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Warning: Contains EVERY tag... except for Second Person. Pinkie Pie wonders what's inside a 'regular, normal, ordinary' cardboard box, so let's find out what's inside!
And to all the haters out there. This Comment
Note: Inspired by this story.
What's In The Box?
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...
First things first,
I need to go back to bed.
Ehh. The original was better.
This does not contain every tag. Setting aside Second Person, you're missing Anthro (much to the dismay of literally no one) and Crossover (not sure if Solid Snake being in the box is too obvious).
It is literally the same concept, except done worse.
I don't usually dislike stories, but I'm sorry, This deserves it.
8009416
Well, I guess I could include crossover, hold on...
Seems like there was a lot inside the box mate.
This story needs a lot of work done to it.
8011057
Yep.
https://youtu.be/1giVzxyoclE?t=127
Do you really have to spam your shitty fics to the groups?
8011335 is it really shitty tho?
i mean, have you read it?
8011341 Mediocre then. Shitty was ascribing too much of a reaction.
8011397 of course
8011335
Hey, it's only mediocre and it's NOT MY fault that I AM MORE ambitious than anyone else on this site by all the Incompletes, hiatuses, and cancelled stories that there are.
8011443 That being "said", is there any way I avoid seeing you spam the groups I'm in?
Seriously, you're almost as bad as that autistic Hedgehog guy.
8011539
And who would he be?
To all the dislikers and haters:
68.media.tumblr.com/23761093fc63bb8620a4758e76fc9d7f/tumblr_ob5fw5aIuv1tc8piko1_400.gif
If a story's badly written, give areas for improvement through positive feedback. Otherwise, just close the window and read another story. Not hard to do at all.
8011573 Joker the Hedgehog. Though someone told him about the reputation he's gotten, so he's changed it to Sinestro something.
8012405 Everytime I see someone use the word "haters", I always picture a twelve year old COD player or a fat tumblerina.
I read the first three chapters: Adventure, AU, and Comedy. Simply put, I couldn't bear to read any further. If I'm being perfectly frank, this story is horrendous, and my explanation as to why will be split in two parts: Why it fails as a story and why it fails as an homage to NBD's story.
First, the story on its own.
1) The structure is clunky and hard to look at. Your diction is strange and often times redundant. You have a habit of putting additional words that don't need to be there, or wording things in really bizarre and visually unappealing ways.
2A) You're trying to be funny. You're not funny. I'm sorry, comedy just isn't for everyone. Perhaps it's a bit much to say that you're not funny. You're not funny here. And, frankly, you don't need to be. So stop trying to be.
2B) Your narration is not funny, and, again, it really has no reason to try to be. There are some stories/writers that can get away with a whacky, meta-humorous, fourth-wall-breaking narrator. This is not one of those stories, and you are not one of those writers. Having your narrator "joke" about the beanstalk being the wrong story, or take jabs at the common assumptions and stereotypes that bronies give to AJ in the form of your apple "joke" is not only unfunny, but it's horribly tacky and makes it seem as if you simply don't understand A) how to be funny and B) how to use a narrator. It cripples this already weak story.
3) It's tone-deaf. You are constantly joking and trying to be funny when you shouldn't be. The AU chapter, The Game, is a prime example of this. There's a death game going on. Pinkie is at huge risk of being killed. She's taken lives in order to save her own. This is some heavy shit right here and, with the appropriate tone and care, could make for a fantastically deep story talking about the scars in the mind that never heal that come along with ending the life of another being.
But you ruin that by cracking jokes and making movie references.
4) You're not very good at transitions or explanations. I hate to compare this to the original right now, because I wanted to save it for later, but NBD's story was short, vague, and mysterious with a purpose. From chapter 1 to chapter 2, there is literally no transition. From 2 to 3 and 3 to 4, there's a very poor one in of a random portal appearing from nowhere. Things just happen, and not in the way that things just happened in NBD's. This is clearly through lack of skill, not artistic choice.
I could go on, but that might necessitate me reading more, so I'll just go ahead and move on to the next part of my critique: Why it fails as an homage to NBD's story.
1) You either didn't understand what made his great, or you didn't understand how to emulate that without straight-up plagiarism. If it's the latter, you shouldn't have written this. If it's the former, I'll try my best to explain it.
naturalbornderpy's iteration of What's In The Box? was, simply put, brilliant. It was clever, creative, and strange in all the right ways. He set a hard limit for himself: 300 words per chapter, no more, no less. It was a clever way to show that quality will always trump quantity, at least where writing is concerned. In his first three chapters, 900 words in total, he managed to paint a picture so much more enthralling than you did in your first 3 (which, all words together, account for over twice as many words as NBD's).
2) This pays no respects to the original. If you've been around the site recently, you'll no doubt have noticed that a story called Blink suddenly resurfaced and gained a bunch of fan sequels. I haven't read any of them, save for the original story and the orignal fan sequel, and there's something I noticed there that is not present in your homage. In the Blink scenario, the fan sequel paid heavy respects to the first story. Now, in fairness to you, Blinking was supposed to be a direct sequel while yours is supposed to be... I'm not actually sure. A rewrite? A reimagining? Whatever it is, it doesn't have the same flavor as NBD's. Blinking felt like Blink, not because it was copied, and not just because it was a direct continuation, but because the fellow who wrote it understood why he and everyone else loved Blink. You just wrote a story based off of a successful story without understanding why the original story was successful.
3) And, finally, this feels like a cheap knock-off, an attempt to cash in on someone else's success. In defense of you, that might not be the case. This might truly be the best you could muster. But, due to how it treats the source material, treats itself, and treats the audience, this story just feels like a crappy Chinese bootleg.
There's nothing to say you can't do an homage to a fantastic story. I loved NBD's, and even considered doing doing what you did myself. What stopped me is that I knew I wouldn't be able to do NBD's justice. I'm simply not at that level, or in that zone. You should have been able to look at yourself, your work, and your reception/reputation to know that you're not there yet either. If you want to do an homage to something done well, anything at all, then at very least make sure you understand why it was done well.
8012405
Thank you, I'm featuring your comment.
8013174 Your comment was quite good. (In terms of providing constructive criticism and the reasons why you feel the way you do) most people just say "you're shit" "this story sucks" (etc) but never give any reason as to why they feel this way. You went the extra mile and further to do this and I have to thank you (no one else ever will) for doing this! ^_^ I have to admit tho, after only reading the first few paragraphs of this... "writers" latest story, I can fully and with extreme confidence agree with everything you've said here. I haven't even read the original story, or this story and I'm willing to stake everything I have on you being %100 right in your judgements/thoughts. Anayways, back to the matter at hand, I wanted to let you know there's one person here who appreciates the effort you put in your comment.
~TDK
8040186 Thanks, boss, it means a lot to hear you say that.
As someone who's been writing for a few years now, I don't believe I can overstate just how important constructive criticism is. I wish we, as a community, could just give and accept thoughtful critique instead of "this story was shit" or "this story was rad". And, even though I am absolutely certain that our author will ignore my comment, and, in fact, probably didn't even read it, I felt compelled to try.
And I hate to plug a story in someone else's comments, but you really should read the original. It's fantastic.
8040188 thank you. And I've already checked up on that story, I was very impressed with the artistry that derp put into making every chapter only 300 words. Thats skill level "god" XD I also checked out your profile...#stalkeralert. And after studying it for a bit, I'm now extremely more confident you know your shit! I've yet to find a story that has actually caught my interest, perhaps you could gimme a link to your fave story and I'll go from there. :p in any case, i would like to, IDK, maybe hang out or something? I have a discord/Skype account, or maybe we can try PMing here? If you want to that is?
8040203
My bet story (according to people) is this.
The Secret of Vinyl Scratch
"Warning: Contains EVERY tag... except for Second Person. Pinkie Pie wonders what's inside a 'regular, normal, ordinary' cardboard box, so let's find out what's inside! 🎰 Ready for some excitement? House of Pokies login awaits!"