After seven months of fighting communist invasion, the last thing the Republic of Vietnam needed was another offensive. Fate would have other plans. Soon they are faced with an attack on their capital. Will they fight two fronts against the caribou?
You have a bit of problem shooting through high-action sequences. I can't visualize anything in my head, because you're shooting through it so damn quick! Slow down! Maybe break up some of these big blocks of text.
Also, make sure to stay focused on one viewpoint in each paragraph. If you're going to suddenly switch from An's POV to, say, some mare slave's, as in the end of the third chapter, you can't suddenly jump between each from paragraph to paragraph, it's too jarring. You have to break it up either with some blank space, or a horizontal rule:
But for the love of God, don't try and tell us who's POV it is by explicitly saying so at the start of the section. You ever read a book that did that? No. Use context clues PLEASE, like everybody else. (Sorry, pet peeve of mine)
Other than that, the concept's a bit out there, and I'm not sure setting this from the POV of the SVA just prior to America's involvement was the best move, but hey, could work. I've been dying to see a GATE-style interaction between the caribou and a modern armed human force anyway. Keep at it! Just..you know...slow it down. You're throwing WAY too much at the reader at once for it to be enjoyable.
Thank you, I have a bit of struggle on doing combat writing, I could really use some help on that.
As for the horizontal line rule I was unsure to use it, but I'll try to implement that as soon as possible. Pacing was another concern for me as well.
I'm still looking for an editor and a beta reader to help better polish this, but other than that, I thank you for your advice, and I will sure take it to heart.
8183964 No prob, really you should be sticking to one POV where you can, not trying to switch them every couple paragraphs. Way too jarring for the reader.
But for the love of God, don't try and tell us who's POV it is by explicitly saying so at the start of the section. You ever read a book that did that?
8184120 Nope. ASOIAF's chapters are simply titled with the name of that chapter's respective POV character.
(Incidentally, that means a single book from the series can have several different chapters with the same chapter title, e.g. A Game of Thrones has fifteen chapters that are all titled "Eddard".)
8184128 Honestly, sounds more like an aesthetic choice. Unless you're deliberately keeping it from the reader as a little surprise (which can only be done very rarely (well, done well, I mean)) the reader should be able to understand who's POV they're in from context clues and basic reading skill use. Otherwise, you're messing up.
I'm just saying it because it's a pet peeve of mine, because the only time you'll EVER see something like "Amanda's POV" is in some noob writer's fanfic. The closest you will ever see to that is something like Song of Ice and Fire, and believe me, that's more an aesthetic choice. I guarantee if RR Martin took those little things out and just had chapter numbers without titles, you'd still be able to figure out the POV from context.
I guarantee if RR Martin took those little things out and just had chapter numbers without titles, you'd still be able to figure out the POV from context.
I was not sure I was gonna injoy a Gate inspired story from the view point of the South Vietnamese. It's harder to relate To the characters since they are from a different culture and time period. Also, because the Vietnamese names are not familiar to me im worried that too many charecters would make telling who is who difficult. So far i havent had too much trouble with either. One thing I was concerned about was that I thought An was going to be the main protagonist. Seeing that the American Captain is filling the role of Itami I feel strange that were only meeting him now. Kinda like only meeting the main character in the middle of the movie. But I look forward to seeing more and hope that we get some good hyjinx with all this drama.
The idea I had with this fic was to have a variety of characters to appeal to many without breaking story logic. My idea was to focus on more than just one protagonist, but to keep it in control so it doesn't get confusing. With the amount of stuff the ARVN, Australia, New Zealand, and South Korea are going to be doing, you'll see more action with Taylor, but at the same time, Captain An will be seeing action of his own, and may have just as much attention as Taylor. I'm pleased that you like the appearance of an American in the fic, I'll do my best to try to balance focus as the cast of main protagonists grows.
8194983 I did get the sense that the story was going to revolve around different coalition characters, I just assumed they would be in the same unit. That may still be the case, I just felt it was strange enough to note that character introduction was happening so late in the beginning. Not bad necessarily, just odd. Right now the story has the feel of a historical drama, there are a lot of facts and political maneuvering to sift through. I'm just hopeing that we get to see a more character oriented turn.
I understand, now looking in retrospect, Taylor does seem more like Itami that An is. An officer who does his job because it's his job. As for historical drama, that was my intention. I'm kind of a history nerd when it comes to this stuff, who knows? We might start to learn more of our Equestrian friends pretty soon.
Stupid.
8183550 What?
You have a bit of problem shooting through high-action sequences. I can't visualize anything in my head, because you're shooting through it so damn quick! Slow down! Maybe break up some of these big blocks of text.
Also, make sure to stay focused on one viewpoint in each paragraph. If you're going to suddenly switch from An's POV to, say, some mare slave's, as in the end of the third chapter, you can't suddenly jump between each from paragraph to paragraph, it's too jarring. You have to break it up either with some blank space, or a horizontal rule:
But for the love of God, don't try and tell us who's POV it is by explicitly saying so at the start of the section. You ever read a book that did that? No. Use context clues PLEASE, like everybody else. (Sorry, pet peeve of mine)
Other than that, the concept's a bit out there, and I'm not sure setting this from the POV of the SVA just prior to America's involvement was the best move, but hey, could work. I've been dying to see a GATE-style interaction between the caribou and a modern armed human force anyway. Keep at it! Just..you know...slow it down. You're throwing WAY too much at the reader at once for it to be enjoyable.
8183906
Thank you, I have a bit of struggle on doing combat writing, I could really use some help on that.
As for the horizontal line rule I was unsure to use it, but I'll try to implement that as soon as possible. Pacing was another concern for me as well.
I'm still looking for an editor and a beta reader to help better polish this, but other than that, I thank you for your advice, and I will sure take it to heart.
8183964 No prob, really you should be sticking to one POV where you can, not trying to switch them every couple paragraphs. Way too jarring for the reader.
8183906
A Song of Ice and Fire?
8184013 ...no way.
Okay, someone MIGHT have a name, if they want, but it's not usually done. They don't say "POV" at the very least.
8184120
Nope. ASOIAF's chapters are simply titled with the name of that chapter's respective POV character.
(Incidentally, that means a single book from the series can have several different chapters with the same chapter title, e.g. A Game of Thrones has fifteen chapters that are all titled "Eddard".)
yes this pleases me
8184128 Honestly, sounds more like an aesthetic choice. Unless you're deliberately keeping it from the reader as a little surprise (which can only be done very rarely (well, done well, I mean)) the reader should be able to understand who's POV they're in from context clues and basic reading skill use. Otherwise, you're messing up.
I'm just saying it because it's a pet peeve of mine, because the only time you'll EVER see something like "Amanda's POV" is in some noob writer's fanfic. The closest you will ever see to that is something like Song of Ice and Fire, and believe me, that's more an aesthetic choice. I guarantee if RR Martin took those little things out and just had chapter numbers without titles, you'd still be able to figure out the POV from context.
More! Deus Vult!
8184443
True.
I was not sure I was gonna injoy a Gate inspired story from the view point of the South Vietnamese. It's harder to relate To the characters since they are from a different culture and time period. Also, because the Vietnamese names are not familiar to me im worried that too many charecters would make telling who is who difficult. So far i havent had too much trouble with either.
One thing I was concerned about was that I thought An was going to be the main protagonist. Seeing that the American Captain is filling the role of Itami I feel strange that were only meeting him now. Kinda like only meeting the main character in the middle of the movie.
But I look forward to seeing more and hope that we get some good hyjinx with all this drama.
8194508
The idea I had with this fic was to have a variety of characters to appeal to many without breaking story logic. My idea was to focus on more than just one protagonist, but to keep it in control so it doesn't get confusing. With the amount of stuff the ARVN, Australia, New Zealand, and South Korea are going to be doing, you'll see more action with Taylor, but at the same time, Captain An will be seeing action of his own, and may have just as much attention as Taylor. I'm pleased that you like the appearance of an American in the fic, I'll do my best to try to balance focus as the cast of main protagonists grows.
8194983
I did get the sense that the story was going to revolve around different coalition characters, I just assumed they would be in the same unit. That may still be the case, I just felt it was strange enough to note that character introduction was happening so late in the beginning. Not bad necessarily, just odd.
Right now the story has the feel of a historical drama, there are a lot of facts and political maneuvering to sift through. I'm just hopeing that we get to see a more character oriented turn.
8195090
I understand, now looking in retrospect, Taylor does seem more like Itami that An is. An officer who does his job because it's his job. As for historical drama, that was my intention. I'm kind of a history nerd when it comes to this stuff, who knows? We might start to learn more of our Equestrian friends pretty soon.