the US begins to intervene.
Question, I see a lack of an 'anthro' tag, so does this mean the caribou have four hooves and no hands?
8680885
*Ding* *Ding* *Ding* yep, you are correct. Still, I’m going to have to figure out how the Equestrians are going to be able to use human stuff. But yeah, every Equestrian who didn’t pass through the mirror portal before this is a horse/caribou/whatever animal there is.
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!!!! But seriously when you going to add new chapters to the story
it's been a while. what's been happening?
8823087
Apologies, the reason it’s been this delayed was because I’m on my last two months of high school. I might work on the story some more next week during my break, but I’m putting a lot of my time trying to keep my grades up for high school. The story’s not dead, it’s just I’ve been busy.
Again, apologies.
HOLY CRAP THIS IS NOT DEAD!! praise be to fan fiction jesus!!